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Friday, August 27, 2010

I Don't Ever Learn...

Time started: 23:52
Place: My room (Wattle Park, Adelaide)
Weather: Cold
Mood: Worried

I have a bad track record of losing my things...
Last night I was practising in the cello room at uni and I think I've left my wallet there.
I searched for it all day...
I can use the excuse that I was severely sleep deprived and it was past midnight but I know that it's only because I'm the biggest, careless, hopeless, clutsiest person ever...
I pray my wallet will turn up soon...that's wishful thinking though...

When will I ever learn to look after my things?!

Time finished: 23:58
Mood: Depressed...

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

An Emotional Ritual

Time started: 23:15
Place: My room (Wattle Park, Adelaide)
Listening to: Nothing
Weather: Cold and rainy
Mood: Lonely

I was meant to go to sleep two hours ago. I stayed up to watch a couple of movies instead.
Now I have come to the terms that I'm just not settling to go to sleep.
I have a 10am start tomorrow, and university doesn't finish til 9:30pm for me. Wednesdays suck...
Laying here missing you sucks more.
No matter how tired or busy I am, I can't stop missing you.
Feeling sad and alone has become an emotional ritual for me every night before I sleep...that can't be good for me...

Time finished: 23:14
Mood: Tired


Time started: 03:56
Place: My room (Wattle Park, Adelaide)
Listening to: "Trigga Hiccups" - Menomena
Weather: Cold
Mood: Placid

I'm up at almost 4 o'clock listening to Menomena who I haven't really been listening to intently for a while (or even at all). I've always been in love with their songs "Wet & Rusting" and "My, My" but I never really paid much attention to their other songs.
After listening to both their albums in playing order, I've discovered how they put intricate details in their melody, harmony, and lyrics with the very simple arrangements of the drums, bass, piano, vocals, and the baritone saxaphone (quite a strange ensemble of instruments for an indie-rock band...). Though it may seem pretty boring and mundane at first listen, I've discovered their music can heighten the senses and produce some intensity stirred up inside a listener. Maybe I've just reached the level of the third plane of active listening that Aaron Copland famously models. I now understand not only the timbre and emotion that the music evokes, but I also understand the complete structure of it all and I can not learn to appreciate many forms of music.


Or it could just because I haven't listened to Menomena for a really long time so it all seems new again. But yeah, their music is great :).

Time finished: 04:02
Listening to: "West" - Menomena
Weather: Cold
Mood: Placid

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Oil and Water

Time started: 22:52
Place: My room (Wattle Park)
Listening to: The dog trudging somewhere around the house
Weather: Cold
Mood: Anxious

No matter how good my intentions were to wake up early to practise on the piano all day today, it just hasn't come to play.
In the morning, since it was a sunny day (which are very rare in Adelaide at this time of the year) I did my laundry. That probably took the whole morning.
In the afternoon, Irene asks me to help her with her Maths homework. I go upstairs and help her out but we get distracted by a deck of Uno cards...
I managed to do two hours of piano practise when Irene went to badminton, but I suddenly got tired and dreary and dinner had to be made.
So I made dinner which probably took over an hour (given that someone with a shocking immune system such as myself needs to have healthy meals). Then there's eating and doing the dishes...
Then Irene comes down again and asks for help with homework so I help her out again.
By the time this is done, it is 10:30pm...not really a good time to be bashing around the piano repetitively with other people in the house and neighbours around...

I am quite far behind learning my program. I won't say I will fail, but I am definitely not as prepared as I should be...the anxiety will continue to grow if life persists like this...

So...yeah...trying to practise 6 hours a day is possible, but it's very hard, especially if you want to stay a sane human being...
Piano practise and life is like oil and water. They just don't mix...

Time finished: 23:02
Listening to: Nothing
Mood: Drained

Friday, August 20, 2010

Life is a Rollercoaster

Time started: 19:10
Place: My room (Wattle Park, Adelaide)
Listening to: The rain outside, and the television campaigning the election tomorrow
Weather: Wet and dreary
Mood: Lethargic and unmotivated

"What goes up, must come down..." as the wise old Albert Einstein once said.

I've had my up of the holidays, seeing Levon again, spending time with family and friends, and having a positive start to the semester with productive and confident practise.

And now I'm at a low. Still sick with a 2 month cold, bones and muscles aching, failing to adapt to the cold, wet weather of Adelaide...I am feeling very unmotivated to practise. The past couple of days I've been really sluggish, spending most of my time in bed sleeping for hours on end...all of it is unrefreshing.

Tension among people continues. Those around me are experiencing some of their greatest woes, stress, grief...everything negative imagineable. You name it...
My mother called me quite recently telling me that my 100 year old grandfather fell down the stairs in Malaysia and is currently in a critical condition.
I want to go back to Malaysia. My aunt from the US whom I have not seen for 12 years is finally returning and taking Mei Ling with her back to the states. University is in the way...
All this is getting to me and I often find myself depressed while I'm alone. I occupy my thoughts with unhappiness and it paralyses me. It weighs me down, and I am unable to move.
I find solace in talking to my family and friends, but even they seem to be so far from reach.

I need to get on with my life. This is ridiculous. Why is everything stopping me from doing what I need to do? It's in the norm for even some of the strongest and happiest of people to experience some downs in their life...

I'm looking forward to my next up in life, whenever that may be...

It's ironic how it's life that's always in the way of living life...

