Spring Cleaning

Time started: 02:17

Place: My room (Wattle Park)

Listening to: "End of the World (Xilent Remix)" - Alex Metric ft. Charli XCX

Weather: Cold and windy

Mood: Exhausted

Spring is my least favourite season for multiple reasons:

1. Pollen - The devilish cause of my frequent multiple sneezes, itchy eyes, runny nose, and fatigue.

2. Weather - Bipolar in nature, it is hard to predict whether it will be sunny, windy, rainy, hot, cold, or in between. My body's thermostat just cannot cope with the sudden, contrasting, and extreme changes.

3. Cleaning - I never understood why this is the season to clean but everyone seems to clean at epic proportions during this time of year. Perhaps everyone is too lazy or cold to clean during Winter and mess piles up. I know this was the reason for me, anyway.

Well it took me two days just to clean my room. I am at fault for procrastinating for the majority of two of the days though. 284 sneezes later, my room is finally clean and tidy! I still haven't cleaned the kitchen yet and I still have to do the dishes and laundry!

Over the past few years I have developed very bad habits of being messy. I am going to have to correct these habits before I move back home to live with mum in Darwin because she has severe OCD. I much prefer being in a clean and tidy environment anyway (as I guess it would be the same for anyone, really).

I really should stop making such mundane entries...it's just too bad there's nothing interesting happening in my life right now. The next month or so will surely have improvements for the Interesting Radar...

Time finished: 02:29

Lance Dossor Prize

Time started: 01:28

Place: My room (Wattle Park)

Listening to: "Ondine" from Gaspard de la Nuit - Ravel

Weather: Cold
Mood: Dazed

I participated in a piano competition for the first time in over 6 years today.
I probably played the best I've ever played in front of people for a really long time.

I think I surprised a lot of people because I'm mostly catastrophic and a shaking dog on the stage and for the first time ever I actually had a lot of fun playing on the piano in front of Lucinda! It has been a long time since I've felt this way on stage.

I didn't win of course, I didn't expect to win but I never cared about winning. Today I played the best I could and that is a win for me.

I hope for my recital I will be at least 10 times better than I was today :).

Time finished: 01:35

Light Switch

Time started 05:42

Listening to: String Quartet no. 1 "City Streets" - Chris Larkin

Weather: Stormy

Mood: Hurt

It's scary how some people can just forget about you or dismiss you as quickly as a flick of a switch. The word "friends" is so easily tossed around these days. Are people really friends or is it just convenient to be social?

Time finished: 05:44

/fail.

Time started: 12:11

Place: My room (Wattle Park)

Weather: Fine

Mood: Lethargic

I've been sick and nauseous for a week. First time I've been sick with a cold or flu all year.

My phone has been "sick" for about a week too. Mum tried to call but she couldn't hear me at all from her end.
I've been having much difficulty receiving and sending text messages too. It's a pity...it's quite a good phone.

Oh well, I'll just keep it now as a spare. It still works really well as a modem.

I guess I now have an excuse to buy a new phone...which I did. So much for saving money this year...

I will soon be a new Crackberry owner.

I bought a Blackberry Bold 9780 unlocked and brand new on ebay for $260 including postage. This is the most I've ever spent on a phone and I sort of regret it because I'm not that rich. Pretty darn good considering Telstra's selling it for $750 and the rrp is like $999. I hope it's as good as the reviews have raved. I didn't want to join the bandwagon of having an iPhone 4. I like QWERTY keyboards anyway and this smartphone is designed to be a smartphone and not some well-marketed piece of crap. I've always been a Nokia user up til now but Nokia hasn't been making great phones lately. I'll give Blackberry a try. I've been messing with Levon's phone which is a Blackberry. I liked what I saw so far.

The review will come once I get it and use it :).

Time finished: 12:24

My American Adventure

Time started: 00:54

Place: My room, (Wattle Park)

Weather: Cold

Mood: Reminiscent

I came back from the United States a couple of weeks ago.

I was there for a month to visit Levon and meet his family. I had the time of my life.

His parents were so friendly to me. I felt like I was part of the family straight away!

Their home was beautiful. They lived on top of a hill at Pismo beach that overlooks both the mountains and the beach.

The time that Levon and I had was fun and very revealing with the fact that we are both definitely in love and compatible.

We had serious talks about how to progress our relationship. There's no doubt the next few years will be hard still being apart but we can see the end of the long distance relationship now. We're going to make it work.

