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Friday, November 13, 2009

How Are You Living Your Life?

Time started: 23:43
Place: My room (Adelaide)
Listening to: Silence
Mood: Grief

It's been a week since Victor's death. He died in a car crash Saturday, 7th November and it's taken its time to sink in for me...
His death impacted a lot on his family and friends, including myself, even though I wasn't that close to him.
However, I grew up with him, saw him at school every day, and he would always be up for a friendly chat.
He was one of the nicest person I knew and had a big heart. It just seemed so unfair he had to go like this and so soon...
Too young, too early...

Needless to say, I've had a bit of a rough week but I can't compare against his family and close friends. I simply can't...

I just saw a video of the news and it hit me like a truck on how real his death is. He is really gone...
I just can't comprehend that...
Here's the link I saw:
I'm just kicking myself I watched it through facebook...
He just turned 21, studying civil engineering at uni, and had so much to live for...and suddenly he's gone...
Everyone expects to live their life to the fullest, living day to day making plans, dreaming, expecting, worrying...and they just don't realise how fragile life can be...
I know I'm one of those people. I live every day worrying about my future. Stressing out about everything. Making my own life miserable with the smallest things...
Over the past month all I've been doing is whining about how hard university is, about how hard it is to cope with my chronic fatigue, now all that just seems too mundane and shallow and Victor's death gave me a whole new perspective in life. Death is very real and no matter how hard you work and worry to give yourself a good life, you are just never in control, no matter how much you want to be...

I hate how the news just make his death at a statistic...
The NT road toll now stands at 28 compared to 69 at the same time last year." I mean...yeah, it's a road toll statistic but it's another life gone. It's a death of a human being. A life loved by friends and family. A son, a brother, a friend. A life filled with hopes, thoughts, dreams, ambition. A life that was never lived full and suddenly taken away tragically...
However I'm glad to have found an article that was a bit more sensitive about his death: link
It's nice to know that not all journalists see him as a number but as a human being...

His funeral is tomorrow back in Darwin and I'm stuck in Adelaide worrying about handing in essays, doing assignments, and preparing for exams...
The best I can do is to write a silly blog entry...

I guess my aim is to forget about my stupid essays for a while and take the time to commemorate the life of a young man who was kind and caring who did so much for his family, friends, and the community, and to provide you all with the message that life should never be taken for granted. Please remember to laugh, love and live every day.

Time finished: 00:12

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Stubborness is a good thing!

Time started: 23:15
Place: My room (Adelaide)
Listening to: "Anthems for a Seventeen-year-old Girl" - Broken Social Scene
Weather: Pleasant =)
Mood: Good =)

I just thought I'd immediately update and respond to my entry from last night...
After beating myself up emotionally last night I've decided I was being ridiculous and took action into changing my attitude immediately. I wasn't going to let my sickness dictate my life!
Be happy, make others happy, and life will be happy.

I meditated to clear my thoughts last night, didn't get much sleep but when I did, it was quality sleep.
I woke up, went to my lesson, still had the biggest migraine ever, but managed to learn a lot from my brief piano lesson with Lucinda this morning. It was brief because I apparently looked like death and was still really sick and tired but I didn't care. I was in a better mood.

After my piano lesson, we had our aural exam. I was expecting to fail because I didn't prepare, I was seeing zig-zags all over the page from the migraine, and my ears were ringing...but I surprisingly cruised through it with no problem. In fact, I'm confident I got 100% :'D.

Later in the afternoon I went to the library to make a start on my essay but I was feeling really nauseated and my migraine was getting worse. I ended up falling asleep at the study table for 2 hours. I can't believe I was knocked out at the library for 2 hours!

I forced myself to get up and go to practise. My head felt like a tonne of bricks but that didn't stop me. I was in a very determined mood to practise and I was, despite my condition, in good spirits. DANG YOU, MIGRAINE! I AIN'T LETTING YOU DEFEAT ME!

To my surprise, the room LG08 was free! I took advantage and started practising straight away.
I don't know how I did it...but I managed to practise in there for 4 hours straight...NON-STOP! It was pretty productive too!

So yeah. I feel like crap physically but emotionally I'm great :'D.

It just goes to show how much positivity with a touch of stubborness can make a difference to getting through. was probably really stupid of me to stay at uni and exhaust myself for 12 hours with a huge migraine and chronic fatigue syndrome...but hey, at least I'm happy!

I think I deserve a night of epic sleep now...
I'll make sure to look after myself now...

And I just want to say thanks to those who've encouraged me to be happy and reassure me of my capabilities. I'm feeling a little more confident in myself now. Thanks for all your support. You're all the main reason why I'm feeling happy today =).

Okay...time to hit the sack. You'll probably hear my loud snoring from afar tonight...

Time finished: 23:35
Listening to: "Black and White Town" - Doves
Mood: Content

Monday, October 26, 2009

Insane, Dazed Brain, and a Migraine.

Time started: 20:11
Place: My room (Adelaide)
Listening to: the ringing of my ears...
Weather: Nippy
Mood: Lacking self-respect.

Yes, yes, I know...I whine all the time. I'd say 90% of my entries are just whining...*sigh*
I've made some last resort decisions in the past week:

I am going to do my piano exam in February instead of November because my progress is just way too slow.
I am also going to study part-time starting from next year which will mean by the time I graduate (gosh, I just hope I get to graduate!) I would've been studying at uni for 8 years only to get this one measley degree...

