Separation Anxiety

Time started: 01:29
Place: My room (Wattle Park)
Listening to: Nothing
Weather: Warm
Mood: Yearning

I try not to cry...but I miss him so much.
I'm scared this isn't going to work...

God, please help me :(.

Time finished: 01:31

Where Has the Year Gone?

Time started: 00:34
Place: My room (Wattle Park)
Listening to: The clock ticking
Weather: Cold but fine
Mood: Stressed

Is it really the first of November already? Where has this year gone? What have I done?
I can't even play any of my pieces in my program for my technical exam yet...and I've had these pieces all year!

I don't know what is wrong with me. It's like my short term memory for learning doesn't exist.
I would practise for hours and hours every day and when I think I've nailed something by the end of the night (I can play a section with my eyes closed) I forget it the next day, and I'm learning from scratch again...it's really frustrating!

There are only 15 days til the date I was scheduled to do my exam but it seems that I will have to resort to yet again another medical supplementary exam...this is really not what I want...

I just don't understand why I can't do this...it's not like I'm not trying. Yes, there are days when I slack off, but doesn't everyone have those days? I practise my arse off almost every day...and I've had these pieces for the whole darn year...I've even taken up Bikram yoga to help me get back into better health but it doesn't seem to be working. I don't know what to do...this chronic fatigue syndrome is stopping me from doing so much...

I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed but I'm not exactly retarded either...I don't get why I can't learn like everyone else. Yes, I'm a little on the slow side but no progress? Really?! What the hell is wrong with me?!

Lucinda thinks I need to take a year of absence and do single studies for a year to regain my health....put my studies on halt again? Like doing 3rd year over 2 years isn't enough of a breeze for me?! I'm going to be 23 next year...23 without a degree. 24 going 25 by the time I graduate...taking a leave of absence is definitely not on my mind! I need to get out of university with a degree and make a living...I can't be a student forever. I need to start on my future NOW! As soon as I can if I want a better chance with being with Levon...

Speaking of Levon, he has been so busy lately. I hardly get to talk to him. It's like our relationship isn't the same anymore. I know it's something neither of us could help...we both have so much to do in our own lives but I hate how we're both so separate now and not just in terms of distance. I know I do talk to him almost every day but it's always the same every day...we say hi, we do cutesy emoticons and emote actions like *huggles* and *snuggles* and *kisses* and *smooches* and all those disgusting cheesy stuff that you'd expect from Care Bears or Barney. We exchange I love yous every day. It seems beautiful and perfect, right? I don't see it that way. It's like I don't know him. I don't know about his day. I don't know the things that make him happy or frustrates him. I don't know where our relationship is going...at the moment it just seems to be obliviously running around in circles, like a goldfish circling around the fishbowl...
Let's face it. Even though we've been together almost two years and still love each other to death we hardly know each other. We can't experience the joys and pains the same way most couples do. We don't have that opportunity to argue or grow together. To a small degree we can through conversation but it's just not the same. This scares me every day...we're blinded by distance and act purely on feelings alone.
I guess I long for something different in our relationship. It's just that every day it's the same and what's the point? It would just be nice if he'd tell me about his day or his random fleeting thoughts. When I tell him about mine he always reacts the same way like he's avoiding a discussion. It's just a *hugs* or a *pounce* like he's not listening...he often doesn't know what to say...I probably also long some kind of a plan for him. He's just taking things as they go and it's not really enough for me...I need to know what's going on. I need some kind of a direction from him...I don't care whatever the hell it is, it can be anything...I just need something...I can't just hang on for years waiting for something to happen...

*Sigh* I don't know...I'm just not a go with a flow kind of person...
I'm not very assertive either so it's not fair on him if he has no idea what I want. I don't tell him. I guess that's the same with him. He doesn't tell me either. We're both just stuck in limbo pretending that we're happy...

Anyway...I better start being happy so I can focus on my exams and get them over and done with...life would be so much better after I get this damn degree...

Time finished: 01:06
Mood: Tired...

Toss and Turn

Time started: 02:54
Place: My room (Wattle Park)
Listening to: Silence
Mood: Restless

My daily routine is worrying about not having enough time.
Not having enough time to practise and learn all my pieces, to sleep, or do things that keep me sane.

