tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-90053922279334517322024-03-09T02:38:23.492+10:30Fangie's RamblesJust me rambling about anything when I'm in the mood.•°¤*(¯`°ƒåήğזє°´¯)*¤°•http://www.blogger.com/profile/12077627212740158711noreply@blogger.comBlogger60125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9005392227933451732.post-28544152018796877292013-06-05T23:39:00.004+09:302013-06-05T23:39:56.835+09:30Erratic<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Time started: 23:29<br />Place: My room (Alawa)<br />Listening to: "Heart's a Mess" - Gotye<br />Mood: Depressed<br />
<br />
It's been nearly a year since I've updated this blog. Over the last couple of years I've become more of an introvert that I just don't express my feelings any more. Not even in writing.<br /><br />A lot has happened in the last 11 months.<br /><br />Mum and I went on a trip to Bali and Lombok, Indonesia. We had an amazing time. The locals were amazing people and so was the scenery. It was amazing how the tribal villagers lived in such poverty yet they were the happiest people I've ever met. This leads on to the purpose of writing this entry...how ashamed I feel with myself...being so lucky...yet so unhappy...<br /><br />In December, Levon came to visit me and he proposed to me during Christmas on Casuarina beach while watching a lightning storm. We are now engaged. It has made me extremely happy. We shared 6 wonderful weeks together. We went to Tasmania and had a great time. We knew more about each other and realised how happy we make each other, and how much we love each other. I also got offered a job at Darwin High as a music teacher which is what I am working as now.<br />I love my job. I love the school, and I love my colleagues and students. I feel like my life has more meaning and direction than it has ever been but why do I feel so depressed?<br /><br />I have it so good. I have everything working for me in life and in love yet I feel like the worst person in existence. I feel so angry all the time. I am so angry at myself I take it out on other people...the people I love the most. This erratic behaviour is sucking me into the vicious cycle I started many years ago during high school and early years of university. They were the worst years of my life...<br /><br />I'm not sure whether or not it is because my life is working out so fine, yet I don't feel like deserve any of it so I've resorted to hating myself to insanity...or I'm just insane. Can people just be insane? Is it a condition you are born with or does something happen along the way you are made that way? I don't know what it is but I want it to stop. I'm hurting the ones I love. I am trying to find solace in expressing my anger in writing and hopefully I will not so be erratic if I continue to do so...<br /><br />Time finished: 23:39</div>
•°¤*(¯`°ƒåήğזє°´¯)*¤°•http://www.blogger.com/profile/12077627212740158711noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9005392227933451732.post-90917478422414279672012-07-07T02:12:00.003+09:302012-07-07T02:12:41.597+09:30It's Quiet in the Top End<br />
Time started: 01:48<br />
Place: Alawa (Living Room)<br />
Listening to: Tank filter<br />
Weather: Cool and crisp<br />
Mood: Yearning<br />
<br />
I just realised I haven't updated my blog since before my exam last year. It is a ridiculously long time.<br />
<br />
So here's a quick update on what has been happening with my life:<br />
<br />
I got a distinction for my exam. Overall I did a solid performance and the audience enjoyed it. Lucinda was proud of me. I'm happy.<br />
<br />
I made a move back up to Darwin. Mark made the move with me. He decided it was time for a new chapter in his life and try his luck finding a job up there. Moving back in with mum for the first few months was a little difficult at first. It was a very stormy road for the both of us and Mark was a good buffer.<br />
Within a couple of months, Mark found two jobs. One as a part-time sales assistant at Best & Less, and one as a part-time lab technician at CDU. Within the next month or two he should be getting a full time job at CDU for medical research.<br />
<br />
I had my graduation ceremony in April. It was nice to see some of my friends again and look around my home of five years once more.<br />
<br />
I've been busy with university. I completed my first semester of my Graduate Diploma in Teaching and Learning. Only one semester to go and I will become a registered teacher.<br />
<br />
Living back in the top end has been nice. I enjoy the constant warm weather, the beaches, the sunshine, the easy, laid-back lifestyle. It is a good reminder of how much I've missed home. I do miss my friends in Adelaide though. I miss the buzz of restaurants in the evenings, the coffee, and the festivals.<br />
<br />
Nature up here is definitely better. I think it's the perfect balance of metropolitan life and the wilderness. Shan Shan made a visit up here. My friends and I took her to the Mindil Beach Markets, Litchfield National Park, and just bummed around, mostly. I also go to see Eliza for the first time in years. She was delighted to see Kylie expecting. Only 9 days until Kylie's son's due date! I am really excited to meet him.<br />
<br />
I have been super clucky lately. I don't know why...maybe it's just the age I'm at. Most of the time I'm thinking about puppies more often than babies but now it's the other way around.<br />
<br />
I bought two fish tanks and am now a proud owner of 17 fish and a snail. I've become a little bit crazy over them. I'm looking after them like a paranoid mother. Imagine what I would be like when I actually become a mother! All hell would break loose!<br />
<br />
I miss Levon. I haven't spoken to him much at all this year. I am lucky to speak to him once or twice a week. What is scary is I'm starting to get used to his absence. I hate this feeling. I want to need him like I used to. There used to be so many things I was dying to tell him but these days life just kind of rolls by and I don't have that need any more...we don't say much to each other. We're not unhappy, but we don't talk much. It scares me that we will run out of things to say one day and realise how unhappy we are together. I don't want that to happen because I like to believe that he is the love of my life and we are destined to be together. I love him so much...<br />
<br />
I don't know...I guess when I'm just talking to him through a computer screen, I'm not really talking to him. It's just virtual reality. Even though it's simulated by the real him, it's just not the same. I'm sure that in real life it would be much easier. Is it bad to feel scared about our relationship? I mean, if we're so in love with each other and we're right for each other, we shouldn't feel scared at all, right? I hate over-thinking things all the time.<br />
<br />
I hope I can see him soon...it's been just about a year since we last saw each other...<br />
Saying goodbye to him at the airport was extremely hard...I never want to say goodbye to him like that again but I know it will happen again.<br />
<br />
I think I deserve an award for having the longest long-distance relationship possible with the least frequencies of seeing each other...man, I really hope we're right for each other...<br />
<br />
Time finished: 02:05<br />
Mood: A little depressed<br />•°¤*(¯`°ƒåήğזє°´¯)*¤°•http://www.blogger.com/profile/12077627212740158711noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9005392227933451732.post-70824061426934000952011-10-25T02:16:00.003+10:302011-10-25T02:32:33.608+10:30Spring Cleaning<span class="Apple-style-span" >Time started: 02:17</span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >Place: My room (Wattle Park)</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >Listening to: "End of the World (Xilent Remix)" - Alex Metric ft. Charli XCX</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >Weather: Cold and windy</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >Mood: Exhausted</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" ><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >Spring is my least favourite season for multiple reasons:</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >1. Pollen - The devilish cause of my frequent multiple sneezes, itchy eyes, runny nose, and fatigue.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >2. Weather - Bipolar in nature, it is hard to predict whether it will be sunny, windy, rainy, hot, cold, or in between. My body's thermostat just cannot cope with the sudden, contrasting, and extreme changes.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >3. Cleaning - I never understood why this is the season to clean but everyone seems to clean at epic proportions during this time of year. Perhaps everyone is too lazy or cold to clean during Winter and mess piles up. I know this was the reason for me, anyway.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" ><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >Well it took me two days just to clean my room. I am at fault for procrastinating for the majority of two of the days though. 284 sneezes later, my room is finally clean and tidy! I still haven't cleaned the kitchen yet and I still have to do the dishes and laundry!</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" ><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >Over the past few years I have developed very bad habits of being messy. I am going to have to correct these habits before I move back home to live with mum in Darwin because she has severe OCD. I much prefer being in a clean and tidy environment anyway (as I guess it would be the same for anyone, really).</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" ><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >I really should stop making such mundane entries...it's just too bad there's nothing interesting happening in my life right now. The next month or so will surely have improvements for the Interesting Radar...