USA is a pretty awesome country (but I've only been in California and Washington). However, Australia wins hands down for being a better country to live in.

I'll go through what I did in the States.

His parents took me to some of their favourite places to dine. My first impression on American food was they were overwhelmingly huge! Take away...or should I say "food to go" was a constant term used in post-dining out experiences.

Went skydiving with Levon and his mother. There's really nothing to be afraid of with Skydiving. It was the most amazing thing ever and the view was absolutely stunning! I'd definitely do it again and highly recommend it with EVERYONE!

Levon and I flew up to Washington to meet his extended family and friends. Washington is amazingly beautiful and green. I met his family up in Lacey and his friends in Olympia and Tumwater. I fell in love with his cousin, Daniel's Border Collie x Australian Shepherd named Mika. I spoke Cantonese to his aunt Maggie and his grandmother. It was a riveting experience. We watched a baseball game in Tacoma and went up the Space Needle and Pikes Markets in Seattle. It was a very inviting and laid back place. Besides the dismall weather, it was a wonderful place to be.

San Francisco is a colourful city in every sense of the word. It has colourful buildings, colourful culture, and the language they used was also colourful.

Yosemite Valley was more beautiful than I could imagine. We had an awesome tour guide named Karen who was genuinely very friendly and excited to be our tour guide. She knew what she was doing and she really wanted us to have a good time. It was nice meeting the other campers too. There were two Kiwis, a British family, and a fellow Australian. I took about 700 photos in the valley. The views were breath-taking. The hikes were hard but we did ourselves proud at the end (even though we were unable to walk without wincing in pain for a couple of days after).

Monterey & Carmel was probably beautiful if it wasn't for the appalling weather and tour guide. The tour guide loved the sound of his own voice and spoke of nothing of interest. He even described toilets...or should I say "restrooms".

We headed back to Pismo Beach just to relax from all the touring we did. I met a lot of his parents' friends for 4th of July and witnessed spectacular fireworks and the patriotism of American residents.

The last leg of my journey involved going back down to the LA area. We first went to Disneyland for 14 hours trying to do as much as we can. It was undoubtedly fun even though I didn't really have an interest to go in the first place. All the rides, shops, costumes were very finely done with an uncanny, exceptional attention to detail.

I met up with my friend Catherine who was an exchange student a couple of years ago. It was good to catch up with her. She showed me around Huntington Beach and the South Coast Shopping mall. We chatted and reminisced about Australia.

The last day involved seeing the Hollywood sign, walking the star walk down Hollywood Boulevard, and killing time in a bowling alley before my flight.

Levon and I held each other for an hour crying at the airport...

I stopped by in Melbourne before heading home to spend time with Rebecca and her family. It was good to see William all grown up. The last time I saw him (besides before going to the US) was about a year ago when he was just a few days old! It was so nice to spend time with the Colliers and just do fun things with them like baking, watching movies, playing Munchkin and going out to nice places for food.

I'm pretty sad to be back. Back to reality. Back to depressing Adelaide, and university.

If possible, I'd turn back time and re-live my month in the USA to be with Levon in a heartbeat...it sucks suddenly being alone and without him again...

I have the future to look forward to though, and now I just have pleasant memories and a couple of thousand photos. One thing is for certain...he is in my future and we love each other. I guess that's all that matters.

Time finished: 01:17

Mood: Content

The Truth Hurts

Time started: 23:08

Place: My dining room (Wattle Park, Adelaide)

Listening to: "Something About Us" - Daft Punk

Weather: Cold

Mood: Pondering

A discussion with an old friend of mine lead me to think about lies that people tell. He claims that knowing the truth is much better than not knowing and forever wondering but the look on his face has an interesting way of proving his point.

People take up their entire lives searching for the truth with a million questions:

- Does he/she feel the same way?

- Does this make me look fat?

- Am I really bad at doing this?

- Is there a God?

- What is my purpose in life?

- Is he/she the one?

- What do people really think of me?

- When/how will I die?

We ask these questions because we're searching for the truth...and often the truth is not something we want to hear, so why do we search for these answers if we're happier not knowing? What preparations can we actually make by knowing the truth?

I told a friend of mine a truth that I knew he did not want to hear yet he persisted on knowing and talked me into it saying it'll do him more good than harm, that I have to be cruel to be kind. So I did, which only lead to more unnerving questions. His face told me a story of nothing but hurt and regret as a response to my answer.