I'm just so tired...
I'm tired of being sick. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of being depressed. I'm tired of having this mind-set of not being able to do anything...

I played Debussy's Toccata at tech & rep class today. Not because I was scheduled to, but because I love this piece and I thought I was ready. I crashed and burned 100 times worse than I thought I would.
I know I haven't finished learning the piece for very long but I have played it so many times without stopping or huge errors, and with expression and colour but what I did in class today was a total disaster! I don't know why, but as soon as I went up to adjust the piano stool I suddenly felt ill. I could feel every muscle in my body tense. My fingers felt paralysed and from the word go, I was in total panic! I didn't even feel nervous initially. It just hit me like a truck...My fingers fumbled as they tried to move, I had a mental block from the panic and stopped everywhere, and I didn't feel the music at all. I was playing so dead-pan just to try to play from beginning to end...
It felt like the longest five minutes of my life just trying to get through the piece in front of the class...

I felt really depressed after because I wasn't sick today yet I played bad enough to make people's ears bleed...
I wasn't sick today. I had no excuse. And so what if I was nervous? I've played the piano long enough to be able to play in front of an audience...
I felt really depressed because Lucinda wasn't mad at me. She pitied me. So did everyone else...I didn't care if I went through a lot this year. I didn't care that I'm not at the best of health...
I felt really depressed because Lucinda hasn't seen me in my good days and every time I tell her I am capable, she just thinks my thoughts are just deluded because I am sick and that it's okay to be handicapped...
"Don't be too hard on yourself...", "It wasn't that bad...", "You're doing fine...", "Take it easy..."
Take it easy? That's the only thing I've been doing since year 11! Take it easy...
Disability memorandums, doctor certificates, medical considerations, special requirements, whining, crying, complaining...that's all I've been doing to pass over the past 5 years just to pass and get better grades while everyone else is working hard and being diligent without any aid like I should be! It just doesn't seem fair...

Oh, but you're sick, Min. You're going through a lot of problems in life, Min. It's okay...
So what?! Everyone gets sick! Everyone has problems! Why should I be any different? I don't have a terminal illness...

I just cried after class. I cried almost throughout my one hour bus ride home. I was so upset. I know there's no point in being so hard on myself but maybe that's just it...maybe I'm not hard on myself enough so I can't handle anything...

When I got home, I desperately tried to get some practise done but from being upset I developed a migraine.
It's one problem after another...
I just fell asleep at the piano for a couple of hours...when I woke up, I stood up and nearly toppled over and hit my head in the corner. Well this is just great...

I'm angry. I'm angry because no matter how hard I try to be positive, no matter how hard I try to get things done, no matter how hard I try to make situations easier it just never happens...
I'm angry because I always have to find alternatives to get through things...
I'm angry because the house is a mess...not tidied, not vaccuumed, undone dishes, unswept floor, it's a MESS!
I'm angry because I still have this migraine and I have an aural exam tomorrow...there's ringing in my ears...
I'm angry because I just complained about having a migraine and used it as an excuse to not study or do my assignments and spend my time making this stupid entry instead...
So am I really sick? Or am I just pathetic?

I am a disappointment to my mother. I'm sick, stupid, and incapable and do nothing but disappoint her...
I know she's proud of me...but she's only proud of me because despite my stupid and sickly nature, I still persist on going...and continuously hitting my head against a brick wall...
"Maybe you're just not good enough for uni..."

I miss Levon like hell...he is the one person who makes me feel like I'm good enough for something at times like these...

I just want this all to stop. I want to be happy and healthy again...
When I made dinner tonight I couldn't even remember that I was looking for the wooden spoon and when I did remember, and I found it, I just stared at it for a lengthened period of time without remembering to pick it up.
Stupid made me so angry...
What the hell is wrong with me?!

Time finished: 21:02
Listening to: Jarrad shouting "YOU F***ING FAGGOT!" at someone over the internet...
Mood: Sleepy...

Sunday, September 13, 2009


Time started: 21:09
Place: My room (Adelaide)
Listening to: "Listen to the Math" - Tokyo Police Club
Weather: Quite pleasant
Mood: Calm

This is going to be short.

I finally finished learning Grieg's piano sonata, 2nd movement today. The first piece in my program to be learned. It's like week 8. It's about time I finished learning something. I still can't play it very well though. In fact it sounds horrible. Oh well...
Piano practise is tiring. Probably because I've been so stressed and depressed lately but the last couple of days I've just been calming myself down, staying home and resting, and meditating. I'm thinking more rationally and positively now so hopefully this can help me get through for the rest of the year.

I've been going concerts where Steven's compositions have been performed. I think they're brilliant. Words cannot express how proud I am of him. Who would've thought such great music could be created by a close friend of mine!

Mum's starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and dad's starting to talk to me more now.

Um. 6 months!

Happy Birthday, Russell. I still think you're an old geiser...

And to a dear friend of mine...she knows who she is. I really hope you feel better soon. I am very worried about you. I know you don't want me to be and you probably feel that I shouldn't be, but I am. I hope life will be good to you soon. You deserve every happiness in the world.
You've given me a lifetime of the most pleasant memories and I know there will be more to come, just as long as you keep being who you are so stay strong and love yourself as much as we love you.

Okay. So it wasn't that short...but it's a lot shorter than what my entries usually are...

Ciao, for now!