</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" ><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >Time finished: 02:29</span></div>•°¤*(¯`°ƒåήğזє°´¯)*¤°•http://www.blogger.com/profile/12077627212740158711noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9005392227933451732.post-85039510266114103992011-10-11T01:28:00.002+10:302011-10-11T01:36:24.318+10:30Lance Dossor PrizeTime started: 01:28<div>Place: My room (Wattle Park)<br /><div>Listening to: "Ondine" from Gaspard de la Nuit - Ravel</div><div>Weather: Cold<br />Mood: Dazed</div><div><br /></div><div>I participated in a piano competition for the first time in over 6 years today.<br />I probably played the best I've ever played in front of people for a really long time.</div><div><br /></div><div>I think I surprised a lot of people because I'm mostly catastrophic and a shaking dog on the stage and for the first time ever I actually had a lot of fun playing on the piano in front of Lucinda! It has been a long time since I've felt this way on stage.</div><div><br /></div><div>I didn't win of course, I didn't expect to win but I never cared about winning. Today I played the best I could and that is a win for me.<br /><br />I hope for my recital I will be at least 10 times better than I was today :).</div><div><br /></div><div>Time finished: 01:35</div><div><br /></div></div>•°¤*(¯`°ƒåήğזє°´¯)*¤°•http://www.blogger.com/profile/12077627212740158711noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9005392227933451732.post-18138572233659769462011-09-30T05:42:00.002+09:302011-09-30T05:45:06.403+09:30Light Switch<span class="Apple-style-span" >Time started 05:42</span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >Listening to: String Quartet no. 1 "City Streets" - Chris Larkin</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >Weather: Stormy</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >Mood: Hurt</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" ><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >It's scary how some people can just forget about you or dismiss you as quickly as a flick of a switch. The word "friends" is so easily tossed around these days. Are people really friends or is it just convenient to be social?</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" ><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >Time finished: 05:44</span></div>•°¤*(¯`°ƒåήğזє°´¯)*¤°•http://www.blogger.com/profile/12077627212740158711noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9005392227933451732.post-76277417996543841462011-07-29T05:17:00.002+09:302011-07-29T05:20:38.233+09:30Chocolate<span class="Apple-style-span" >Time started: 05:18</span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >Place: My room (Wattle Park)<br />Weather: Cold but fine</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >Mood: Restless</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" ><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >There's always too much of a good thing...<br />I went to Cocolat with some friends tonight at about 10pm and probably had too much chocolate. Had iced mocha and Tiramisu.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >Now I can't sleep.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" ><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >Note to self for future reference: Never have chocolate past 9pm at night...</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" ><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >Time finished: 05:20</span></div>•°¤*(¯`°ƒåήğזє°´¯)*¤°•http://www.blogger.com/profile/12077627212740158711noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9005392227933451732.post-42519604531780195902011-07-27T12:09:00.004+09:302011-07-27T12:27:21.214+09:30/fail.<span class="Apple-style-span">Time started: 12:11</span><div><span class="Apple-style-span">Place: My room (Wattle Park)</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span">Weather: Fine</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span">Mood: Lethargic</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span">I've been sick and nauseous for a week. First time I've been sick with a cold or flu all year.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span">My phone has been "sick" for about a week too. Mum tried to call but she couldn't hear me at all from her end.<br />I've been having much difficulty receiving and sending text messages too. It's a pity...it's quite a good phone.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span">Oh well, I'll just keep it now as a spare. It still works really well as a modem.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span">I guess I now have an excuse to buy a new phone...which I did. So much for saving money this year...</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span"><br />I will soon be a new Crackberry owner.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span">I bought a Blackberry Bold 9780 unlocked and brand new on ebay for $260 including postage. This is the most I've ever spent on a phone and I sort of regret it because I'm not that rich. Pretty darn good considering Telstra's selling it for $750 and the rrp is like $999. I hope it's as good as the reviews have raved. I didn't want to join the bandwagon of having an iPhone 4. I like QWERTY keyboards anyway and this smartphone is designed to be a smartphone and not some well-marketed piece of crap. I've always been a Nokia user up til now but Nokia hasn't been making great phones lately. I'll give Blackberry a try. I've been messing with Levon's phone which is a Blackberry. I liked what I saw so far.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span">The review will come once I get it and use it :).</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span">Time finished: 12:24</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div>•°¤*(¯`°ƒåήğזє°´¯)*¤°•http://www.blogger.com/profile/12077627212740158711noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9005392227933451732.post-62110000501254671202011-07-25T00:53:00.005+09:302011-07-29T05:22:16.014+09:30My American Adventure<span class="Apple-style-span">Time started: 00:54</span><div><span class="Apple-style-span">Place: My room, (Wattle Park)</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span">Weather: Cold</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span">Mood: Reminiscent</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span">I came back from the United States a couple of weeks ago.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span">I was there for a month to visit Levon and meet his family. I had the time of my life.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span">His parents were so friendly to me. I felt like I was part of the family straight away!</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span">Their home was beautiful. They lived on top of a hill at Pismo beach that overlooks both the mountains and the beach.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span">The time that Levon and I had was fun and very revealing with the fact that we are both definitely in love and compatible.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span">We had serious talks about how to progress our relationship. There's no doubt the next few years will be hard still being apart but we can see the end of the long distance relationship now. We're going to make it work.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span">USA is a pretty awesome country (but I've only been in California and Washington). However, Australia wins hands down for being a better country to live in.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span">I'll go through what I did in the States.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span">His parents took me to some of their favourite places to dine. My first impression on American food was they were overwhelmingly huge! Take away...or should I say "food to go" was a constant term used in post-dining out experiences.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span">Went skydiving with Levon and his mother. There's really nothing to be afraid of with Skydiving. It was the most amazing thing ever and the view was absolutely stunning! I'd definitely do it again and highly recommend it with EVERYONE!</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span">Levon and I flew up to Washington to meet his extended family and friends. Washington is amazingly beautiful and green. I met his family up in Lacey and his friends in Olympia and Tumwater. I fell in love with his cousin, Daniel's Border Collie x Australian Shepherd named Mika. I spoke Cantonese to his aunt Maggie and his grandmother. It was a riveting experience. We watched a baseball game in Tacoma and went up the Space Needle and Pikes Markets in Seattle. It was a very inviting and laid back place. Besides the dismall weather, it was a wonderful place to be.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span">San Francisco is a colourful city in every sense of the word. It has colourful buildings, colourful culture, and the language they used was also colourful.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span">Yosemite Valley was more beautiful than I could imagine. We had an awesome tour guide named Karen who was genuinely very friendly and excited to be our tour guide. She knew what she was doing and she really wanted us to have a good time. It was nice meeting the other campers too. There were two Kiwis, a British family, and a fellow Australian. I took about 700 photos in the valley. The views were breath-taking. The hikes were hard but we did ourselves proud at the end (even though we were unable to walk without wincing in pain for a couple of days after).</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span">Monterey & Carmel was probably beautiful if it wasn't for the appalling weather and tour guide. The tour guide loved the sound of his own voice and spoke of nothing of interest. He even described toilets...or should I say "restrooms".