We've all been there before...searching for a truth, and disappointed with what we'd find. Are we really happier not knowing or being lied to? Do people really move on from a truth that pains them to the core? There are two kinds of people in these situations:

- People who build a bridge and get over it, or

- People who don't, walk through the rapid stream and plummet down the waterfall.

The truth hurts and it can either make you or break you. I'm finding myself more cynical with more painful truths. What's the point if there's nothing in it for you or others? So, ignorance is bliss or knowledge is power? How should one live their life? More questions...

I guess the best way is to think, with every crisis comes an opportunity.

However I'm yet to know what that opportunity is...

Time finished: 23:24

Dad

Time started: 02:42am

Place: My room (Wattle Park, Adelaide)

Weather: Cold

Mood: Melancholic

I just had a conversation with my uncle Fook Tow. I only got to know him a little in January/February during my trip in Malaysia. We had a long conversation about the importance of life, family, and my dad.

Bringing up the subject of my dad is always hard. I have so many mixed feelings towards him. There are parts of me who resent him for all the years of neglectful attitude towards me and the responsibilities and duties of being my father. There are parts of me where I'm embarrassed by him because he can never swallow his pride and he is a hard person to be around and deal with. But there's an even greater part of me that wants to reach out to him and provide him with the love and respect he has never received his entire life. I know that love and respect has to be earned, but no-one has ever given my dad a chance. It's no wonder he is such a bitter and defensive person. Growing up in a big family full of half-cast siblings of a different mother, being the only uneducated one out of him and his ten siblings, having severe dyslexia and never understanding why he can never progress, marrying a woman who's never loved him, and never get to see his only daughter who never really has much to say to him. He lives alone in a rented apartment in a village full of pensioners where he is surrounded by nothing but his collection of model cars. It never really dawned on me just how unhappy he really is.

I will never get to know the feeling of growing up with parents who love each other and have an unbroken marriage. I will never know the feeling of having a father who would teach me how to do things or point me in certain directions in life. I can ponder, wonder, and imagine all I like, but while I'm doing that, I have a father who is hurting more than anyone can see from the surface and probably needs his daughter's love more than anything in the world. I know I don't give him many chances or opportunities. I do try, but I know I don't try hard enough. If a little respect and love is all he needs to build him some self-esteem and happiness then I will provide him that because it's so much more simpler and so much more easier to forgive than remembering unhappy memories of the past and seeing the negatives.

I will give my dad a call tomorrow.

Time finished: 03:17

Bipolar

Time started: 18:19

Place: My room (Wattle Park, Adelaide)

Listening to: The clock ticking

Weather: Cold

Mood: Undecided

One minute I'm laughing, the next minute I'm crying.

One minute I'm excited, the next minute I'm unmotivated.

These ups and downs are wearing me out.

I need help of any form.

What do I want? What do I need? I don't know any more.

I'm split into two directions and neither is making me happy.

Someone just tell me what I'm supposed to do...

Whatever I say or do just never seems right.

I've never been so confused.

Time finished: 18:24

Hypocrisy

Time started: 00:09
Place: My room (Wattle Park)
Weather: Starting to get cold
Mood: Self-conscious

Have you ever realised how easy it is to pick on others' faults? The stuff we dislike about them? It is so easy to say horrible things about others but I wonder how many of us stop to think about the horrible things we say or do ourselves? Aren't we the same? It is so easy to see bad things in other people and we are blinded by the good things we believe to be in ourselves...
My faults are aplenty.
I'm struggling to see anything good about me right now, however. I've been reminded why I'm always so self-conscious.
I never want to practise in Elder Hall ever again. At least that's how I feel...

Time finished: 00:11

My Life is Full of Plain Bad Timing

Time started: 22:54
Place: My room (Wattle Park)
Listening to: Crickets chirping
Weather: A little nippy
Mood: Heartbroken

I spoke to Levon today who had to bear me with bad news.
Something important came up for him in November, the same month he was going to come visit for my final recital, but now he can't go.
Life sucks...but at least our lives are a million times better than those affected by the massive earthquake in Japan. My whole world still exists, at least...
It would've been nice to see him more than once this year but I guess our tradition of seeing each other only once a year lives on...

Time finished: 22:57

Being Overseas is so tiring...

Time started: 23:17
Place: My temporary room at my uncle's (Subang Jaya)
Listening to: The noise of the television downstairs.
Weather: Very warm.
Mood: Exhausted.

