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Sunday, August 30, 2009

What Really Makes the World Go Round?

Time started: 0419 (yeah...I'm having trouble sleeping)
Place: My room (Adelaide)
Listening to: Nothing...surprise...
Weather: Cold but calm at least
Mood: Uneasy but settling

I just thought I'd post this since a couple of people close to me have noticed I've been very down and not myself so I guess I should explain what's constantly on my mind right now.

You matters in this world more than I'd like it to. It's depressing. The world goes through more complex systems and lifestyles as time progresses. Just thinking about it makes me so tired. Simplicity in life is non-existent these days. Not even children these days can live their lives simply like children should because of the ever changing fears of the society and political correctness. Is it really a surprise that the rate of depression is constantly growing? Is it not scary? Thinking about the standard life for the contemporary individuals just frustrates me because I see so little meaning in life. Well, not quite. There is meaning in life. There always has been and there always will be, but everything around completely blinds us from it whether it'd be money, media, competition, expectations, deadlines, rules and regulations...anything.

I feel very pressured and anxious in more ways than one. The Government is allowing my mum only a year to recuperate her health after her aneurysm because she recovered remarkably well. After that they want her to go back to work, completely ignoring the several Doctor recommendations simply because she still has arms and limbs to move around and work. If only they knew how serious her condition really was. The surgeon specifically told me if she has an aneurysm again which is very possible, she WILL die.
Do I want her to go back to work again? Most definitely not! I will not allow it!

So I have come to terms with me having to study part time next year so I have room to work to help support her. I am originally really against that idea since I have already done two years of Biomedical Science beforehand and adding to the Music degree I am getting very tired of studying and just want to graduate and work full-time. However given the circumstances, I have no choice. My mother's health is the number one priority right now. I must do it. I'd be glad to do it. Besides...for all the years she's had to work off blood, sweat and tears for me, it's only fair.

My dad has something like a $30,000 debt from over-using his credit cards. My dad is a compulsive shopper and loves to spoil himself rotten. Not only that, he's getting kicked out of his apartment soon because he's no longer a suitable tennant since the village he lives in is really meant for the retired which he is not. My dad hasn't really been in a major part of my life but I figured he doesn't have anyone but me so I should help him out too. He may not be the father figure but he still loves me and of course, I love him too. He's simply still just a kid who just needs someone who loves him.

For the past couple of days I've been applying for jobs for Summer Vacation. I currently just got offered a temporary job for the Australian Electoral Commission to do some data entry online which is great because I can work at home and get paid decently. It's not enough to support my parents and me completely but it's a great start! I emailed the director asking him if there's any vacancies for me. He had to dig deep and fish out this small task for me during his intensively busy schedule which I really appreciate. I know him personally since I've worked for the AEC before during the federal election and he was impressed with my hard work.

I need to stop worrying because the more I worry, the sicker and more tired I get. I've been horribly slack the past few days from being so tired and it's stressing me out because I am very behind my piano practise for uni now. It's frustrating when I'm constantly getting fevers and just want to sleep every half hour I'm awake. It's probably a mental thing. I need to be stronger but everything is just putting me down right now and I'm really trying to pick myself up but I just don't know how. I don't have the confidence. I'm frightened. I over-think everything. Being sick should never be an excuse to stop me from doing what I need to do and I'm really tired of constantly using it as an excuse. I'm scared that it's depression. These past few days I can't stop crying, being irrationally snappy and have so much trouble getting out of bed but now as I write this entry I've just realised that I spend a ridiculous amount of time just worrying. It doesn't help when he's out of touch for a bit either. Not his fault. I just miss him a lot. Blargh.

Time can be so easily spent on things you wish you never did but when you realise's too late. That time you've wasted is gone. This concept can apply to life in so many ways. On one hand, time is short so you never want to waste it on doing something unproductive and never getting what you need to get done, done. On the other hand, since time is short, this also means life is short, so why use up all the short time to do something that worries you and stresses you out instead of enjoying yourself? *Sigh* see? The standard life is a constant battle between doing what you want to do, and doing what you need to do. Your wants and needs very rarely coincide. So what should one do? One could only worry...and be awake worrying...and write a worrying blog. Joy.

Well...on a happier note I've decided both mum and I work too hard and worry too much so I've booked flights for the both of us to go to Sydney in December. It's been a while since my mum's had a holiday just for the sake of a holiday. Malaysia didn't really count because she really only went back to reactivate her bank account and get some legal documentations of my grandmother's Will. Sydney will be fun since we both don't know much about it so we'll just explore, get lost, possibly drive each other insane =P. I'll get to see my best friend, Shan Shan too who I haven't seen for two years so it will be nice (even though she's going to be constantly working...*sigh*). She's going to try to visit me in Darwin in February though so that would be great (and in return I will be constantly working, probably...our syncronisation skills are awesome...)!