</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span">We headed back to Pismo Beach just to relax from all the touring we did. I met a lot of his parents' friends for 4th of July and witnessed spectacular fireworks and the patriotism of American residents.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span">The last leg of my journey involved going back down to the LA area. We first went to Disneyland for 14 hours trying to do as much as we can. It was undoubtedly fun even though I didn't really have an interest to go in the first place. All the rides, shops, costumes were very finely done with an uncanny, exceptional attention to detail.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span">I met up with my friend Catherine who was an exchange student a couple of years ago. It was good to catch up with her. She showed me around Huntington Beach and the South Coast Shopping mall. We chatted and reminisced about Australia.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span">The last day involved seeing the Hollywood sign, walking the star walk down Hollywood Boulevard, and killing time in a bowling alley before my flight.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span">Levon and I held each other for an hour crying at the airport...</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span">I stopped by in Melbourne before heading home to spend time with Rebecca and her family. It was good to see William all grown up. The last time I saw him (besides before going to the US) was about a year ago when he was just a few days old! It was so nice to spend time with the Colliers and just do fun things with them like baking, watching movies, playing Munchkin and going out to nice places for food.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span">I'm pretty sad to be back. Back to reality. Back to depressing Adelaide, and university.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span">If possible, I'd turn back time and re-live my month in the USA to be with Levon in a heartbeat...it sucks suddenly being alone and without him again...</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span">I have the future to look forward to though, and now I just have pleasant memories and a couple of thousand photos. One thing is for certain...he is in my future and we love each other. I guess that's all that matters.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span">Time finished: 01:17</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span">Mood: Content</span></div>•°¤*(¯`°ƒåήğזє°´¯)*¤°•http://www.blogger.com/profile/12077627212740158711noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9005392227933451732.post-44298995097263732982011-05-18T23:07:00.004+09:302011-05-18T23:26:40.440+09:30The Truth Hurts<span class="Apple-style-span" >Time started: 23:08</span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >Place: My dining room (Wattle Park, Adelaide)<br /></span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >Listening to: "Something About Us" - Daft Punk</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >Weather: Cold</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >Mood: Pondering</span></div></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" ><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >A discussion with an old friend of mine lead me to think about lies that people tell. He claims that knowing the truth is much better than not knowing and forever wondering but the look on his face has an interesting way of proving his point.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" ><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >People take up their entire lives searching for the truth with a million questions:</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >- Does he/she feel the same way?</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >- Does this make me look fat?</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >- Am I really bad at doing this?</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >- Is there a God?</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >- What is my purpose in life?</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >- Is he/she the one?</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >- What do people really think of me?</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >- When/how will I die?</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >We ask these questions because we're searching for the truth...and often the truth is not something we want to hear, so why do we search for these answers if we're happier not knowing? What preparations can we actually make by knowing the truth?</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" ><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >I told a friend of mine a truth that I knew he did not want to hear yet he persisted on knowing and talked me into it saying it'll do him more good than harm, that I have to be cruel to be kind. So I did, which only lead to more unnerving questions. His face told me a story of nothing but hurt and regret as a response to my answer.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" ><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >We've all been there before...searching for a truth, and disappointed with what we'd find. Are we really happier not knowing or being lied to? Do people really move on from a truth that pains them to the core? There are two kinds of people in these situations:</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >- People who build a bridge and get over it, or</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >- People who don't, walk through the rapid stream and plummet down the waterfall.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" ><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >The truth hurts and it can either make you or break you. I'm finding myself more cynical with more painful truths. What's the point if there's nothing in it for you or others? So, ignorance is bliss or knowledge is power? How should one live their life? More questions...</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" ><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >I guess the best way is to think, with every crisis comes an opportunity.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >However I'm yet to know what that opportunity is...</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" ><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >Time finished: 23:24</span></div>•°¤*(¯`°ƒåήğזє°´¯)*¤°•http://www.blogger.com/profile/12077627212740158711noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9005392227933451732.post-54167882917744384092011-05-11T02:42:00.003+09:302011-05-11T03:19:52.057+09:30Dad<span class="Apple-style-span" >Time started: 02:42am</span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >Place: My room (Wattle Park, Adelaide)</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >Weather: Cold</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >Mood: Melancholic</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" ><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >I just had a conversation with my uncle Fook Tow. I only got to know him a little in January/February during my trip in Malaysia. We had a long conversation about the importance of life, family, and my dad.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" ><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >Bringing up the subject of my dad is always hard. I have so many mixed feelings towards him. There are parts of me who resent him for all the years of neglectful attitude towards me and the responsibilities and duties of being my father. There are parts of me where I'm embarrassed by him because he can never swallow his pride and he is a hard person to be around and deal with. But there's an even greater part of me that wants to reach out to him and provide him with the love and respect he has never received his entire life. I know that love and respect has to be earned, but no-one has ever given my dad a chance. It's no wonder he is such a bitter and defensive person. Growing up in a big family full of half-cast siblings of a different mother, being the only uneducated one out of him and his ten siblings, having severe dyslexia and never understanding why he can never progress, marrying a woman who's never loved him, and never get to see his only daughter who never really has much to say to him. He lives alone in a rented apartment in a village full of pensioners where he is surrounded by nothing but his collection of model cars. It never really dawned on me just how unhappy he really is.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" ><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >I will never get to know the feeling of growing up with parents who love each other and have an unbroken marriage. I will never know the feeling of having a father who would teach me how to do things or point me in certain directions in life. I can ponder, wonder, and imagine all I like, but while I'm doing that, I have a father who is hurting more than anyone can see from the surface and probably needs his daughter's love more than anything in the world. I know I don't give him many chances or opportunities. I do try, but I know I don't try hard enough. If a little respect and love is all he needs to build him some self-esteem and happiness then I will provide him that because it's so much more simpler and so much more easier to forgive than remembering unhappy memories of the past and seeing the negatives.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" ><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >I will give my dad a call tomorrow.