Being on vacation is meant to be a time for one to relax and recuperate but why do I feel so tired?
I think it's routine for people in Malaysia to wake up early, eat out, go shopping (or work all day and THEN go shopping), come home, go out to eat again, come home, go out to eat again, come home and watch movies until 2am then sleep for 3 hours and repeat. How do these people do it?! I'm exhausted! My migraines and signs of chronic fatigue are more evident here. I'm ready to drop dead. Don't get me wrong, I'm having a wonderful time with my family but I just don't have the energy to do this...and I've only been here for three days!

The food here is amazing though. So far since I arrived I've eaten Chinese Malay, Vietnamese, Cantonese, Szechuan, Indian and Japanese food. All of them are very authentic too and sublime to eat. I'm surprised with how bloated you'd actually feel with such small servings.

The family and I went out to this Japanese club at the city for dinner. The food and presentation was amazing...I had raw salmon and crab on top of sushi rice, chicken tempura sided with miso soup and some weird egg thing with random vegetables inside. It was soooo good. The restaurant was really cool. The walls were actual paper screens and there were bookshelves everywhere completely filled with manga. The waitresses were so friendly and had permanent smiles on their faces too (and no, they were Malay, not Japanese, but the chefs were all Japanese). We were the only ones (besides the waitresses) who weren't Japanese. It really felt like we were in Japan.

After dinner we went to visit distant relatives of mine and they have like a mansion worth twenty million. As soon as you step in through the gates you see eight cars parked outside (yes, I did say eight) and they were all brand new and were brands like Mercedes Benz, Audi, Alfa Romeo, Ben Lee, Volkswagen, BMW, Peugeot, and Porsche. My jaw dropped immediately...these cars would've cost at least a million or two each (in Malaysia the tax on cars is ridiculous, something like 300%). Then I step into the house and the living room is at least the size of a standard house and is about 20m tall! They had a giant Christmas tree in the middle (only it was decorated with giant peonies and they called it the Chinese New Year Tree) and the owner had his own portrait painting 4x the human size hanging on the wall as if he was the sultan or something. He had 2 miniature toy sized poodles, 3 labradors (gold, chocolate and black) and a German shepherd (all imported from Australia). He had two swimming pools at the back, marble floors, bullet proof glass windows that give you a complete view of his yard outside (which looks like some kind of Botanic Gardens) with automatic curtains (and the curtains were ridiculously fancy too), two grandfather clocks, about 5 massaging chairs and don't even ask me how many couches there were and I haven't even seen what the house looked like upstairs. There are probably 50 rooms up there...I couldn't believe it. I felt like I stepped into Buckingham palace...he had a ballroom and two function rooms and another separate living room downstairs with a cinema sized plasma tv...where did all his money come from?! I felt so awkward there...they acted like normal, every day people. Well of course they are normal people....just incredibly rich normal people... :/ I didn't know I had billionaire distant relatives...it's amazing how one side of my family are humble, not very well off country folk, and the other side are filthy rich city folk...the world doesn't make any sense to me...

As lovely and amazing as that house was, I felt really uncomfortable so I was glad when it was time for us to get out of there...

Now that we're home, everyone's watching more movies. Isn't it time for bed?! It's almost midnight and they've started watching movies. The plan for tomorrow is waking up early, eating out, shopping, continue eating out, continue shopping, come home, eat out, come home and stay up late for more movies. How do these people do it?! I'm completely and utterly knackered!

Time finished: 00:39
Mood: Knackered!

I need to start running...

Time started: 23:29
Place: Living room (Darwin)
Listening to: Advertisements on the television.
Weather: Fine and warm
Mood: Sluggish

I have a horrible track record with health.
I still have chronic fatigue syndrome and I constantly get cluster migraines.
My heart rate is also high which suggests that I am very unfit and my cholesterol has also gone off the roof for the first time. I've also been feeling depressed lately...I'm worried I will be clinically depressed again and anti-depressants never helped me.
I've noticed I've gained a significant amount of weight and I'm a little worried about my health not only for the short term, but for the long term as well.

There are many things I want to see and do and I've got a full life ahead of me so I need to change certain lifestyle habits of mine.

I would like to run again. I don't just mean a kilometre or two...I would like to eventually gradually be able to run a marathon. It's easier said than done and the fact that I've sprained my left ankle 14 times certainly will not help...