Time finished: 21:17pm
Listening to: "Nature of the Experiment" - Tokyo Police Club
Mood: Ready to sleep

Saturday, September 5, 2009

A Good Deed makes a Good Day

Time started: 23:11
Place: My room (Adelaide)
Listening to: "Go to Sleep (Little Man Being Erased.)" - Radiohead
Weather: Not bad.
Mood: Helpful.

I was practising on the piano in the afternoon at home then I hear a slow and soft knocking at our door. I came to an abrupt stop and went to greet the knocker.
It was the elderly woman nextdoor and she seemed a little distressed.
"Ehkyooz meh, leh'il misseh, Ay woz jost wondrin' ef yew cewd du meh a wee leh'il fehvir?" she said in her Scottish accent (for those who can't decipher what I just wrote, it's "Excuse me, li'l missy, I was just wonderin' if you could do me a wee li'l favour?" xD).
I said "Sure, what do you need help with?"
"Well, yew see, my cat cawt a mohwse yeh see, and she's in the 'ohwse an' Ay am afrehd tew goh in..."
"Oh! So would you like me to see if I could get the mouse out for you?"
"Ah yes, please. Thaht wewd beh lohvleh!" she beamed.

I walked into the house to look for her cat. It was an extremely dim lit room with an old rug, old furniture, and old ornaments on the cabinet. The living room smelled of mothballs. A very neat, tidy and typical home of an elderly woman. As I looked around, there was her cat, by the sofa. It was the fluffy black and white feline that I saw almost everyday hanging around our yard. So this is who the cat belongs to! That's one of my life's questions answered!
The cat walked up to me and friendly rubbed against my leg. I gave it a little scratch behind its ears as it closed its eyes and purred in bliss.
"So you're the culprit! So where's the poor thing you've caught?"
As if the cat understood me, she turned around and started playing with this poor little creature that was sort of limping about but still alive.
I called out to the old lady "I found the mouse. Do you have a plastic bag or anything I could use?"
"Yes, Ay've gawt 'em en thih kehtchen dra'er, therd draw dohwn."
Finding a plastic bag in the kitchen, third draw down with no problem, I pulled it out and hurried to the struggling little creature that was temporarily acting as a yarnball for the cat.
The cat obviously wanted to have some fun with it.
"Oi, you...get out of the way so I can get the poor thing!"
The cat wasn't going to fight me. Let's face it. It's smart and knew I was bigger and tougher than she was. I fumbled in the dark room, trying to get this mouse out of the corner. It took me a few seconds to realise that this 'mouse' was no mouse at all! It was a little baby bird!
"Aw, it's not a mouse! It's a bird!"
"Aw naw! Thet's terr'ble! 'f et wawz a mohwse it's nawt soh bahd bot a berd! Thet's jost naw gewd!"
As I held the chick in my hand, it struggled for a while to break free. I held it firmly but not tight enough to hurt it. I looked all over its body to check for any major injuries. The bird was all fine, except for one crippled leg.
"It doesn't look like it's hurt too badly, just one injured leg." I explained.
"Aw gewd! Thahnk ye' soh moch fer ye' trawble! Ay cen goh bahck entew my 'owse agen!" she thanked gratefully.
"No worries. I was glad to have been able to help. I'll try to look after this bird for a while before taking it to the RSPCA".
"Aw thet's soh kaynd ov yew! Yew 'ave a loovleh deh!"
"You too!"
Gosh, I love her Scottish accent! Eheheheh...

The chick calmed down in my hands as I stroked it to calm it down. I could feel its heart throb against my fingers. It was frantic at first but after a couple of minutes of me calming it down, it went down to a very light and slower beating.
As I held it with one hand, I searched my room for a small empty box. With luck, I found an old, empty box in the top shelf of my wardrobe. I didn't think I'd ever use it again so I gently placed the chick into the box. It seemed too tired to respond to its new surrounding and quickly went into a nap.
I searched the kitchen to see if there was anything suitable for me to feed the bird with. I had some apples and mandarins. I also had some left over pasta and rice but I thought the preservatives probably wouldn't be good for the bird.
I mooshed up a bit of apple and mandarin and went over to the bird. I wasn't sure if it would eat fruit but I gave it a try.
As I popped my ugly face over the opening of the box, the bird looked up at me. It looked like it knew I was going to feed it and it opened its mouth. was so cute.
I put a bit of mandarin into its mouth. It nibbled on it a bit then dropped from its beak. I tried giving it another piece. It cooperatively opened its mouth again. Again it didn't go in. I tried a third time, and this time I realised it just didn't like the mandarin. I gave the apple a try. After a few goes I decided it had the same result as the mandarin. So the bird wasn't much of a fruit eater then. It looked more like a worm or a locust type.
I went out to search for any bugs that looked like bird feed. I had no luck. I dug around a bit. I don't think I could find any worms and I had a fever too so it was probably a bad idea for me to be out and about digging around for worms.
I went back in to check on the bird. It just sat in the box looking tired. It looked up at me and opened its mouth again.
I went to the kitchen and got a straw. I put some water into the straw and closed one end of the straw so the water was retained. I went back to the bird and waited for it to open its mouth. After it did, I dripped some water down its throat. It seemed to be happy with it. I hope tap water doesn't kill birds because I went to get some more water for it.
Glad that I at least got it to drink a bit, I went back to practising on the piano. After an hour I went to check back on the bird. It was fast asleep. I made up a pleasant thought that perhaps my piano playing lulled it to sleep. That's a pleasant thought, indeed. At least this way I can envision that someone appreciates my piano playing.