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" ><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >Time finished: 03:17</span></div>•°¤*(¯`°ƒåήğזє°´¯)*¤°•http://www.blogger.com/profile/12077627212740158711noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9005392227933451732.post-38701171921237866292011-05-05T18:16:00.003+09:302011-05-05T18:25:27.250+09:30Bipolar<span class="Apple-style-span" >Time started: 18:19</span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >Place: My room (Wattle Park, Adelaide)</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >Listening to: The clock ticking</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >Weather: Cold</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >Mood: Undecided</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" ><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >One minute I'm laughing, the next minute I'm crying.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >One minute I'm excited, the next minute I'm unmotivated.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" ><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >These ups and downs are wearing me out.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >I need help of any form.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >What do I want? What do I need? I don't know any more.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >I'm split into two directions and neither is making me happy.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" ><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >Someone just tell me what I'm supposed to do...</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >Whatever I say or do just never seems right.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >I've never been so confused.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" ><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >Time finished: 18:24</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" ><br /></span></div>•°¤*(¯`°ƒåήğזє°´¯)*¤°•http://www.blogger.com/profile/12077627212740158711noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9005392227933451732.post-54071026974988784242011-03-27T00:16:00.002+10:302011-03-27T00:17:17.920+10:30Hypocrisy<span style="color: rgb(51, 102, 255);"><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Time started: 00:09<br />Place: My room (Wattle Park)<br />Weather: Starting to get cold<br />Mood: Self-conscious<br /><br />Have you ever realised how easy it is to pick on others' faults? The stuff we dislike about them? It is so easy to say horrible things about others but I wonder how many of us stop to think about the horrible things we say or do ourselves? Aren't we the same? It is so easy to see bad things in other people and we are blinded by the good things we believe to be in ourselves...<br />My faults are aplenty.<br />I'm struggling to see anything good about me right now, however. I've been reminded why I'm always so self-conscious.<br />I never want to practise in Elder Hall ever again. At least that's how I feel...<br /><br />Time finished: 00:11</span></span>•°¤*(¯`°ƒåήğזє°´¯)*¤°•http://www.blogger.com/profile/12077627212740158711noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9005392227933451732.post-11582540602517902152011-03-20T22:54:00.004+10:302011-04-02T17:40:30.508+10:30My Life is Full of Plain Bad Timing<span style="color: rgb(51, 102, 255);font-size:100%;" ><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Time started: 22:54</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Place: My room (Wattle Park)</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Listening to: Crickets chirping</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Weather: A little nippy</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Mood: Heartbroken</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I spoke to Levon today who had to bear me with bad news.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Something important came up for him in November, the same month he was going to come visit for my final recital, but now he can't go.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Life sucks...but at least our lives are a million times better than those affected by the massive earthquake in Japan. My whole world still exists, at least...</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">It would've been nice to see him more than once this year but I guess our tradition of seeing each other only once a year lives on...</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Time finished: 22:57</span></span>•°¤*(¯`°ƒåήğזє°´¯)*¤°•http://www.blogger.com/profile/12077627212740158711noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9005392227933451732.post-57359154707831513562011-03-08T00:33:00.002+10:302011-03-08T01:09:20.354+10:30Speculation on Alternate Realities<span style="color: rgb(51, 102, 255);"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Time started: 00:34<br />Place: My room (Wattle Park, Adelaide)<br />Listening to: Cricket bugs.<br />Weather: Hot<br />Mood: Speculative<br /><br />So I've been watching movies like De ja vu, Star Treck, The Oxford Murders, and reading random stuff about space and time and how there are random 6 hours that appear in space.<br /><br />This makes me wonder...it is theoretically possible to time travel/exist in more than one place/time thus it is possible to have a co-existing reality. This brings up my theory of the universe having no/many absolute truths which I guess is similar to the Buddhist belief of no God/many Gods. I guess either way could be true because I believe that whatever people believe in, whether they're Atheist or Christian, to be true. Why do people spend so much time arguing to each other about who's religion is right and wrong? Everyone is so convinced they are right that it seems illogical for them to find that they're wrong. Can't we just for the sake of argument and exploring the truth just sit back and think for a second that maybe everyone is both right and wrong? It doesn't seem logical that people can exist in more than one place, or time travel, or that time is not linear, yet it is theoretically (with very specific calculations) possible!<br /><br />Why do we experience De ja vu? Is it because in a reality we've already gone through the same path we are crossing now?<br /><br />Why are there random 6 hours that appear out of nowhere in space? I reckon those 6 hours are for the choices we could have made and the alternate fate exists in an alternate reality, ie. the extra 6 hours in our galaxy.<br /><br />Why are there theories about wormholes and time travelling and how it's theoretically possible to exist in more than one place? The evidence in quantum physics is sound. This proves that time is not linear. It's not even three dimensional. It's just endless and is in the light. It's just everything. There really is an eternity and God, this Diety, a force, an unexplainable energy, whatever people want to call it exists in eternity. This also allows me to speculate that there are unlimited ways each and every one of us have lived our lives. I don't know if our co-existences ever cross paths, but I guess in a sense it does which is why people get de ja vu. It could be moments that cannot be changed or simply just haven't changed. Whether or not we can individually change our destinies, I wouldn't know, but I think there are many destinies for one person. They just don't occur simultaneously in one reality.<br /><br />I would love to call myself a Christian because I do believe in God, and I do believe in Jesus dying for our sins, the Bible and stuff like that but I am still too open minded to except the fact that it is the only way for people to live their lives spiritually. It's hypocritical, I know...but I just can't fault other people's beliefs and their way of finding spiritualism either so to this very day I am still a Buddhist. I don't believe God just damns people to hell. I'm not even sure if I see him as a humanoid diety. Is there really a heaven and hell? I think there is an afterlife but I don't know about Judgement day or singing Angels with a pearl gate, and flaming pool of fire with a horned Satan. I think we all make a path for our souls. I don't know...it's hard to explain. I just think people should stop hating each other and telling each other what to believe and find whether they're right or wrong. We should all just let things be and just be the best possible person we can be. Why is it "against God's will" to be a Buddhist trying to find out what the truth is and showing compassion for others and helping each other all we can? Why would that be Satan deceiving people? Not necessarily the Buddhist way, but Islam, Hinduism etc. All religions have something in common which is compassion. Everyone is different and have different lifestyles, why can't we just all accept this and just let people live the way it is suited for them instead of shoving hate down everyone's throats? If we stop complicating things in our minds and our soul, and just empty everything in our head, it would probably be a lot easier to discover our truths. Like one of the Buddhist sayings "The cup needs to be empty in order to be filled."<br /><br />Time finished: 01:05<br />Mood: Tired<br /><br /><br /></span></span></span>•°¤*(¯`°ƒåήğזє°´¯)*¤°•http://www.blogger.com/profile/12077627212740158711noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9005392227933451732.post-31730915116665704692011-01-21T01:47:00.006+10:302011-01-21T02:20:23.024+10:30Being Overseas is so tiring...<span style="color: rgb(51, 102, 255);font-size:100%;" ><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Time started: 23:17</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Place: My temporary room at my uncle's (Subang Jaya)</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Listening to: The noise of the television downstairs.</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Weather: Very warm.</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Mood: Exhausted.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Being on vacation is meant to be a time for one to relax and recuperate but why do I feel so tired?</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">I think it's routine for people in Malaysia to wake up early, eat out, go shopping (or work all day and THEN go shopping), come home, go out to eat again, come home, go out to eat again, come home and watch movies until 2am then sleep for 3 hours and repeat. How do these people do it?! I'm exhausted! My migraines and signs of chronic fatigue are more evident here. I'm ready to drop dead. Don't get me wrong, I'm having a wonderful time with my family but I just don't have the energy to do this...and I've only been here for three days!