It's ironic that I keep myself awake to give myself more time, yet the efficiency of my performance is decreased dramatically. Not surprising at the least.

So what is the balance? I'm struggling to find it. I'm feeling the unhealthy lethargic phase again. I took up Bikram yoga, and I love it. So far it's not helping though. I just end up feeling more tired...

Why am I tired? I've tried praying. I eat well. I'm thinking more rationally while I'm stressing about studies, I don't know...

I'm just so burned out.

I went to bed at 9pm because I was unable to keep myself awake any longer. I woke up at midnight and was not happy about that because I was hoping to have refreshing sleep til 6 or 7 to practise in the morning before my first piano lesson for this term. I tossed and turned in bed til 2am. It is now 3am and here I am updating this blog with another depressing, negative entry.

There are some positives in my life though. I've been hanging out with Matthew and Kenan a lot. We'd often be at Matt's place baking cakes, watching movies, acting in the most bizarre and immature way possible. They've given me many memories to look back upon for my university life. These memories will definitely override the stress and torment I've had studying the piano.

I can't wait til the end. I've worked so far for it. Life will be kind to me after all this hard work. It will pay off. I need this motivation to get me through. All this will be worth it in the end.

Time finished: 03:12
Mood: A little more fired up

For Kenan

Time started: 04:45
Place: My room (Wattle Park, Adelaide)
Mood: Worried

For my beloved friend, Kenan whom I love dearly,

I am sad that you are going through so much crap right now. For someone as happy and strong-minded as you, it pains me to see you so go through all this and be affected by the negatives in life to the point of an emotional wreck.

For all the times you have been there for me in a heartbeat, it pains me that I am unable to do the same. All I can do is sit here in my room praying that you'll be all right and write you a silly little blog entry dedicated to you...

However, it goes without saying how much you mean to me. In the very short time we have gotten to know each other, I've discovered what a beautiful person you are. You have already become one of my best friends and an important person in my life. Your kindness, love, sentiment and compassion for others is astounding and knows no bounds and it amazes me how much you dedicate yourself for others. You've also given me so many memories to look back and laugh upon.

I can only hope that one day I and others will be able to do the same for you.
Life is short, and complicated. Life will always have turn of events that will bring you to tears. It isn't fair for you to be strong for others all the time, neither is it possible. The greatest pain is knowing when someone you love is hurting and not knowing what to do to help. I know that this kind of pain affects you everyday. It pains me to see you hurting too. Please, if you ever need a shoulder to cry on, someone to scream at, someone to show your instability side to because you can no longer hide it, I can be that friend you need. In fact, I want to be that friend you need because someone as special as you needs a little help from a friend, especially after all that you've done for me.

So Kenan, htfu! I don't care! Just kidding...you know I do. I care so much that it keeps me up at night.

God has been very kind to me allowing me the course of fate running into you and making you my friend. You really are a blessing. I love you, Kenan!

May our adventures of random food runs, mischief, and double scissors continue endlessly :).

Love always,
Min

Time finished: 05:05

I Don't Ever Learn...

Time started: 23:52
Place: My room (Wattle Park, Adelaide)
Weather: Cold
Mood: Worried

I have a bad track record of losing my things...
Last night I was practising in the cello room at uni and I think I've left my wallet there.
I searched for it all day...
I can use the excuse that I was severely sleep deprived and it was past midnight but I know that it's only because I'm the biggest, careless, hopeless, clutsiest person ever...
I pray my wallet will turn up soon...that's wishful thinking though...

When will I ever learn to look after my things?!

Time finished: 23:58
Mood: Depressed...

An Emotional Ritual

Time started: 23:15
Place: My room (Wattle Park, Adelaide)
Listening to: Nothing
Weather: Cold and rainy
Mood: Lonely

I was meant to go to sleep two hours ago. I stayed up to watch a couple of movies instead.
Now I have come to the terms that I'm just not settling to go to sleep.
I have a 10am start tomorrow, and university doesn't finish til 9:30pm for me. Wednesdays suck...
Laying here missing you sucks more.
No matter how tired or busy I am, I can't stop missing you.
Feeling sad and alone has become an emotional ritual for me every night before I sleep...that can't be good for me...