It's almost bed time now and I took the box into my room. Ryan was a bit repulsed by having the bird in the living room. The box already contains a lot of its droppings inside. many times does one little bird need to poop in a few hours?! It's crazy. Oh long as it's ONLY in the box.
The bird is fast asleep on the floor, next to my bed. Earlier it seemed more lively and less depressed. I guess the few hours of rest managed to recuperate it. The leg still looks flimsy though. I tried to give it some more water to drink but it seemed to have forgotten that I saved its life and momentarily escaped from me. It flew into my wardrobe and managed to get into my underwear and socks drawer. It was quite a chore to fish it out and I was hoping that it wasn't pooping all over my clothes. Then it flitted away to the other side of the wardrobe where all my books were. Ahh...a more accessible area for me to catch the frightened little animal!
It screeched in my hand and wouldn't cooperate when I tried to give it some water. I gave up and put it back into the box and quickly closed the lid. It jumped around the box for a few minutes. Wow...where did all this energy come from? A few hours ago it could barely pick up any energy to do that!'s a good sign that it's got its energy back but I was also afraid that it was hurting itself.
"'s okay. I am not going to hurt you. Stop jumping around, you'll get yourself hurt!"
My words managed to calm it down somehow. The box has been dead silent for the past hour now. I'm hoping that it's fast asleep once again.

I am taking the bird to the RSPCA in town tomorrow. I'm sure the veterinareans there can do a much better job than me looking after it. I'm just glad I managed to save its life. I feel like I've done so many wrong things this year and now I know I've finally done something right. If it wasn't for me, that old lady would still be moping around outside her house in fear and this baby bird would've been a certain cat's lunch.

Time finished: 23:57
Listening to: "This Song" - The Enemy
Mood: Great.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Unwanted Pancakes

Time started: 14:08
Place: My room (Adelaide)
Listening to: Birds
Weather: Overcast but fine. WINTER IS OVER!
Mood: Impatient

I woke up at 6:30am this morning still feeling sick and tired, but I made a huge batch of pancake mix for everyone in the house. I thought that Jasper would be going to uni at 7am but he never got out of his room so I guessed he wasn't going to uni.
I went back to sleep, dead tired, but was still in alert mode, listening out for anyone waking up.
I waited for a couple of hours and thought meh, since I'm just laying here, I should just check over my assignment. Luckily I spotted a few errors in my assignment.
By 11am, I finished checking over my assignment and decided to do some of my laundry since it's supposedly not going to rain today (for once!).
The laundry took me about an hour so it's noon. Still, no-one was up.
I went back into my room and rested up a bit more, and read a book.
1:30pm and hoorah! Ryan came out of his room! Finally someone was up. So I cooked away some pancakes for him. He ate some, I ate we're both hiding in our rooms again.
It's close to half past 2 and STILL no-one else is awake.
I want to practise on the piano...but I don't want to wake them up. Plus I'm slightly annoyed that I picked the day that everyone sleeps in til almost dinner time to make pancakes.

Time finished: 14:15
Mood: Bleh...

Sunday, August 30, 2009

What Really Makes the World Go Round?

Time started: 0419 (yeah...I'm having trouble sleeping)
Place: My room (Adelaide)
Listening to: Nothing...surprise...
Weather: Cold but calm at least
Mood: Uneasy but settling

I just thought I'd post this since a couple of people close to me have noticed I've been very down and not myself so I guess I should explain what's constantly on my mind right now.

You matters in this world more than I'd like it to. It's depressing. The world goes through more complex systems and lifestyles as time progresses. Just thinking about it makes me so tired. Simplicity in life is non-existent these days. Not even children these days can live their lives simply like children should because of the ever changing fears of the society and political correctness. Is it really a surprise that the rate of depression is constantly growing? Is it not scary? Thinking about the standard life for the contemporary individuals just frustrates me because I see so little meaning in life. Well, not quite. There is meaning in life. There always has been and there always will be, but everything around completely blinds us from it whether it'd be money, media, competition, expectations, deadlines, rules and regulations...anything.

I feel very pressured and anxious in more ways than one. The Government is allowing my mum only a year to recuperate her health after her aneurysm because she recovered remarkably well. After that they want her to go back to work, completely ignoring the several Doctor recommendations simply because she still has arms and limbs to move around and work. If only they knew how serious her condition really was. The surgeon specifically told me if she has an aneurysm again which is very possible, she WILL die.
Do I want her to go back to work again? Most definitely not! I will not allow it!

So I have come to terms with me having to study part time next year so I have room to work to help support her. I am originally really against that idea since I have already done two years of Biomedical Science beforehand and adding to the Music degree I am getting very tired of studying and just want to graduate and work full-time. However given the circumstances, I have no choice. My mother's health is the number one priority right now. I must do it. I'd be glad to do it. Besides...for all the years she's had to work off blood, sweat and tears for me, it's only fair.

My dad has something like a $30,000 debt from over-using his credit cards. My dad is a compulsive shopper and loves to spoil himself rotten. Not only that, he's getting kicked out of his apartment soon because he's no longer a suitable tennant since the village he lives in is really meant for the retired which he is not. My dad hasn't really been in a major part of my life but I figured he doesn't have anyone but me so I should help him out too. He may not be the father figure but he still loves me and of course, I love him too. He's simply still just a kid who just needs someone who loves him.