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">The food here is amazing though. So far since I arrived I've eaten Chinese Malay, Vietnamese, Cantonese, Szechuan, Indian and Japanese food. All of them are very authentic too and sublime to eat. I'm surprised with how bloated you'd actually feel with such small servings.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">The family and I went out to this Japanese club at the city for dinner. The food and presentation was amazing...I had raw salmon and crab on top of sushi rice, chicken tempura sided with miso soup and some weird egg thing with random vegetables inside. It was soooo good. The restaurant was really cool. The walls were actual paper screens and there were bookshelves everywhere completely filled with manga. The waitresses were so friendly and had permanent smiles on their faces too (and no, they were Malay, not Japanese, but the chefs were all Japanese). We were the only ones (besides the waitresses) who weren't Japanese. It really felt like we were in Japan.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">After dinner we went to visit distant relatives of mine and they have like a mansion worth twenty million. As soon as you step in through the gates you see eight cars parked outside (yes, I did say eight) and they were all brand new and were brands like Mercedes Benz, Audi, Alfa Romeo, Ben Lee, Volkswagen, BMW, Peugeot, and Porsche. My jaw dropped immediately...these cars would've cost at least a million or two each (in Malaysia the tax on cars is ridiculous, something like 300%). Then I step into the house and the living room is at least the size of a standard house and is about 20m tall! They had a giant Christmas tree in the middle (only it was decorated with giant peonies and they called it the Chinese New Year Tree) and the owner had his own portrait painting 4x the human size hanging on the wall as if he was the sultan or something. He had 2 miniature toy sized poodles, 3 labradors (gold, chocolate and black) and a German shepherd (all imported from Australia). He had two swimming pools at the back, marble floors, bullet proof glass windows that give you a complete view of his yard outside (which looks like some kind of Botanic Gardens) with automatic curtains (and the curtains were ridiculously fancy too), two grandfather clocks, about 5 massaging chairs and don't even ask me how many couches there were and I haven't even seen what the house looked like upstairs. There are probably 50 rooms up there...I couldn't believe it. I felt like I stepped into Buckingham palace...he had a ballroom and two function rooms and another separate living room downstairs with a cinema sized plasma tv...where did all his money come from?! I felt so awkward there...they acted like normal, every day people. Well of course they are normal people....just incredibly rich normal people... :/ I didn't know I had billionaire distant relatives...it's amazing how one side of my family are humble, not very well off country folk, and the other side are filthy rich city folk...the world doesn't make any sense to me...</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">As lovely and amazing as that house was, I felt really uncomfortable so I was glad when it was time for us to get out of there...</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Now that we're home, everyone's watching more movies. Isn't it time for bed?! It's almost midnight and they've started watching movies. The plan for tomorrow is waking up early, eating out, shopping, continue eating out, continue shopping, come home, eat out, come home and stay up late for more movies. How do these people do it?! I'm completely and utterly knackered!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Time finished: 00:39</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Mood: Knackered!</span></span>•°¤*(¯`°ƒåήğזє°´¯)*¤°•http://www.blogger.com/profile/12077627212740158711noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9005392227933451732.post-10060405474516293572011-01-18T21:18:00.004+10:302011-01-19T00:09:51.808+10:30First Day in Kuala Lumpur!<span style="color: rgb(51, 102, 255);font-size:100%;" ><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Time started: 20:40</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Place: My temporary room at my Uncle's place (Subang Jaya, Kuala Lumpur)</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Listening to: The ceiling fan blowing above me.</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Weather: Fine</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Mood: Exhausted.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">After many delayed flights we finally made it to Kuala Lumpur at around 1:30am. We got home just past 3am and I didn't go to sleep until 4am in this strange room where I've never been.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">I was quite annoyed to be woken up by dad at 8:30am. He was very excited to go out shopping.</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Waking up extremely sleep deprived and deflated, I detested my father this very morning as I hesitantly made myself a mug of bland milo (seriously, it just tasted like hot water with a hint of the milo essence despite putting 3 heaped tablespoons of it and "Australian made" milk).</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">My aunt took us out for breakfast and I had fried kwey teow and "ice tea". The Malaysian form of ice tea in that particular venue appeared to be Tetley tea with lots of milk and sweeteners and whole chunks of ice that fill 3/4 of the glass. Wow...I was expecting something along the lines of Lipton lemon ice tea or something which was what I was hinting at. Oh well...I will not deny that the ice tea was certainly interesting tasting. It wasn't bad, actually. Just something I'm not used to. Just think of it as an English breakfast with lots of ice! The fried kwey teow was really nice! Something like this in Australia would probably cost at least $9 and after the exchange rate I paid like $1.30 for the meal. It also tastes 10 times better since it's authentic!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">After breakfast, we took a taxi (teksi in Malay) to KLCC shopping centre (you know...where the twin towers are made famous by that Sean Connery and Catherine Zeta Jones movie "Entrapment"). My dad and the taxi driver were having a conversation in full flight the whole way. Too bad it was all in Malay...all I understood in the 20 minute conversation was "police station" (polis stesen...haha, figures!). We hopped off right outside the twin towers that towered over the both of us (no pun intended!). I couldn't help but giggle after picturing Sean Connery and Catherine Zeta Jones falling off at the link between the two towers, just like in the movie. As you step in you'll immediately feel out of place if you've always been a conservative spender like me! Tiffany & Co., Gucci, Prada, Georgio Armani...all these high class top notch brands that only the richest of the rich could afford...</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Dad took me in to see all these watches with brands I've never heard of. There was one watch that costs RM84,500 (which is over $28k in Aussie dollars!)!!!! It just looked like an ugly and fat piece of metal with hands and numbers so pretentiously designed it would even shame the Avant-garde period! Ridiculous for a gadget to tell the time, if you ask me...ah well...Bill Gates would probably buy it...probably...</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">We soon left that shopping centre. I mean, it was out of our league anyway (you even have to pay to use the public toilets and to wipe your shoes on their door mats! Okay, I'm kidding about the door mat part but they might as well!). We then walked around two other shopping centres (one called The Pavillion and the other...uh...I can't remember, sorry!). Dad bought me a $50 watch. It was still a lot more than what I'd pay for a watch but I was grateful he wanted to buy me a nice gift :). I'm just glad it's not over $20k!</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Soon we caught another taxi to go to Sunway Pyramid. This time we got a taxi driver that spoke Hakka so it was another 15 minutes of intense conversation between the driver and my dad. Thankfully I understood about 70% of the conversation since Hakka is one of the languages I speak. They were discussing the cost of living and my dad was just saying how expensive everything is in Darwin (he went on about overpriced Bok Choy for yonks which was a little amusing!) but how much he gets paid being a humble cleaner and how well he's looked after by the government. At the end of that topic I was a little confused as to whether he was for or against Australia's quality of life...</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">The Pyramid is strange because you'd that the building resembles a Pyramid (obvious reason why it's called Pyramid) with the Sphynx at the front...and then you'd see a bunch of red Chinese lanterns being hung everywhere outside because it's approaching Chinese New Year, and there's Starbucks and Bubba Gump Shrimp stores outside so.......the building just looks like it's having a severe identity crisis. Still, the building looks impressive as far as commercialism goes.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">The shops here were more middle class citizen friendly. There were even some familiar stores that I'd see in Australia such as Diva, The Body Shop, Harvey Norman etc...</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">First we had lunch at a Vietnamese restaurant and the food was great! I had grilled lemongrass NZ beef with noodles (identity crisis again? Kiwi beef!). It tasted really good though and the service was fantastic.