Contemplating depressing things in life can only make me value the good things in life more so I'm sorry if the moping gets annoying. My entry went into a positive turn, didn't it? And besides...I don't do well when I bottle it all up. I always feel like I get a bit of a revelation after I let it all out. I realise I think these things because of the one thing that matters the most: Love. I worry about money because I love my parents. I stress about uni because I want to have a career doing what I love: music. I'm always sick because...because...haha...I don't know...I love too much, maybe? Hahahaha. As if you could ever love "too much"! As horribly cliché as it sounds, I believe love is really what makes the world go round. At least in my world, anyway.

Wow, that was painfully bad. I think I'll stop writing bad now. Not only was it bad, I gave love and worry/stress parallel meanings! That is a big no no!

I obviously need good quality sleep. Sleep time!
(Wow...what an anti-climating ending. I fail.)

Time finished: 0516
Listening: A single bird chirping haha.
Weather: All I know is...there is the one bird chirping outside. And it's cold.
Mood: Amused by my fail abilities to attempt thoughtful blogging.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Go to Sleep Now, Little Fool!

Time started: 01:59
Place: My room (Adelaide)
Listening to: "The Island:Come And See/The Landlord's Daughter/You'll Not Feel The Drowning" - The Decemberists (the title of this blog comes from a line in this song)
Weather: Not as cold as I anticipated it to be. Yay!
Mood: Artistic

I'm having strange sleeping patterns at the moment (I nap in 5 hour intervals) and right now I feel like I need to produce something, whether it'd be a drawing, or a blog.

I've decided a blog is an easier option. I'm lacking the energy to come up with anything artistic so I'll just go with half-hearted waffling instead.

I'm frustrated with my unproductiveness. These days all my body wants to do is lock up its joints and induce me to sleep all day...fitting 6 hours of piano practise a day is just not possible for me...
I'm trying very hard not to become depressed from this. Not being able to do what I'm supposed to do is really irritating and tiring...I do not want to head down the road of depression again. I'm sure I won't though. I know I'm emotionally a lot stronger than I used to be. I have a lot of help and support from those I love as well so I feel very blessed.

Random: My housemate just yelled "Are you denying that placentas have thoughts?!"...
Okay...sorry, just wanted to add that to show how strange my housemates are! Moving on!

Last Thursday I had to perform for Classical Forum. I have exceptional luck because two hours before my performance...I don't know how...but a huge gust of wind blew and managed to knock me over. I banged my right knee and sprained my left ankle. I've sprained my left ankle 12 times throughout my lifetime now. It's like it will never see better days ever again. Poor left ankle. I've abused you over the years! Forgive me! Argh! I'm talking to my ankle! Clearly I am losing my sanity. I'm not even sure if I've had it in the first place!
My performance was a disaster. I made wrong notes everywhere, and I very unprofessionally corrected my mistakes. The pieces had no flow. It was, quite frankly speaking, crap! Ahh well...I smiled and carried on. I got to the end and had fun anyway. I guess that's all that matters. The audience listened through it, at least!

I've spent the whole weekend being a bum pretty much. I think my sore legs have increased my fatigue with unrefreshing sleep, and lots of pain. I just put my legs up in hopes of them healing fast, which they are, thank goodness :).

Gosh, I am the biggest clutz in the world =P. At least I can laugh about it. That's probably why they're healing fast, because I'm not moping over the pain and letting them get me down. Okay...I am...BUT I LAUGH ABOUT IT AFTERWARDS! :(

Meh...this feels like a pointless and boring blog.
Um...I've listened to Mew's new album! It was an amazing music experience for me :). They're my favourite band and never fail to disappoint me. I don't want to write a review about their album now because I can't really express or justify how good I think it is and how much I love it with words.

Speaking of not being able to express loving something with words...I love you, LeLe. You help me and are there for me so much more than you'll ever know! Stop missing me so much! BE HAPPY! You'll hear so much from me you'll be SICK OF IT! >:0

Don't you just hate revealing your weaknesses?! I do =P. I think certain friends are going to use this to their advantage to tease me now =P. Ahaha...good ol' friends!

My teachers from different subjects are discussing my progress to each other. They're concerned about my low self-esteem. They tell me they worry about me. I'm touched they care about me. It makes me realise I should be careful with my attitude because people do care about me more than I realise and how I think and feel makes an impact on them even if it's only to a small degree. I really need to live by my own belief of being happy and making others happy because that is certainly true. If something bothers me, I won't hesitate to vent because from past experiences, I know it's unhealthy to bottle it up. However, I do not want to let my bothers bring me down anymore, or make it other people's problems. It's not fair...I feel like I'm making my problems Lucinda's problems too.

Well...I guess I've found a purpose to this blog entry now. I need to look after myself, sleep better, and stop worrying other people! RAR!
I am strong! I am strong! I am strong! Hell yeah I am! I CAN DUU EET!!!

Time finished: 2:47am
Listening to: "Sunsets" - Powderfinger
Mood: False confidence....meh!