For the past couple of days I've been applying for jobs for Summer Vacation. I currently just got offered a temporary job for the Australian Electoral Commission to do some data entry online which is great because I can work at home and get paid decently. It's not enough to support my parents and me completely but it's a great start! I emailed the director asking him if there's any vacancies for me. He had to dig deep and fish out this small task for me during his intensively busy schedule which I really appreciate. I know him personally since I've worked for the AEC before during the federal election and he was impressed with my hard work.

I need to stop worrying because the more I worry, the sicker and more tired I get. I've been horribly slack the past few days from being so tired and it's stressing me out because I am very behind my piano practise for uni now. It's frustrating when I'm constantly getting fevers and just want to sleep every half hour I'm awake. It's probably a mental thing. I need to be stronger but everything is just putting me down right now and I'm really trying to pick myself up but I just don't know how. I don't have the confidence. I'm frightened. I over-think everything. Being sick should never be an excuse to stop me from doing what I need to do and I'm really tired of constantly using it as an excuse. I'm scared that it's depression. These past few days I can't stop crying, being irrationally snappy and have so much trouble getting out of bed but now as I write this entry I've just realised that I spend a ridiculous amount of time just worrying. It doesn't help when he's out of touch for a bit either. Not his fault. I just miss him a lot. Blargh.

Time can be so easily spent on things you wish you never did but when you realise's too late. That time you've wasted is gone. This concept can apply to life in so many ways. On one hand, time is short so you never want to waste it on doing something unproductive and never getting what you need to get done, done. On the other hand, since time is short, this also means life is short, so why use up all the short time to do something that worries you and stresses you out instead of enjoying yourself? *Sigh* see? The standard life is a constant battle between doing what you want to do, and doing what you need to do. Your wants and needs very rarely coincide. So what should one do? One could only worry...and be awake worrying...and write a worrying blog. Joy.

Well...on a happier note I've decided both mum and I work too hard and worry too much so I've booked flights for the both of us to go to Sydney in December. It's been a while since my mum's had a holiday just for the sake of a holiday. Malaysia didn't really count because she really only went back to reactivate her bank account and get some legal documentations of my grandmother's Will. Sydney will be fun since we both don't know much about it so we'll just explore, get lost, possibly drive each other insane =P. I'll get to see my best friend, Shan Shan too who I haven't seen for two years so it will be nice (even though she's going to be constantly working...*sigh*). She's going to try to visit me in Darwin in February though so that would be great (and in return I will be constantly working, probably...our syncronisation skills are awesome...)!

Contemplating depressing things in life can only make me value the good things in life more so I'm sorry if the moping gets annoying. My entry went into a positive turn, didn't it? And besides...I don't do well when I bottle it all up. I always feel like I get a bit of a revelation after I let it all out. I realise I think these things because of the one thing that matters the most: Love. I worry about money because I love my parents. I stress about uni because I want to have a career doing what I love: music. I'm always sick because...because...haha...I don't know...I love too much, maybe? Hahahaha. As if you could ever love "too much"! As horribly cliché as it sounds, I believe love is really what makes the world go round. At least in my world, anyway.

Wow, that was painfully bad. I think I'll stop writing bad now. Not only was it bad, I gave love and worry/stress parallel meanings! That is a big no no!

I obviously need good quality sleep. Sleep time!
(Wow...what an anti-climating ending. I fail.)

Time finished: 0516
Listening: A single bird chirping haha.
Weather: All I know is...there is the one bird chirping outside. And it's cold.
Mood: Amused by my fail abilities to attempt thoughtful blogging.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Go to Sleep Now, Little Fool!

Time started: 01:59
Place: My room (Adelaide)
Listening to: "The Island:Come And See/The Landlord's Daughter/You'll Not Feel The Drowning" - The Decemberists (the title of this blog comes from a line in this song)
Weather: Not as cold as I anticipated it to be. Yay!
Mood: Artistic

I'm having strange sleeping patterns at the moment (I nap in 5 hour intervals) and right now I feel like I need to produce something, whether it'd be a drawing, or a blog.

I've decided a blog is an easier option. I'm lacking the energy to come up with anything artistic so I'll just go with half-hearted waffling instead.

I'm frustrated with my unproductiveness. These days all my body wants to do is lock up its joints and induce me to sleep all day...fitting 6 hours of piano practise a day is just not possible for me...
I'm trying very hard not to become depressed from this. Not being able to do what I'm supposed to do is really irritating and tiring...I do not want to head down the road of depression again. I'm sure I won't though. I know I'm emotionally a lot stronger than I used to be. I have a lot of help and support from those I love as well so I feel very blessed.

Random: My housemate just yelled "Are you denying that placentas have thoughts?!"...
Okay...sorry, just wanted to add that to show how strange my housemates are! Moving on!

Last Thursday I had to perform for Classical Forum. I have exceptional luck because two hours before my performance...I don't know how...but a huge gust of wind blew and managed to knock me over. I banged my right knee and sprained my left ankle. I've sprained my left ankle 12 times throughout my lifetime now. It's like it will never see better days ever again. Poor left ankle. I've abused you over the years! Forgive me! Argh! I'm talking to my ankle! Clearly I am losing my sanity. I'm not even sure if I've had it in the first place!
My performance was a disaster. I made wrong notes everywhere, and I very unprofessionally corrected my mistakes. The pieces had no flow. It was, quite frankly speaking, crap! Ahh well...I smiled and carried on. I got to the end and had fun anyway. I guess that's all that matters. The audience listened through it, at least!