</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Then we went browsing around a variety of shops and I bought myself two cook books (one was for microwaving food...I figured it'd help while I'm still studying at uni) and the other one was 200 low calorie recipes (I should probably watch my weight after all the weight I've gained!). Then after hours of walking around my feet were killing me (the shoes were a bit tight around my toes) and I could feel them forming blisters. We sat and had a drink then it was off to shop some more again! I managed to buy myself two dresses for Chinese New Year (it's tradition to wear new clothes to start the CNY). I found it miraculous that they fit me (I'm overweight) because although I'm not...I'm grotesquely obese in Malaysia!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Dad and I were worn out by the end of the day. I must say I'm impressed with the shopping environment here but so far with no patch of blue sky in sight all day and congested traffic it was a little worrying with how much of the toxicity of the air has entered into my blood stream from this one day alone. Ah well...worrying about it isn't going to make me any healthier.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">I came home ready to sleep, but of course I had to get ready to go have dinner with the family. With only 4 hours of sleep and 8 hours of shopping I'd rather drop dead on the bed there and then.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">We went to a local restaurant just around the corner. I tried frog for the first time. Frog as an Asian delicacy in a nutshell: It looks like chicken, and tastes like fish. The taste wasn't bad...but having grown up in Darwin with frogs everywhere you turn, I couldn't cut the image of a cute green tree frog hopping about with the smile-like appearance for the face...I couldn't eat another piece. I probably would've vomited...</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">The rest of the food was quite nice though, and I drank so much green tea! It is definitely nice to end the day with a good pot of green tea.</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">There was five of us eating with five dishes which complimentary peanuts and pickles for starters, water melon for dessert and a pot of green tea, it only cost RM77.70 in total! That's like $25 AUD! That would only be enough for one person in Australia dining in a fine cuisine Chinese restaurant with food that doesn't taste anywhere near as good!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">I shouldn't be surprised. This is like my 19th time I've visited Malaysia and I'm aware of the high cost of eating out in Australia. Mind you, the average person here only earns like RM700 a MONTH! I earn $700 a week at SUBWAY so I guess it doesn't really matter. The difference is still remarkable though.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Anyway, I'm finally home so I'm ready to go to sleep. Dad wants another shopping marathon tomorrow so I got to rest up and be prepared! My poor feet...</span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Time finished: 21:38</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Mood: Incredibly exhausted...</span></span>•°¤*(¯`°ƒåήğזє°´¯)*¤°•http://www.blogger.com/profile/12077627212740158711noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9005392227933451732.post-30402578006329276672011-01-14T23:25:00.003+10:302011-01-19T02:13:27.183+10:30Heartbroken...<span style="color: rgb(51, 102, 255);font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:100%;" >Time started: 22:28<br />Place: Living room (Darwin)<br />Listening to: The television<br />Weather: Okay, I guess...<br />Mood: You can read the title, right?<br /><br />My own best friend didn't believe in me. It's all just empty words...the things that people say to be nice to you...<br /><br />I try so hard and I'm never good enough in anyone's eyes...<br /><br />Time finished: 22:29</span>•°¤*(¯`°ƒåήğזє°´¯)*¤°•http://www.blogger.com/profile/12077627212740158711noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9005392227933451732.post-35866051252285606572011-01-14T00:10:00.002+10:302011-01-14T00:39:24.544+10:30I need to start running...<span style="color: rgb(51, 102, 255);font-size:100%;" ><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Time started: 23:29</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Place: Living room (Darwin)</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Listening to: Advertisements on the television.</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Weather: Fine and warm</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Mood: Sluggish</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">I have a horrible track record with health.</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">I still have chronic fatigue syndrome and I constantly get cluster migraines.</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">My heart rate is also high which suggests that I am very unfit and my cholesterol has also gone off the roof for the first time. I've also been feeling depressed lately...I'm worried I will be clinically depressed again and anti-depressants never helped me.</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">I've noticed I've gained a significant amount of weight and I'm a little worried about my health not only for the short term, but for the long term as well.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">There are many things I want to see and do and I've got a full life ahead of me so I need to change certain lifestyle habits of mine.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">I would like to run again. I don't just mean a kilometre or two...I would like to eventually gradually be able to run a marathon. It's easier said than done and the fact that I've sprained my left ankle 14 times certainly will not help...</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">I'm tired of never completing my goals so I'm going to write this in my blog and set this to stone. I don't care if it takes me several years to achieve this but I'm determined to be able to reach this goal of mine.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">I think I generally eat well so I don't really need to change too much about my eating habits. I certainly need to drink more water though.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">I will not use horrible weather as an excuse to stop me anymore. If the weather's bad, I'll do something indoors to keep myself fit.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Anyway, I will start this exercise regime after I return from Malaysia on the 13th of February. That will be the day I will change my life for the better. Hopefully this one little exercise program can change my life in all aspects around.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Time finished: 23:38</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Mood: Determined</span></span>•°¤*(¯`°ƒåήğזє°´¯)*¤°•http://www.blogger.com/profile/12077627212740158711noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9005392227933451732.post-72216851243832526612011-01-10T12:45:00.006+10:302011-01-10T13:15:33.441+10:30Living up to Expectations<span style="color: rgb(51, 102, 255);font-size:100%;" ><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Time started: 11:45</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Place: My room (Darwin)</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Listening to: Monsoonal rain outside</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Weather: Monsoonal rain</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Mood: Useless</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I'm home in Darwin. Christmas was alright. New Year sucked. I worked.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Sometimes I wish my parents could read....I know that's a horrible thing to say...but I feel so pressured to help them out all the time and they don't even appreciate it.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"> Today I'm stressed because mum got her package of her central locking remote for her car which I helped her order. She screams at me after opening the package saying "YOU GOT THE WRONG ONE! IT'S NOT THE SAME!" Of course it's the same, it just doesn't have the side coverings because you're supposed to use the old existing one. I told her this and even showed her the model number....it's exactly the same. And she calls me a "stupid, smelly cunt" in Chinese in the process as per usual. Pardon my language...</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Later, she believes me for a while, but starts checking over it again with her half blindness. And screams at me again saying the numbers are not the same. I scream back to put her glasses on and stop assuming I'm stupid and useless.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"> Today she wanted me to help out my uncle to get him a washing machine because he's old and almost blind and deaf. The problem is, today is the last day I have to proof read Meiling's essay for college in the states. Mum's sister, my aunt, Meiling's mum, called her and cried about it worrying Meiling will fail so mum is also like "you have so much spare time! Teach Meiling English!" And so I told her I have to help Meiling today and she's like "You're so ungrateful, you just don't want to help your uncle!"</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"> I'm thinking wtf....Meiling has to hand in her essay like a couple of hours from now! It's pissing outside! She expects me to drive my uncle around all of Darwin in this weather without her freaking out?!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"> And then my dad calls while I'm helping Meiling, and it's just to ask if I can help him buy model cars on ebay!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"> I spent 9 hours 2 days ago helping Meiling write her bloody essay and mum goes I'm not practicing piano....Then I practice piano and she's like I'm stopping her from watching tv....