Time finished: 19:22
Listening to: Random conversations on TV
Mood: Zombiefied

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

To My Friends

Time started: 22:56
Place: My room (Wattle Park, Adelaide)
Listening to: My clock ticking
Mood: Loved

I just took a nice long, warm, shower and I haven't felt this good in days being sick and all. It made me think about how good certain people make me feel. Haha, that turned out kind of wrong, didn't needs to know how I feel while taking a shower xD.

So here's a testimonial to my friends who have done little things for me that did wonders to how I've been feeling. I've been really sick the past week and I've also been miserable missing Levon and some other "crap". You may not realise the little things that you do are all that matters...

Here's some friends worth honourable mentions for the past week or so:

Angie-pants: It was fun catching up with you in three different cities in a period of a month. It has been a while since we did things like this together. I'm glad you're still as bubbly and fun as ever. Thanks for showing Levon and I around in Melbourne in a period of an hour. And thanks for the random sms's that never fail to lift my spirits, even when I'm at my lowest.

Becky: You were great while I was down in Melbourne. You're still great now that I'm back in Adelaide. You understand the sadness I'm going through. Your concern for me is second to none. You've made me part of your family. You're a sweetheart and thanks for giving me the blessing of meeting our little nephew, little Liam! Thank you, Zombecca!

Bin Bin: Your constant messages, phone calls, and meetings just to see how I'm feeling, and the urgency to make me feel better is amazing. With the crap you have to go through yourself I can't imagine how you still have all that kindness just to be there for me at any chance you could. Your loyalty is astounding and your ability to listen has gotten me through.

KeKe: I'm touched by your persistence to be there for me even when I say I don't need it. Behind the crazy and bizarre things you do that frankly, make you look like a douche (no offense!), there is your ability to care (even when you say you don't) and your genuine compassion for others. I'm so glad that you've become such an important friend to me. I don't care how crazy you are, I'm proud to call you my friend.

Pey Pey: It's no surprise that you're listed here. You've been amazing over the years. I couldn't have dealt with this hard music course without you. You never hesitate to offer me a helping hand in all aspects of life. You had to go through so much of my sickness, my crying...everything, with so much concern. Thanks for the phone call just to see how I'm feeling and just for a chat. I'm sorry I'm worrying you with my absence. I will get better soon.

Rin Rin: My twin! I know you check up on me on msn whenever you suspect that I am in a low. You don't know how much a little "*heart*" or a "Hey" means to me. If only you'd stop being sick whenever I'm sick. We're both sick way too often. Please get better soon so we can continue having our routine hawt, vigorous buttsecks on the beach when we're both back in Darwin! *thrustthrustthrustthrustthrust!*

Tokyo-viking: Björn Björn! You're always up for a chat and that's all I need. You spread so much of your life, laughter, and love across the globe. You never put up with this sadness nonsense and do everything you could to eliminate it with your fun and playful nature. Thanks for your positive outlook in life. May you find what you're looking for in Japan!

And last, but not least...LeLe: After your three weeks of vacation with me, I cannot fathom why you still love me but I'm not going to complain. I'm sorry that you have to go back to heck loads of work...I hope you're coping okay. Your committment and dedication has moved me from one universe to another and is simply beyond my comprehension. I don't think I'd quite know what I'd be doing with my life without you. Now I have a direction because of all your love and support. Indescribeable is what you are to me. Calling you my other half would be an insult. You are my everything (you can all bag me out for being a wet lump of cheese, if you want...I don't care...), and for the squillionth time...I love you... *infinite hugs and kisses*

I tried to add a heart symbol at the end of each paragraph but html settings would't let me. LAME! Just envision a heart at the end of every paragraph yourself :P.

For anyone who I have not mentioned, please note that you are no less important to me than those I've mentioned. It's just that these guys have been wonderful over the past week and a half for me. I haven't forgotten about you.

Time finished: 23:48

Sunday, August 1, 2010


Time started: 21:04
Place: My room (Wattle Park, Adelaide)
Listening to: Clock ticking...
Weather: Cold enough for me to whine.
Mood: Lonely

I haven't updated this blog for 4 months...
Here's a brief update:
I've moved out in April and I'm loving my new place. The family I live with is lovely too.
I had my 22nd birthday. I can't remember what I did to celebrate...nothing much.
Last semester was the hardest semester I've ever encountered in my tertiary educational life...but I got through it, barely.
Levon came to visit me for three weeks last month. They were the happiest and most natural three weeks of my life.

Well it's been a week since I said goodbye to him and since I've arrived back to Adelaide to continue with uni.
I'm alone in my room, missing Darwin, missing my parents, missing my friends, missing him...and I've realised that the ticking of the clock is the loneliest sound in the world. It is reminding me of all the spaces between. It is reminding me how long it has much further away those times have been...and how much longer it will be...
I'm feeling a bit empty right now. Uni and uni friends are keeping me going, helping the time pass by, but I still can't help feeling really lonely and empty inside. I'm relying on the ticking of the clock to motivate me...
I have no problem picking my spirits up when I'm with my friends but when I come home to a room with an unmade bed, overloaded laundry basket, a piano with sheet music sprawled all over, and the deafening silence accompanied by the dead-pan, mechanical ticking of the clock...I can't help but feel I'm alone again and I start missing the most important people, places, and things in my life.

I don't even want to think about how many more seconds it will be til I feel alive again...

Time finished: 21:22