I've spent the whole weekend being a bum pretty much. I think my sore legs have increased my fatigue with unrefreshing sleep, and lots of pain. I just put my legs up in hopes of them healing fast, which they are, thank goodness :).

Gosh, I am the biggest clutz in the world =P. At least I can laugh about it. That's probably why they're healing fast, because I'm not moping over the pain and letting them get me down. Okay...I am...BUT I LAUGH ABOUT IT AFTERWARDS! :(

Meh...this feels like a pointless and boring blog.
Um...I've listened to Mew's new album! It was an amazing music experience for me :). They're my favourite band and never fail to disappoint me. I don't want to write a review about their album now because I can't really express or justify how good I think it is and how much I love it with words.

Speaking of not being able to express loving something with words...I love you, LeLe. You help me and are there for me so much more than you'll ever know! Stop missing me so much! BE HAPPY! You'll hear so much from me you'll be SICK OF IT! >:0

Don't you just hate revealing your weaknesses?! I do =P. I think certain friends are going to use this to their advantage to tease me now =P. Ahaha...good ol' friends!

My teachers from different subjects are discussing my progress to each other. They're concerned about my low self-esteem. They tell me they worry about me. I'm touched they care about me. It makes me realise I should be careful with my attitude because people do care about me more than I realise and how I think and feel makes an impact on them even if it's only to a small degree. I really need to live by my own belief of being happy and making others happy because that is certainly true. If something bothers me, I won't hesitate to vent because from past experiences, I know it's unhealthy to bottle it up. However, I do not want to let my bothers bring me down anymore, or make it other people's problems. It's not fair...I feel like I'm making my problems Lucinda's problems too.

Well...I guess I've found a purpose to this blog entry now. I need to look after myself, sleep better, and stop worrying other people! RAR!
I am strong! I am strong! I am strong! Hell yeah I am! I CAN DUU EET!!!

Time finished: 2:47am
Listening to: "Sunsets" - Powderfinger
Mood: False confidence....meh!

Friday, July 31, 2009


Time started: 20:00
Place: My room (Adelaide)
Listening to: "Everlong" Foo Fighters
Weather: Too cold >.<;;
Mood: As the title suggests...

I am back in Adelaide (and what is with this FREEZING COLD, WINDY AND RAINY WEATHER?!?!?! *Craves for Darwin*) and so far I have survived the first week of Semester 2. I am not pleased. It already seems like a tough semester...

My repetoire consists of extremely difficult pieces for Classical Performance. Here's my program:
~ Study in Blue White & Gold - Miriam Hyde (very artistic, fun little piece! Quite difficult to play)
~ Prelude & Fuge no. 12 in F minor Well Tempered Clavier Book II - J.S. Bach (hate the Prelude but the Fuge is okay.)
~ Sonata in E minor - Grieg (HELL YEAH! Gung Ho Norwegian Patriotism at its finest haha! Lots of fun to play but very difficult!)
~ Variations on Theme by Robert Schumann op. 20 - Clara Schumann (Absolutely gorgeous! I've never heard such love and romanticism in a piece like this! Again, very difficult!)
~ Pour le Piano: Toccata - Debussy (AWESOME piece!!! Wanted to learn it for a long time but is EXTREMELY difficult!)

I am very happy with my program......BUT IT IS INSANELY DIFFICULT!!!!! I mean...two are of A.mus standard, and the other three of L.mus standard! That's as hard as it gets! I pretty much have to learn it all in like...2 months if I want any hope of passing the exam, and entering the competition which is IMPOSSIBLE for me! Pieces like this would probably take me 2 years to learn... Now, to add to the stress...Accompaniment. I'm accompanying my friend, David Bruce who plays the saxaphone for my assessments. The accompaniment is really awkward to play on the piano. I can't sight read to save my life either and the first assessment is in 2 weeks. I haven't finished learning the pieces....*cries*. This will take up a lot of my practise time and I need all the time I can get for my solo repetoire! Then there's theory. After our first lecture and tutorial...I swear, my mind exploded! It was so mind boggling, the theories we have to learn! It is so different to what we learned before and far out...whoever came up with these theories had waaaaaaay too much time on their hands! It's like geometry and trigonometry within the 12 pitch class... Earlier music was more rigid, asymmetrical, and was less flexible with direction due to the rules of suspension and resolution, revolving around simple ratios of the intervals in chordal progression within the asymmetrical diatonic scale. As music progressed to the Romantic period, composers discovered ambiguity and symmetry within the 12 pitch classes and the flexibility of the chromatic scale. Chord contained intervals of the tritone that allows 2 (or more) directions for it to go creating ambiguity. Everything is governed and ruled by numbers. It's scary how "art" in the music form, when broken down, is purely just numbers that work within each other in a very organised system. It's crazy! *Head implodes* There's also Chamber where Pey Shin and I wish to do another piano duo (we're thinking Bartok and Weber....hard stuff!). Then there's history, and music, media & society...both requiring essays of 2,000 and 2,200 words respectively. Oh, and aural was strange. We were supposed to identify the rhythm and melody of a voice in a fuge...A FUGE! What the hell?! Easy stuff? Easy stuff my BUTT it's easy.........*dies* Kill me now! If I survive through this year I am going to jump for joy...and possibly shoot myself before next year which will probably be five times worse!