</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"> And last night I go out with friends and I was home before midnight and she complains that I'm enjoying myself too much with my friends and I got home far too late and it was the first time I've even seen them all holidays! My lift home was Erin. She expects my friends to jeopardise their time for me to get home early for mum? If that was what she wanted she could've at least let me drive there! What does she expect?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"> Also, I can't do Honours at uni because mum can't wait for me that long....I really wanted to do Honours....but I have to come home and work and support her because she can't read and she's broke and needs me to look after her...it's fair enough, she does need me, she is sick and stuff...but I'm just bloody sick of her stressing me out like it's the end of the world every 5 minutes and screaming at me calling me a stupid, smelly cunt in Chinese...</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">She blames her behaviour on menopause. Well I know plenty of other women out there going through menopause...and they don't scream at their daughter every five minutes over nothing and calling them horrible things...</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">One day dad called, and she picked up, and she immediately screamed at him "I'M SLEEPING, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT! YOU'RE A NUISANCE!"</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">And she wonders why dad chucked a hissy fit at her....</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">And it was 2pm, it wasn't like an unreasonable time for him to call...</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">My dad's not much better. He only calls me when he wants me to help him purchase model cars on ebay or when he needs something...nice to see you too, dad...</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">He comes to our home, using up my time, my computer, my internet, my paypal account for me to help him order some vintage Matchbox model car that only ships to the US. What's worse is he is using Levon to get the model car shipped to his PO box before forwarding the parcel to my dad...Levon...my boyfriend...using him...</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I get mad at dad and he accuses me of not wanting to help him...</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I tell mum that I want to visit Levon some time this year and that his parents really want to meet me and I want to meet them and she goes "you enjoy life too much, you should focus on uni..."</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">And I'm like "Well if you want Levon in my future then you should let me visit him instead of making us see us once every two years!"</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">You know...life would just be a lot better if my parents knew how to read...either that or I had a couple of other siblings to share the weight on my shoulders...there's only so much stress I can handle.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I'm not perfect but I'm most certainly not a "stupid smelly cunt" as my mother would always call me when I don't quite make it up to her standards. I know I'm wrong a lot of the time but that never gave her the right to put me down like this. I happen to have feelings in case she didn't notice...I would happily help her out with everything if she didn't complain so much. It's not that much to ask...</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Time finished: 12:12</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Listening to: the clicking of the fan</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Mood: Teary</span></span>•°¤*(¯`°ƒåήğזє°´¯)*¤°•http://www.blogger.com/profile/12077627212740158711noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9005392227933451732.post-84573603404384727052010-11-07T00:25:00.002+10:302010-11-07T01:33:00.744+10:30Separation Anxiety<span style="font-family: trebuchet ms; color: rgb(51, 102, 255);">Time started: 01:29</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms; color: rgb(51, 102, 255);">Place: My room (Wattle Park)</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms; color: rgb(51, 102, 255);">Listening to: Nothing</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms; color: rgb(51, 102, 255);">Weather: Warm</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms; color: rgb(51, 102, 255);">Mood: Yearning</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms; color: rgb(51, 102, 255);">I try not to cry...but I miss him so much.</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms; color: rgb(51, 102, 255);">I'm scared this isn't going to work...</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms; color: rgb(51, 102, 255);">God, please help me :(.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms; color: rgb(51, 102, 255);">Time finished: 01:31</span>•°¤*(¯`°ƒåήğזє°´¯)*¤°•http://www.blogger.com/profile/12077627212740158711noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9005392227933451732.post-46688004181649576202010-11-01T00:34:00.005+10:302010-11-01T01:13:24.821+10:30Where Has the Year Gone?<span style="color: rgb(51, 102, 255);font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Time started: 00:34</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Place: My room (Wattle Park)</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Listening to: The clock ticking</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Weather: Cold but fine</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Mood: Stressed</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Is it really the first of November already? Where has this year gone? What have I done?</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I can't even play any of my pieces in my program for my technical exam yet...and I've had these pieces all year!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I don't know what is wrong with me. It's like my short term memory for learning doesn't exist.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I would practise for hours and hours every day and when I think I've nailed something by the end of the night (I can play a section with my eyes closed) I forget it the next day, and I'm learning from scratch again...it's really frustrating!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">There are only 15 days til the date I was scheduled to do my exam but it seems that I will have to resort to yet again another medical supplementary exam...this is really not what I want...</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I just don't understand why I can't do this...it's not like I'm not trying. Yes, there are days when I slack off, but doesn't everyone have those days? I practise my arse off almost every day...and I've had these pieces for the whole darn year...I've even taken up Bikram yoga to help me get back into better health but it doesn't seem to be working. I don't know what to do...this chronic fatigue syndrome is stopping me from doing so much...</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed but I'm not exactly retarded either...I don't get why I can't learn like everyone else. Yes, I'm a little on the slow side but no progress? Really?! What the hell is wrong with me?!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Lucinda thinks I need to take a year of absence and do single studies for a year to regain my health....put my studies on halt again? Like doing 3rd year over 2 years isn't enough of a breeze for me?! I'm going to be 23 next year...23 without a degree. 24 going 25 by the time I graduate...taking a leave of absence is definitely not on my mind! I need to get out of university with a degree and make a living...I can't be a student forever. I need to start on my future NOW! As soon as I can if I want a better chance with being with Levon...</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Speaking of Levon, he has been so busy lately. I hardly get to talk to him. It's like our relationship isn't the same anymore. I know it's something neither of us could help...we both have so much to do in our own lives but I hate how we're both so separate now and not just in terms of distance. I know I do talk to him almost every day but it's always the same every day...we say hi, we do cutesy emoticons and emote actions like *huggles* and *snuggles* and *kisses* and *smooches* and all those disgusting cheesy stuff that you'd expect from Care Bears or Barney. We exchange I love yous every day. It seems beautiful and perfect, right? I don't see it that way. It's like I don't know him. I don't know about his day. I don't know the things that make him happy or frustrates him. I don't know where our relationship is going...at the moment it just seems to be obliviously running around in circles, like a goldfish circling around the fishbowl...</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Let's face it. Even though we've been together almost two years and still love each other to death we hardly know each other. We can't experience the joys and pains the same way most couples do. We don't have that opportunity to argue or grow together. To a small degree we can through conversation but it's just not the same. This scares me every day...we're blinded by distance and act purely on feelings alone.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I guess I long for something different in our relationship. It's just that every day it's the same and what's the point? It would just be nice if he'd tell me about his day or his random fleeting thoughts. When I tell him about mine he always reacts the same way like he's avoiding a discussion. It's just a *hugs* or a *pounce* like he's not listening...he often doesn't know what to say...I probably also long some kind of a plan for him. He's just taking things as they go and it's not really enough for me...I need to know what's going on. I need some kind of a direction from him...I don't care whatever the hell it is, it can be anything...I just need something...I can't just hang on for years waiting for something to happen...