Time started: 20:11
Place: My room (Adelaide)
Listening to: the ringing of my ears...
Weather: Nippy
Mood: Lacking self-respect.
Yes, yes, I know...I whine all the time. I'd say 90% of my entries are just whining...*sigh*
I've made some last resort decisions in the past week:
I am going to do my piano exam in February instead of November because my progress is just way too slow.
I am also going to study part-time starting from next year which will mean by the time I graduate (gosh, I just hope I get to graduate!) I would've been studying at uni for 8 years only to get this one measley degree...
I'm just so tired...
I'm tired of being sick. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of being depressed. I'm tired of having this mind-set of not being able to do anything...
I played Debussy's Toccata at tech & rep class today. Not because I was scheduled to, but because I love this piece and I thought I was ready. I crashed and burned 100 times worse than I thought I would.
I know I haven't finished learning the piece for very long but I have played it so many times without stopping or huge errors, and with expression and colour but what I did in class today was a total disaster! I don't know why, but as soon as I went up to adjust the piano stool I suddenly felt ill. I could feel every muscle in my body tense. My fingers felt paralysed and from the word go, I was in total panic! I didn't even feel nervous initially. It just hit me like a truck...My fingers fumbled as they tried to move, I had a mental block from the panic and stopped everywhere, and I didn't feel the music at all. I was playing so dead-pan just to try to play from beginning to end...
It felt like the longest five minutes of my life just trying to get through the piece in front of the class...
I felt really depressed after because I wasn't sick today yet I played bad enough to make people's ears bleed...
I wasn't sick today. I had no excuse. And so what if I was nervous? I've played the piano long enough to be able to play in front of an audience...
I felt really depressed because Lucinda wasn't mad at me. She pitied me. So did everyone else...I didn't care if I went through a lot this year. I didn't care that I'm not at the best of health...
I felt really depressed because Lucinda hasn't seen me in my good days and every time I tell her I am capable, she just thinks my thoughts are just deluded because I am sick and that it's okay to be handicapped...
"Don't be too hard on yourself...", "It wasn't that bad...", "You're doing fine...", "Take it easy..."
Take it easy? That's the only thing I've been doing since year 11! Take it easy...
Disability memorandums, doctor certificates, medical considerations, special requirements, whining, crying, complaining...that's all I've been doing to pass over the past 5 years just to pass and get better grades while everyone else is working hard and being diligent without any aid like I should be! It just doesn't seem fair...
Oh, but you're sick, Min. You're going through a lot of problems in life, Min. It's okay...
So what?! Everyone gets sick! Everyone has problems! Why should I be any different? I don't have a terminal illness...
*Sigh*
I just cried after class. I cried almost throughout my one hour bus ride home. I was so upset. I know there's no point in being so hard on myself but maybe that's just it...maybe I'm not hard on myself enough so I can't handle anything...
When I got home, I desperately tried to get some practise done but from being upset I developed a migraine.
It's one problem after another...
I just fell asleep at the piano for a couple of hours...when I woke up, I stood up and nearly toppled over and hit my head in the corner. Well this is just great...
I'm angry. I'm angry because no matter how hard I try to be positive, no matter how hard I try to get things done, no matter how hard I try to make situations easier it just never happens...
I'm angry because I always have to find alternatives to get through things...
I'm angry because the house is a mess...not tidied, not vaccuumed, undone dishes, unswept floor, it's a MESS!
I'm angry because I still have this migraine and I have an aural exam tomorrow...there's ringing in my ears...
I'm angry because I just complained about having a migraine and used it as an excuse to not study or do my assignments and spend my time making this stupid entry instead...
So am I really sick? Or am I just pathetic?
I am a disappointment to my mother. I'm sick, stupid, and incapable and do nothing but disappoint her...
I know she's proud of me...but she's only proud of me because despite my stupid and sickly nature, I still persist on going...and continuously hitting my head against a brick wall...
"Maybe you're just not good enough for uni..."
I miss Levon like hell...he is the one person who makes me feel like I'm good enough for something at times like these...
I just want this all to stop. I want to be happy and healthy again...
When I made dinner tonight I couldn't even remember that I was looking for the wooden spoon and when I did remember, and I found it, I just stared at it for a lengthened period of time without remembering to pick it up.
Stupid spoon...it made me so angry...
What the hell is wrong with me?!
Time finished: 21:02
Listening to: Jarrad shouting "YOU F***ING FAGGOT!" at someone over the internet...
Mood: Sleepy...
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