Time finished: 20:48
Listening to: "Overwhelmed" - Butterfly Effect <-- lol!
Mood: Exhausted

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Half-way through the Degree and waiting to go Home!

Time started: 13:40
Place: Still in my Adelaide room...dangit!
Listening to: "Best Day" - Carpark North
Weather: Freezing cold....ugh.
Mood: Euphoric

So I'm halfway through my degree! I can't believe how quickly time has flown by.
I think I'm doing well considering chronic fatigue syndrome. I'm getting decent grades. At times uni is overwhelming but I am learning to cope with it better and better :). I'm happy!
I think I've done well with my exams. The results aren't posted up yet but fingers-crossed, they will be soon. I felt like I knew what I was doing in the theory exam. I worked hard for my history essay on The Marriage of Figaro and the French Revolution for history. Pey Shin and I both had a ball playing Maurice Ravel's Mother Goose Suite for Chamber and the word of mouth is out that we did well. I didn't do as well as I wanted for my Classical Performance exam but I felt I did the best I could to give a good performance.

I gave my teacher, Lucinda a call a couple of nights ago. We had a discussion on my progress and she's starting to believe in me as a fine musician now. I worked so hard to show her that I deserved to be here and she's finally starting to see the musician in me now. :)
I was over the moon when she told me that I actually got my best result yet for my piano exam. This is great news for me because that means I got at least a Distinction! :D
I'm more happy about being recognised as a musician who enjoys what I'm doing than my grades though. I feel more confident and feel like I'm doing the right thing now.

Speaking of more good news...mum had her check up yesterday. She's given the all clear, can possibly start work again soon...and WE CAN FINALLY GO HOME! Right now I'm just waiting for the hospital to call me to confirm when mum and I are going home. They are taking a very long time to organise it. It's a little frustrating because mum and I are DYING to go home...

I took mum around Adelaide the past week. Pey Shin and I took her to Hahndorf and she enjoyed the scenery there. I also took her out to lunch yesterday and Steven joined us. We ate at Pancake Kitchen and she loved the Cajun chicken xD. We probably stayed there for more than an hour just chatting away about nonsense. And Steven, may I add that your haircut looks fine?! DON'T BE SAD ABOUT YOUR SHORT HAIR!

After lunch, and mum's check up, I took mum to the Botanical gardens and despite the cold, she enjoyed that too. She loved the flowers and trees. It was good to get her out of the house after being cooped up at home and at the hospital for so long. I think I may have exhausted her from all that walking though :S. Whoops...SORRY, MUM!

Speaking of more happiness...I am on a high from love. Eheheheh *blushes*.
I met his parents today. I was not expecting that, and I was nervous! However, they are very lovely! I liked them a lot!! I can see where he got his cuteness, humour and charm from =P.
I am hoping I left them a good impression while being myself. It was only a brief little chat though since I was kind of distracting them from dinner...oops. It was a good little chat though :D. I'm still on a little high from it, hours later xD.

Right now I'm busy uploading photos onto Facebook of my Singapore/Malaysia trip. It's about time. I should've uploaded them months ago! Looking back at these photos makes me miss my family. I hope I get to see them again soon. I have a wonderful family! It's getting bigger too with the new generation blooming :). *Clucks* Eheheheh...

Oh, oh! As I write...I just got a call from the hospital. MUM AND I ARE GOING HOME ON SATURDAY!!!! YAAAAAAAY!!! *Bounces up and down*

I don't know what this blog is really meant to be about. I just want to post something happy. I wanted to post something that makes me feel like I've accomplished good things. It's hard to imagine that only two years ago I was the most depressed, pessimistic, and unhappy girl and now I'm a happy clam :). It goes to show how much I've tried to change the way I approach and think of life and grow up :). I'm pleased :). I'm not saying I never have my low moments now...evidently I still do from my last entry...but at least I know how to pick myself up and make the best out of everything now :). Life is too short to thrive on your mistakes, misfortunes, or unhappiness. You could be spending the time spent on thriving on being happy and accomplishing good things in life no matter how big or small. It's never impossible :).

Time finished: 17:13 (I got distracted...)
Listening to: "Marching Bands of Manhattan" - Death Cab for Cutie
Weather: Still cold...
Mood: Chirpy

Sunday, July 5, 2009

I haven't updated in a sue me!

Time started: 00:40
Place: My bedroom
Listening to: My mother's snoring
Mood: Indifferent
Weather: Depressing...

Like the title of this blog says, I have updated in a while.
It's been an interesting past couple of months...I don't have all evening to update on everything so I guess I'll just write the highlights of each month.

I went to Perth for two weeks in April. The soul purpose was to visit Erin, and my aunt.
I stayed at Erin and Alan's apartment for the first week I was there. Her parents were there too. They took me around and I got to have a good glimpse of Western Australia, thanks to them :).
I celebrated my 21st early with Rin. We're twins after all, you see. The joint celebration had to be done.
I also caught up with Skyler, a high school friend who I haven't seen for 5 years. It was nice to have caught up with her.
The second week I stayed at my aunt's. My dad was down for a holiday too so it was good to have some time spent with him. They mostly took me around to eat good Chinese yum cha.