</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">*Sigh* I don't know...I'm just not a go with a flow kind of person...</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I'm not very assertive either so it's not fair on him if he has no idea what I want. I don't tell him. I guess that's the same with him. He doesn't tell me either. We're both just stuck in limbo pretending that we're happy...</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Anyway...I better start being happy so I can focus on my exams and get them over and done with...life would be so much better after I get this damn degree...</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Time finished: 01:06</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Mood: Tired...</span></span>•°¤*(¯`°ƒåήğזє°´¯)*¤°•http://www.blogger.com/profile/12077627212740158711noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9005392227933451732.post-17827405847975347172010-10-06T02:53:00.004+10:302010-10-06T03:14:41.779+10:30Toss and Turn<span style="color: rgb(51, 102, 255);"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Time started: 02:54<br />Place: My room (Wattle Park)<br />Listening to: Silence<br />Mood: Restless<br /><br />My daily routine is worrying about not having enough time.<br />Not having enough time to practise and learn all my pieces, to sleep, or do things that keep me sane.<br /><br />It's ironic that I keep myself awake to give myself more time, yet the efficiency of my performance is decreased dramatically. Not surprising at the least.<br /><br />So what is the balance? I'm struggling to find it. I'm feeling the unhealthy lethargic phase again. I took up Bikram yoga, and I love it. So far it's not helping though. I just end up feeling more tired...<br /><br />Why am I tired? I've tried praying. I eat well. I'm thinking more rationally while I'm stressing about studies, I don't know...<br /><br />I'm just so burned out.<br /><br />I went to bed at 9pm because I was unable to keep myself awake any longer. I woke up at midnight and was not happy about that because I was hoping to have refreshing sleep til 6 or 7 to practise in the morning before my first piano lesson for this term. I tossed and turned in bed til 2am. It is now 3am and here I am updating this blog with another depressing, negative entry.<br /><br />There are some positives in my life though. I've been hanging out with Matthew and Kenan a lot. We'd often be at Matt's place baking cakes, watching movies, acting in the most bizarre and immature way possible. They've given me many memories to look back upon for my university life. These memories will definitely override the stress and torment I've had studying the piano.<br /><br />I can't wait til the end. I've worked so far for it. Life will be kind to me after all this hard work. It will pay off. I need this motivation to get me through. All this will be worth it in the end.<br /><br />Time finished: 03:12<br />Mood: A little more fired up<br /></span></span></span>•°¤*(¯`°ƒåήğזє°´¯)*¤°•http://www.blogger.com/profile/12077627212740158711noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9005392227933451732.post-36051729670047361812010-09-15T04:14:00.004+09:302010-09-15T05:10:21.566+09:30For Kenan<span style="color: rgb(51, 102, 255);font-size:100%;" ><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Time started: 04:45</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Place: My room (Wattle Park, Adelaide)</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Mood: Worried</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">For my beloved friend, Kenan whom I love dearly,</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">I am sad that you are going through so much crap right now. For someone as happy and strong-minded as you, it pains me to see you so go through all this and be affected by the negatives in life to the point of an emotional wreck.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">For all the times you have been there for me in a heartbeat, it pains me that I am unable to do the same. All I can do is sit here in my room praying that you'll be all right and write you a silly little blog entry dedicated to you...</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">However, it goes without saying how much you mean to me. In the very short time we have gotten to know each other, I've discovered what a beautiful person you are. You have already become one of my best friends and an important person in my life. Your kindness, love, sentiment and compassion for others is astounding and knows no bounds and it amazes me how much you dedicate yourself for others. You've also given me so many memories to look back and laugh upon.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">I can only hope that one day I and others will be able to do the same for you.</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Life is short, and complicated. Life will always have turn of events that will bring you to tears. It isn't fair for you to be strong for others all the time, neither is it possible. The greatest pain is knowing when someone you love is hurting and not knowing what to do to help. I know that this kind of pain affects you everyday. It pains me to see you hurting too. Please, if you ever need a shoulder to cry on, someone to scream at, someone to show your instability side to because you can no longer hide it, I can be that friend you need. In fact, I want to be that friend you need because someone as special as you needs a little help from a friend, especially after all that you've done for me.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">So Kenan, htfu! I don't care! Just kidding...you know I do. I care so much that it keeps me up at night.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">God has been very kind to me allowing me the course of fate running into you and making you my friend. You really are a blessing. I love you, Kenan!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">May our adventures of random food runs, mischief, and double scissors continue endlessly :).</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Love always,</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Min</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Time finished: 05:05</span></span>•°¤*(¯`°ƒåήğזє°´¯)*¤°•http://www.blogger.com/profile/12077627212740158711noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9005392227933451732.post-561909542065316832010-08-27T23:50:00.003+09:302010-08-28T00:00:15.823+09:30I Don't Ever Learn...<span style="font-family: trebuchet ms; color: rgb(51, 102, 255);">Time started: 23:52</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms; color: rgb(51, 102, 255);">Place: My room (Wattle Park, Adelaide)</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms; color: rgb(51, 102, 255);">Weather: Cold</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms; color: rgb(51, 102, 255);">Mood: Worried</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms; color: rgb(51, 102, 255);">I have a bad track record of losing my things...</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms; color: rgb(51, 102, 255);">Last night I was practising in the cello room at uni and I think I've left my wallet there.</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms; color: rgb(51, 102, 255);">I searched for it all day...</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms; color: rgb(51, 102, 255);">I can use the excuse that I was severely sleep deprived and it was past midnight but I know that it's only because I'm the biggest, careless, hopeless, clutsiest person ever...</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms; color: rgb(51, 102, 255);">I pray my wallet will turn up soon...that's wishful thinking though...</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms; color: rgb(51, 102, 255);">When will I ever learn to look after my things?!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms; color: rgb(51, 102, 255);">Time finished: 23:58</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms; color: rgb(51, 102, 255);">Mood: Depressed...</span>•°¤*(¯`°ƒåήğזє°´¯)*¤°•http://www.blogger.com/profile/12077627212740158711noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9005392227933451732.post-68025880861763981872010-08-24T23:15:00.003+09:302010-08-24T23:20:39.251+09:30An Emotional Ritual<span style="color: rgb(51, 102, 255);font-size:100%;" ><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Time started: 23:15</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Place: My room (Wattle Park, Adelaide)</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Listening to: Nothing</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Weather: Cold and rainy</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Mood: Lonely</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">I was meant to go to sleep two hours ago. I stayed up to watch a couple of movies instead.</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Now I have come to the terms that I'm just not settling to go to sleep.</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">I have a 10am start tomorrow, and university doesn't finish til 9:30pm for me. Wednesdays suck...</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Laying here missing you sucks more.</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">No matter how tired or busy I am, I can't stop missing you.</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Feeling sad and alone has become an emotional ritual for me every night before I sleep...that can't be good for me...</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Time finished: 23:14</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Mood: Tired</span></span>•°¤*(¯`°ƒåήğזє°´¯)*¤°•http://www.blogger.com/profile/12077627212740158711noreply@blogger.com0