Time finished: 23:14
Mood: Tired

Menomena

Time started: 03:56
Place: My room (Wattle Park, Adelaide)
Listening to: "Trigga Hiccups" - Menomena
Weather: Cold
Mood: Placid

I'm up at almost 4 o'clock listening to Menomena who I haven't really been listening to intently for a while (or even at all). I've always been in love with their songs "Wet & Rusting" and "My, My" but I never really paid much attention to their other songs.
After listening to both their albums in playing order, I've discovered how they put intricate details in their melody, harmony, and lyrics with the very simple arrangements of the drums, bass, piano, vocals, and the baritone saxaphone (quite a strange ensemble of instruments for an indie-rock band...). Though it may seem pretty boring and mundane at first listen, I've discovered their music can heighten the senses and produce some intensity stirred up inside a listener. Maybe I've just reached the level of the third plane of active listening that Aaron Copland famously models. I now understand not only the timbre and emotion that the music evokes, but I also understand the complete structure of it all and I can not learn to appreciate many forms of music.

*Shrugs*

Or it could just because I haven't listened to Menomena for a really long time so it all seems new again. But yeah, their music is great :).

Time finished: 04:02
Listening to: "West" - Menomena
Weather: Cold
Mood: Placid

Oil and Water

Time started: 22:52
Place: My room (Wattle Park)
Listening to: The dog trudging somewhere around the house
Weather: Cold
Mood: Anxious

No matter how good my intentions were to wake up early to practise on the piano all day today, it just hasn't come to play.
In the morning, since it was a sunny day (which are very rare in Adelaide at this time of the year) I did my laundry. That probably took the whole morning.
In the afternoon, Irene asks me to help her with her Maths homework. I go upstairs and help her out but we get distracted by a deck of Uno cards...
I managed to do two hours of piano practise when Irene went to badminton, but I suddenly got tired and dreary and dinner had to be made.
So I made dinner which probably took over an hour (given that someone with a shocking immune system such as myself needs to have healthy meals). Then there's eating and doing the dishes...
Then Irene comes down again and asks for help with homework so I help her out again.
By the time this is done, it is 10:30pm...not really a good time to be bashing around the piano repetitively with other people in the house and neighbours around...

I am quite far behind learning my program. I won't say I will fail, but I am definitely not as prepared as I should be...the anxiety will continue to grow if life persists like this...

So...yeah...trying to practise 6 hours a day is possible, but it's very hard, especially if you want to stay a sane human being...
Piano practise and life is like oil and water. They just don't mix...

Time finished: 23:02
Listening to: Nothing
Mood: Drained

Life is a Rollercoaster

Time started: 19:10
Place: My room (Wattle Park, Adelaide)
Listening to: The rain outside, and the television campaigning the election tomorrow
Weather: Wet and dreary
Mood: Lethargic and unmotivated

"What goes up, must come down..." as the wise old Albert Einstein once said.

I've had my up of the holidays, seeing Levon again, spending time with family and friends, and having a positive start to the semester with productive and confident practise.

And now I'm at a low. Still sick with a 2 month cold, bones and muscles aching, failing to adapt to the cold, wet weather of Adelaide...I am feeling very unmotivated to practise. The past couple of days I've been really sluggish, spending most of my time in bed sleeping for hours on end...all of it is unrefreshing.

Tension among people continues. Those around me are experiencing some of their greatest woes, stress, grief...everything negative imagineable. You name it...
My mother called me quite recently telling me that my 100 year old grandfather fell down the stairs in Malaysia and is currently in a critical condition.
I want to go back to Malaysia. My aunt from the US whom I have not seen for 12 years is finally returning and taking Mei Ling with her back to the states. University is in the way...
All this is getting to me and I often find myself depressed while I'm alone. I occupy my thoughts with unhappiness and it paralyses me. It weighs me down, and I am unable to move.
I find solace in talking to my family and friends, but even they seem to be so far from reach.

I need to get on with my life. This is ridiculous. Why is everything stopping me from doing what I need to do? It's in the norm for even some of the strongest and happiest of people to experience some downs in their life...

I'm looking forward to my next up in life, whenever that may be...

It's ironic how it's life that's always in the way of living life...