I'm tired of never completing my goals so I'm going to write this in my blog and set this to stone. I don't care if it takes me several years to achieve this but I'm determined to be able to reach this goal of mine.

I think I generally eat well so I don't really need to change too much about my eating habits. I certainly need to drink more water though.

I will not use horrible weather as an excuse to stop me anymore. If the weather's bad, I'll do something indoors to keep myself fit.

Anyway, I will start this exercise regime after I return from Malaysia on the 13th of February. That will be the day I will change my life for the better. Hopefully this one little exercise program can change my life in all aspects around.

Time finished: 23:38
Mood: Determined

Living up to Expectations

Time started: 11:45
Place: My room (Darwin)
Listening to: Monsoonal rain outside
Weather: Monsoonal rain
Mood: Useless

I'm home in Darwin. Christmas was alright. New Year sucked. I worked.

Sometimes I wish my parents could read....I know that's a horrible thing to say...but I feel so pressured to help them out all the time and they don't even appreciate it.
Today I'm stressed because mum got her package of her central locking remote for her car which I helped her order. She screams at me after opening the package saying "YOU GOT THE WRONG ONE! IT'S NOT THE SAME!" Of course it's the same, it just doesn't have the side coverings because you're supposed to use the old existing one. I told her this and even showed her the model number....it's exactly the same. And she calls me a "stupid, smelly cunt" in Chinese in the process as per usual. Pardon my language...
Later, she believes me for a while, but starts checking over it again with her half blindness. And screams at me again saying the numbers are not the same. I scream back to put her glasses on and stop assuming I'm stupid and useless.

Today she wanted me to help out my uncle to get him a washing machine because he's old and almost blind and deaf. The problem is, today is the last day I have to proof read Meiling's essay for college in the states. Mum's sister, my aunt, Meiling's mum, called her and cried about it worrying Meiling will fail so mum is also like "you have so much spare time! Teach Meiling English!" And so I told her I have to help Meiling today and she's like "You're so ungrateful, you just don't want to help your uncle!"
I'm thinking wtf....Meiling has to hand in her essay like a couple of hours from now! It's pissing outside! She expects me to drive my uncle around all of Darwin in this weather without her freaking out?!

And then my dad calls while I'm helping Meiling, and it's just to ask if I can help him buy model cars on ebay!

I spent 9 hours 2 days ago helping Meiling write her bloody essay and mum goes I'm not practicing piano....Then I practice piano and she's like I'm stopping her from watching tv....
And last night I go out with friends and I was home before midnight and she complains that I'm enjoying myself too much with my friends and I got home far too late and it was the first time I've even seen them all holidays! My lift home was Erin. She expects my friends to jeopardise their time for me to get home early for mum? If that was what she wanted she could've at least let me drive there! What does she expect?

Also, I can't do Honours at uni because mum can't wait for me that long....I really wanted to do Honours....but I have to come home and work and support her because she can't read and she's broke and needs me to look after her...it's fair enough, she does need me, she is sick and stuff...but I'm just bloody sick of her stressing me out like it's the end of the world every 5 minutes and screaming at me calling me a stupid, smelly cunt in Chinese...

She blames her behaviour on menopause. Well I know plenty of other women out there going through menopause...and they don't scream at their daughter every five minutes over nothing and calling them horrible things...

One day dad called, and she picked up, and she immediately screamed at him "I'M SLEEPING, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT! YOU'RE A NUISANCE!"
And she wonders why dad chucked a hissy fit at her....
And it was 2pm, it wasn't like an unreasonable time for him to call...

My dad's not much better. He only calls me when he wants me to help him purchase model cars on ebay or when he needs something...nice to see you too, dad...

He comes to our home, using up my time, my computer, my internet, my paypal account for me to help him order some vintage Matchbox model car that only ships to the US. What's worse is he is using Levon to get the model car shipped to his PO box before forwarding the parcel to my dad...Levon...my boyfriend...using him...
I get mad at dad and he accuses me of not wanting to help him...

I tell mum that I want to visit Levon some time this year and that his parents really want to meet me and I want to meet them and she goes "you enjoy life too much, you should focus on uni..."
And I'm like "Well if you want Levon in my future then you should let me visit him instead of making us see us once every two years!"

You know...life would just be a lot better if my parents knew how to read...either that or I had a couple of other siblings to share the weight on my shoulders...there's only so much stress I can handle.

