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Wednesday, June 5, 2013


Time started: 23:29
Place: My room (Alawa)
Listening to: "Heart's a Mess" - Gotye
Mood: Depressed

It's been nearly a year since I've updated this blog. Over the last couple of years I've become more of an introvert that I just don't express my feelings any more. Not even in writing.

A lot has happened in the last 11 months.

Mum and I went on a trip to Bali and Lombok, Indonesia. We had an amazing time. The locals were amazing people and so was the scenery. It was amazing how the tribal villagers lived in such poverty yet they were the happiest people I've ever met. This leads on to the purpose of writing this ashamed I feel with myself...being so lucky...yet so unhappy...

In December, Levon came to visit me and he proposed to me during Christmas on Casuarina beach while watching a lightning storm. We are now engaged. It has made me extremely happy. We shared 6 wonderful weeks together. We went to Tasmania and had a great time. We knew more about each other and realised how happy we make each other, and how much we love each other. I also got offered a job at Darwin High as a music teacher which is what I am working as now.
I love my job. I love the school, and I love my colleagues and students. I feel like my life has more meaning and direction than it has ever been but why do I feel so depressed?

I have it so good. I have everything working for me in life and in love yet I feel like the worst person in existence. I feel so angry all the time. I am so angry at myself I take it out on other people...the people I love the most. This erratic behaviour is sucking me into the vicious cycle I started many years ago during high school and early years of university. They were the worst years of my life...

I'm not sure whether or not it is because my life is working out so fine, yet I don't feel like deserve any of it so I've resorted to hating myself to insanity...or I'm just insane. Can people just be insane? Is it a condition you are born with or does something happen along the way you are made that way? I don't know what it is but I want it to stop. I'm hurting the ones I love. I am trying to find solace in expressing my anger in writing and hopefully I will not so be erratic if I continue to do so...

Time finished: 23:39

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