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Monday, January 10, 2011

Living up to Expectations

Time started: 11:45
Place: My room (Darwin)
Listening to: Monsoonal rain outside
Weather: Monsoonal rain
Mood: Useless

I'm home in Darwin. Christmas was alright. New Year sucked. I worked.

Sometimes I wish my parents could read....I know that's a horrible thing to say...but I feel so pressured to help them out all the time and they don't even appreciate it.
Today I'm stressed because mum got her package of her central locking remote for her car which I helped her order. She screams at me after opening the package saying "YOU GOT THE WRONG ONE! IT'S NOT THE SAME!" Of course it's the same, it just doesn't have the side coverings because you're supposed to use the old existing one. I told her this and even showed her the model's exactly the same. And she calls me a "stupid, smelly cunt" in Chinese in the process as per usual. Pardon my language...
Later, she believes me for a while, but starts checking over it again with her half blindness. And screams at me again saying the numbers are not the same. I scream back to put her glasses on and stop assuming I'm stupid and useless.

Today she wanted me to help out my uncle to get him a washing machine because he's old and almost blind and deaf. The problem is, today is the last day I have to proof read Meiling's essay for college in the states. Mum's sister, my aunt, Meiling's mum, called her and cried about it worrying Meiling will fail so mum is also like "you have so much spare time! Teach Meiling English!" And so I told her I have to help Meiling today and she's like "You're so ungrateful, you just don't want to help your uncle!"
I'm thinking wtf....Meiling has to hand in her essay like a couple of hours from now! It's pissing outside! She expects me to drive my uncle around all of Darwin in this weather without her freaking out?!

And then my dad calls while I'm helping Meiling, and it's just to ask if I can help him buy model cars on ebay!

I spent 9 hours 2 days ago helping Meiling write her bloody essay and mum goes I'm not practicing piano....Then I practice piano and she's like I'm stopping her from watching tv....
And last night I go out with friends and I was home before midnight and she complains that I'm enjoying myself too much with my friends and I got home far too late and it was the first time I've even seen them all holidays! My lift home was Erin. She expects my friends to jeopardise their time for me to get home early for mum? If that was what she wanted she could've at least let me drive there! What does she expect?

Also, I can't do Honours at uni because mum can't wait for me that long....I really wanted to do Honours....but I have to come home and work and support her because she can't read and she's broke and needs me to look after's fair enough, she does need me, she is sick and stuff...but I'm just bloody sick of her stressing me out like it's the end of the world every 5 minutes and screaming at me calling me a stupid, smelly cunt in Chinese...

She blames her behaviour on menopause. Well I know plenty of other women out there going through menopause...and they don't scream at their daughter every five minutes over nothing and calling them horrible things...

One day dad called, and she picked up, and she immediately screamed at him "I'M SLEEPING, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT! YOU'RE A NUISANCE!"
And she wonders why dad chucked a hissy fit at her....
And it was 2pm, it wasn't like an unreasonable time for him to call...

My dad's not much better. He only calls me when he wants me to help him purchase model cars on ebay or when he needs something...nice to see you too, dad...

He comes to our home, using up my time, my computer, my internet, my paypal account for me to help him order some vintage Matchbox model car that only ships to the US. What's worse is he is using Levon to get the model car shipped to his PO box before forwarding the parcel to my boyfriend...using him...
I get mad at dad and he accuses me of not wanting to help him...

I tell mum that I want to visit Levon some time this year and that his parents really want to meet me and I want to meet them and she goes "you enjoy life too much, you should focus on uni..."
And I'm like "Well if you want Levon in my future then you should let me visit him instead of making us see us once every two years!"

You would just be a lot better if my parents knew how to read...either that or I had a couple of other siblings to share the weight on my shoulders...there's only so much stress I can handle.

I'm not perfect but I'm most certainly not a "stupid smelly cunt" as my mother would always call me when I don't quite make it up to her standards. I know I'm wrong a lot of the time but that never gave her the right to put me down like this. I happen to have feelings in case she didn't notice...I would happily help her out with everything if she didn't complain so much. It's not that much to ask...

Time finished: 12:12
Listening to: the clicking of the fan
Mood: Teary

1 comment:

  1. Hang in there. Glad to hear you had a nice Christmas. Sorry to hear that your New Year's sucked.

    Unfortunately family are like that. I don't know if it is right or wrong, I just know it happens. They expect you to drop everything to help them or their relative / friend. Juggling multiple commitments is quite difficult.

    Some advice regarding assisting others I usually ignore until breaking point (though time does make you wiser):
    *You can only give so much of yourself and if you don't give any of it to yourself, there is no you to give out to anyone else anymore. (if this is confusing, then think about the safety demonstration in the airplane with the gas masks (put on your own before saving others)
    * Give a people a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to fish and they know how to fish, inspire a person to fish and they will feed themselves for a lifetime.

    Regarding the reading thing, the only thing that jumps into my head is the reading / writing hotline 1300 6555 06

    Additionally don't forget that you are amazing and wonderful.