I'm not perfect but I'm most certainly not a "stupid smelly cunt" as my mother would always call me when I don't quite make it up to her standards. I know I'm wrong a lot of the time but that never gave her the right to put me down like this. I happen to have feelings in case she didn't notice...I would happily help her out with everything if she didn't complain so much. It's not that much to ask...

Time finished: 12:12
Listening to: the clicking of the fan
Mood: Teary

Separation Anxiety

Time started: 01:29
Place: My room (Wattle Park)
Listening to: Nothing
Weather: Warm
Mood: Yearning

I try not to cry...but I miss him so much.
I'm scared this isn't going to work...

God, please help me :(.

Time finished: 01:31

Where Has the Year Gone?

Time started: 00:34
Place: My room (Wattle Park)
Listening to: The clock ticking
Weather: Cold but fine
Mood: Stressed

Is it really the first of November already? Where has this year gone? What have I done?
I can't even play any of my pieces in my program for my technical exam yet...and I've had these pieces all year!

I don't know what is wrong with me. It's like my short term memory for learning doesn't exist.
I would practise for hours and hours every day and when I think I've nailed something by the end of the night (I can play a section with my eyes closed) I forget it the next day, and I'm learning from scratch again...it's really frustrating!

There are only 15 days til the date I was scheduled to do my exam but it seems that I will have to resort to yet again another medical supplementary exam...this is really not what I want...

I just don't understand why I can't do this...it's not like I'm not trying. Yes, there are days when I slack off, but doesn't everyone have those days? I practise my arse off almost every day...and I've had these pieces for the whole darn year...I've even taken up Bikram yoga to help me get back into better health but it doesn't seem to be working. I don't know what to do...this chronic fatigue syndrome is stopping me from doing so much...

I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed but I'm not exactly retarded either...I don't get why I can't learn like everyone else. Yes, I'm a little on the slow side but no progress? Really?! What the hell is wrong with me?!

Lucinda thinks I need to take a year of absence and do single studies for a year to regain my health....put my studies on halt again? Like doing 3rd year over 2 years isn't enough of a breeze for me?! I'm going to be 23 next year...23 without a degree. 24 going 25 by the time I graduate...taking a leave of absence is definitely not on my mind! I need to get out of university with a degree and make a living...I can't be a student forever. I need to start on my future NOW! As soon as I can if I want a better chance with being with Levon...

Speaking of Levon, he has been so busy lately. I hardly get to talk to him. It's like our relationship isn't the same anymore. I know it's something neither of us could help...we both have so much to do in our own lives but I hate how we're both so separate now and not just in terms of distance. I know I do talk to him almost every day but it's always the same every day...we say hi, we do cutesy emoticons and emote actions like *huggles* and *snuggles* and *kisses* and *smooches* and all those disgusting cheesy stuff that you'd expect from Care Bears or Barney. We exchange I love yous every day. It seems beautiful and perfect, right? I don't see it that way. It's like I don't know him. I don't know about his day. I don't know the things that make him happy or frustrates him. I don't know where our relationship is going...at the moment it just seems to be obliviously running around in circles, like a goldfish circling around the fishbowl...
Let's face it. Even though we've been together almost two years and still love each other to death we hardly know each other. We can't experience the joys and pains the same way most couples do. We don't have that opportunity to argue or grow together. To a small degree we can through conversation but it's just not the same. This scares me every day...we're blinded by distance and act purely on feelings alone.
I guess I long for something different in our relationship. It's just that every day it's the same and what's the point? It would just be nice if he'd tell me about his day or his random fleeting thoughts. When I tell him about mine he always reacts the same way like he's avoiding a discussion. It's just a *hugs* or a *pounce* like he's not listening...he often doesn't know what to say...I probably also long some kind of a plan for him. He's just taking things as they go and it's not really enough for me...I need to know what's going on. I need some kind of a direction from him...I don't care whatever the hell it is, it can be anything...I just need something...I can't just hang on for years waiting for something to happen...

*Sigh* I don't know...I'm just not a go with a flow kind of person...
I'm not very assertive either so it's not fair on him if he has no idea what I want. I don't tell him. I guess that's the same with him. He doesn't tell me either. We're both just stuck in limbo pretending that we're happy...

Anyway...I better start being happy so I can focus on my exams and get them over and done with...life would be so much better after I get this damn degree...

Time finished: 01:06
Mood: Tired...