Time finished: 19:22
Listening to: Random conversations on TV
Mood: Zombiefied

To My Friends

Time started: 22:56
Place: My room (Wattle Park, Adelaide)
Listening to: My clock ticking
Mood: Loved

I just took a nice long, warm, shower and I haven't felt this good in days being sick and all. It made me think about how good certain people make me feel. Haha, that turned out kind of wrong, didn't it....no-one needs to know how I feel while taking a shower xD.

So here's a testimonial to my friends who have done little things for me that did wonders to how I've been feeling. I've been really sick the past week and I've also been miserable missing Levon and some other "crap". You may not realise the little things that you do are all that matters...

Here's some friends worth honourable mentions for the past week or so:

Angie-pants: It was fun catching up with you in three different cities in a period of a month. It has been a while since we did things like this together. I'm glad you're still as bubbly and fun as ever. Thanks for showing Levon and I around in Melbourne in a period of an hour. And thanks for the random sms's that never fail to lift my spirits, even when I'm at my lowest.

Becky: You were great while I was down in Melbourne. You're still great now that I'm back in Adelaide. You understand the sadness I'm going through. Your concern for me is second to none. You've made me part of your family. You're a sweetheart and thanks for giving me the blessing of meeting our little nephew, little Liam! Thank you, Zombecca!

Bin Bin: Your constant messages, phone calls, and meetings just to see how I'm feeling, and the urgency to make me feel better is amazing. With the crap you have to go through yourself I can't imagine how you still have all that kindness just to be there for me at any chance you could. Your loyalty is astounding and your ability to listen has gotten me through.

KeKe: I'm touched by your persistence to be there for me even when I say I don't need it. Behind the crazy and bizarre things you do that frankly, make you look like a douche (no offense!), there is your ability to care (even when you say you don't) and your genuine compassion for others. I'm so glad that you've become such an important friend to me. I don't care how crazy you are, I'm proud to call you my friend.

Pey Pey: It's no surprise that you're listed here. You've been amazing over the years. I couldn't have dealt with this hard music course without you. You never hesitate to offer me a helping hand in all aspects of life. You had to go through so much of my sickness, my crying...everything, with so much concern. Thanks for the phone call just to see how I'm feeling and just for a chat. I'm sorry I'm worrying you with my absence. I will get better soon.

Rin Rin: My twin! I know you check up on me on msn whenever you suspect that I am in a low. You don't know how much a little "*heart*" or a "Hey" means to me. If only you'd stop being sick whenever I'm sick. We're both sick way too often. Please get better soon so we can continue having our routine hawt, vigorous buttsecks on the beach when we're both back in Darwin! *thrustthrustthrustthrustthrust!*

Tokyo-viking: Björn Björn! You're always up for a chat and that's all I need. You spread so much of your life, laughter, and love across the globe. You never put up with this sadness nonsense and do everything you could to eliminate it with your fun and playful nature. Thanks for your positive outlook in life. May you find what you're looking for in Japan!

And last, but not least...LeLe: After your three weeks of vacation with me, I cannot fathom why you still love me but I'm not going to complain. I'm sorry that you have to go back to heck loads of work...I hope you're coping okay. Your committment and dedication has moved me from one universe to another and is simply beyond my comprehension. I don't think I'd quite know what I'd be doing with my life without you. Now I have a direction because of all your love and support. Indescribeable is what you are to me. Calling you my other half would be an insult. You are my everything (you can all bag me out for being a wet lump of cheese, if you want...I don't care...), and for the squillionth time...I love you... *infinite hugs and kisses*

I tried to add a heart symbol at the end of each paragraph but html settings would't let me. LAME! Just envision a heart at the end of every paragraph yourself :P.

For anyone who I have not mentioned, please note that you are no less important to me than those I've mentioned. It's just that these guys have been wonderful over the past week and a half for me. I haven't forgotten about you.

Time finished: 23:48

Tick...tick...tick...tick...

Time started: 21:04
Place: My room (Wattle Park, Adelaide)
Listening to: Clock ticking...
Weather: Cold enough for me to whine.
Mood: Lonely

I haven't updated this blog for 4 months...
Here's a brief update:
I've moved out in April and I'm loving my new place. The family I live with is lovely too.
I had my 22nd birthday. I can't remember what I did to celebrate...nothing much.
Last semester was the hardest semester I've ever encountered in my tertiary educational life...but I got through it, barely.
Levon came to visit me for three weeks last month. They were the happiest and most natural three weeks of my life.