After the little holiday it was back to uni. It was a tough Term 2 for me. My health was deteriorating again with chronic fatigue syndrome from a mixture of stress, malnutrition to a small degree, and lack of sleep.

Soon April ended and thus came May. I celebrated my 21st in Adelaide, involving a relatively large gathering of friends for dinner, and karaoke afterwards. It was quite fun and I've never had such a big party before. I also had a humungous cake!

The happy period was brief, however. A couple of weeks later my mother was admitted to hospital due to severe haemorrhage in her brain. She was flown down to Adelaide for emergency surgery and was in the Intensive Care Unit for almost a week. By this time I was already very behind uni and my health was poor so this added a huge weight on my shoulders. I visited mum every single day at the hospital. It's so lucky it's just next to the university. I tried to be brave for her, trying not to show any signs of my own weak health and educational struggles. It's good that my mother is the strongest and bravest woman I know. She was sickeningly chirpy in hospital in fact. The nurses couldn't tell her to shut up enough from all her hyperactive chit chat!

The surgery was a huge success, 3 weeks later she was discharged and decided to reside with me.

June came. Exam season. I was well prepared for all my subjects except for the one that mattered the most: Classical Performance. I couldn't get the practise time with looking after my mother, travelling time, and chronic fatigue...I was on the verge of failing...
I didn't give up. I pushed myself to the extremes. I was practising 7-9 hours every day. I was not going to prove Lucinda right by failing.
My persistence and stubborness pulled me through and I did my exam with a good attitude. I played horribly...but regardless, I put on a good performance and Lucinda was more than pleased.

It is now July. It's winter. It's wet. It's cold. Mum is still here and doing well.
We're both incredibly homesick though. Mum's check up is on the 8th. If she gets the all clear we can go home straight after.

I'm tired. Both physically, mentally, and emotionally. Maybe the winter cold is dampening my spirits. I don't feel depressed, but I don't feel manic either. nostalgic feelings of bipolar are not present...
What I'm worried about is tonight I'm feeling a little apathetic about life. Maybe it's because I had a very long day today. It was a good day but I'm worn out. Pey Shin and I took my mum to Hahndorf. It could be the chronic fatigue that is making me feel this way but today's fatigue feels different for some reason. I've been thinking a hell of a lot for the past couple of nights. There has been, and will be a change of events. I should stop thinking. It's not doing me or anyone any favours. My indifference is turning to a great fear.

I'm fearing I will lose something that is very important to me...

Time finished: 01:07
Listening to: Mum snoring...
Mood: A little sad.

Sunday, March 29, 2009


Time started: 17:50pm
Listening to: "Thanks for Your Time" - Gotye
Weather: Perfect!
Mood: Napping/Holiday mode.

Now I won't get into much detail of my holiday in Malaysia but it just made me realise how much I love my family. They are truly an amazing group of people and I just feel so fortunate to be part of it all.
Some of my cousins started having kids of their own and they're all such angels! Yes...spending time with my nieces and nephews have gotten me very clucky -.-;;. Leave me alone!

The holiday started in Singapore, then I went to Johor Bahru, took the bus to Taiping (my family's home time) and I got to see Pey Shin there for a day as well. She took me to the zoo :). I spent the first few days of Chinese New Year in Taiping. Our family was acting as rowdy as ever during this crazy festive season! My family spoiled mum and I greatly with lots and LOTS of good Malaysian food. After Taiping we spent about a week in Kuala Lumpur and spent the remaining Chinese new year there until we went back to Johor, then Singapore, where we departed to go back to Australia.

I took over 1000 photos and about 20 videos on this trip. Unfortunately, the heartbreaking thing is on the attempt of uploading them onto my computer, about 10% of them became corrupt files. I couldn't recover them. My favourite photos were amongst the corrupt and I was completely devastated. Irreplaceable images of my nieces and nephews and I were lost. Oh well...I will always treasure the memories I obtained with them :). I love my family so much and I miss them terribly. Hopefully I will save enough money to go back next year. I really want to go back again next year because it will be my paternal grandfather's 100th birthday. He's my only remaining grandparent left.

I will upload the photos onto my Facebook when I could be bothered. At the moment I'm just getting by the heavier workload of university this year. I'm going to set myself a higher standard for this year. I know I can do well...I just need to be motivated (which these days seem really hard...). I'm glad I have awesome friends at uni though that never fail to make me smile and laugh. It just makes going to uni all so that much easier. I love my friends so much!

I've noticed that lately I've been really thinking a lot about my future. I am all the more certain that I love my mother more and more. I am willing to take good care of her for the rest of her life. I know that much. Everything I am currently doing now, is all for her. I know this now. I may have taken my mother for granted a lot over the years but I hope she realises that she's the most important person in my life. I hope I get to give and provide her everything she deserves and more.

I've also finally met someone (surprising, isn't it?). Another thing I'm certain about is that he's very special and I'm determined to make it work. Nothing was intended but I don't regret anything. I know I'm being true to myself and I'm happy. That's all that matters. life seems to have a direction this year. Many, in fact. Hopefully they all take me to where I want to be :). Right now I'm more than accepting. Everything happens for a reason.

Time finished: 18:08
Listening to: "Firefight" - Jimmy Eat World
Mood: Sleepy.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Out of the country...

In a couple of hours I will be flying to Singapore.
I'm having a holiday in Singapore/Malaysia for a month so I won't have any net access...

In the mean time I will miss you all :heart:.

See you when I get back and take care, everyone :)