Well it's been a week since I said goodbye to him and since I've arrived back to Adelaide to continue with uni.
I'm alone in my room, missing Darwin, missing my parents, missing my friends, missing him...and I've realised that the ticking of the clock is the loneliest sound in the world. It is reminding me of all the spaces between. It is reminding me how long it has been...how much further away those times have been...and how much longer it will be...
I'm feeling a bit empty right now. Uni and uni friends are keeping me going, helping the time pass by, but I still can't help feeling really lonely and empty inside. I'm relying on the ticking of the clock to motivate me...
I have no problem picking my spirits up when I'm with my friends but when I come home to a room with an unmade bed, overloaded laundry basket, a piano with sheet music sprawled all over, and the deafening silence accompanied by the dead-pan, mechanical ticking of the clock...I can't help but feel I'm alone again and I start missing the most important people, places, and things in my life.

Tick...tick...tick...
I don't even want to think about how many more seconds it will be til I feel alive again...

Time finished: 21:22

*Smiles*

Time started: 21:26
Place: My room (Brahma Lodge, Adelaide)
Listening to: "Good to Sea" - Pinback
Weather: Humid and breezy
Mood: All smiles :)

I was struggling with life towards the end of last year. Financial and health problems went completely down the drain. I was on the verge of insanity.
Now things are changing. After working my arse off during the summer holidays with three jobs (doing almost double full time) I've saved up enough to get by and help my parents out. I've also found a new place to move out.

From now on I will be living in Wattle Park with a very nice family where I have the underground compartment of their mansion all to myself :). I will also be able to practise on the piano as much as I want without having to worry about pestering anybody around me. They just wanted to help me out after what I've gone through. When I went to their place last night for dinner I couldn't help but cry with tears of joy. I was overwhelmed with their friendliness and my very sudden change in luck. The landlady gave me a hug and said that she'd treat me like a daughter and I just cried some more. Not only is the place beautiful, but the neighbourhood is as well. I will get to do a lot of walking around and feeling at ease!

Now I can focus on getting back on track with life. I've been scraping through with uni, making all ends meet and going from high distinctions to barely passing. Now I can finally enjoy playing the piano like I used to and show that I actually do love music and I'm not just playing notes. Now I can go buy myself lunch when I'm out without having to worry about whether I'll have enough money to pay the rent. Now I don't have to spend the majority of my days trying to stay awake from lack of sleep and be on public transport to uni and back. And now I can reassure my mother that I am fine, and I also don't have to worry about her and her health since she is on her way to making a full recovery. The happiness and the peace of mind certainly helps.

My mother is down for three weeks because she has some medical check ups at the hospital and also to help me out a little with my moving out....oh yeah, and for a holiday of course. 90% of my packing is done so now we can just chillax in the last remaining days of what has been the place I've lived in Adelaide for nearly 4 years (that has caused me a lot of stress and grief but will miss it all the same).

To my two housemates who have lived with me the entire time, Jarrad and Ryan, I thank you both for your patience and gratitude of having me as a housemate. It was really an experience, both good and bad. I really will miss you guys even if you guys don't think so. Please keep in touch and if you won't, I will!

Another thing to look forward to (and it will be the highlight to my entire year): Levon is visiting me in July for three weeks. It's been over a year since I've seen him and the long wait of not having to miss each other (even if it's only for temporarily short period of time) will soon be over!

For those who are in similar situations to what I've been through before right now, and I am aware there are some of you out there...stick it out. Things will turn out soon. There are always people around you, friends, family, teachers, who are willing to help you as much as they can so don't give up hope! I know I've found my friends, family and teachers who I can depend on. They know who they are :). <3>

Time finished: 21:54
Listening to: "The Widow" - The Mars Volta
Mood: Lucky

Waiting

Time started: 21:27
Place: Living room (Adelaide)
Listening to: The television
Weather: Nippy
Mood: Indifferent

Waiting is one of the most unpleasant feelings. While you wait, you ponder. While you ponder, other uncertain feelings can arise. Doubt, inconfidence, anxiety...
Waiting can also increase anticipation, that can only increase the likelihood of disappointment in the end.

Waiting is time wasted. Dead time.

One of life's greatest miseries is waiting...

Time finished: 21:34
Listening to: Breeze
Mood: Unmotivated