For Kenan

Time started: 04:45
Place: My room (Wattle Park, Adelaide)
Mood: Worried

For my beloved friend, Kenan whom I love dearly,

I am sad that you are going through so much crap right now. For someone as happy and strong-minded as you, it pains me to see you so go through all this and be affected by the negatives in life to the point of an emotional wreck.

For all the times you have been there for me in a heartbeat, it pains me that I am unable to do the same. All I can do is sit here in my room praying that you'll be all right and write you a silly little blog entry dedicated to you...

However, it goes without saying how much you mean to me. In the very short time we have gotten to know each other, I've discovered what a beautiful person you are. You have already become one of my best friends and an important person in my life. Your kindness, love, sentiment and compassion for others is astounding and knows no bounds and it amazes me how much you dedicate yourself for others. You've also given me so many memories to look back and laugh upon.

I can only hope that one day I and others will be able to do the same for you.
Life is short, and complicated. Life will always have turn of events that will bring you to tears. It isn't fair for you to be strong for others all the time, neither is it possible. The greatest pain is knowing when someone you love is hurting and not knowing what to do to help. I know that this kind of pain affects you everyday. It pains me to see you hurting too. Please, if you ever need a shoulder to cry on, someone to scream at, someone to show your instability side to because you can no longer hide it, I can be that friend you need. In fact, I want to be that friend you need because someone as special as you needs a little help from a friend, especially after all that you've done for me.

So Kenan, htfu! I don't care! Just kidding...you know I do. I care so much that it keeps me up at night.

God has been very kind to me allowing me the course of fate running into you and making you my friend. You really are a blessing. I love you, Kenan!

May our adventures of random food runs, mischief, and double scissors continue endlessly :).

Love always,
Min

Time finished: 05:05

I Don't Ever Learn...

Time started: 23:52
Place: My room (Wattle Park, Adelaide)
Weather: Cold
Mood: Worried

I have a bad track record of losing my things...
Last night I was practising in the cello room at uni and I think I've left my wallet there.
I searched for it all day...
I can use the excuse that I was severely sleep deprived and it was past midnight but I know that it's only because I'm the biggest, careless, hopeless, clutsiest person ever...
I pray my wallet will turn up soon...that's wishful thinking though...

When will I ever learn to look after my things?!

Time finished: 23:58
Mood: Depressed...

An Emotional Ritual

Time started: 23:15
Place: My room (Wattle Park, Adelaide)
Listening to: Nothing
Weather: Cold and rainy
Mood: Lonely

I was meant to go to sleep two hours ago. I stayed up to watch a couple of movies instead.
Now I have come to the terms that I'm just not settling to go to sleep.
I have a 10am start tomorrow, and university doesn't finish til 9:30pm for me. Wednesdays suck...
Laying here missing you sucks more.
No matter how tired or busy I am, I can't stop missing you.
Feeling sad and alone has become an emotional ritual for me every night before I sleep...that can't be good for me...

Time finished: 23:14
Mood: Tired

Oil and Water

Time started: 22:52
Place: My room (Wattle Park)
Listening to: The dog trudging somewhere around the house
Weather: Cold
Mood: Anxious

No matter how good my intentions were to wake up early to practise on the piano all day today, it just hasn't come to play.
In the morning, since it was a sunny day (which are very rare in Adelaide at this time of the year) I did my laundry. That probably took the whole morning.
In the afternoon, Irene asks me to help her with her Maths homework. I go upstairs and help her out but we get distracted by a deck of Uno cards...
I managed to do two hours of piano practise when Irene went to badminton, but I suddenly got tired and dreary and dinner had to be made.
So I made dinner which probably took over an hour (given that someone with a shocking immune system such as myself needs to have healthy meals). Then there's eating and doing the dishes...
Then Irene comes down again and asks for help with homework so I help her out again.
By the time this is done, it is 10:30pm...not really a good time to be bashing around the piano repetitively with other people in the house and neighbours around...

I am quite far behind learning my program. I won't say I will fail, but I am definitely not as prepared as I should be...the anxiety will continue to grow if life persists like this...

So...yeah...trying to practise 6 hours a day is possible, but it's very hard, especially if you want to stay a sane human being...
Piano practise and life is like oil and water. They just don't mix...

Time finished: 23:02
Listening to: Nothing
Mood: Drained

Life is a Rollercoaster

Time started: 19:10
Place: My room (Wattle Park, Adelaide)
Listening to: The rain outside, and the television campaigning the election tomorrow
Weather: Wet and dreary
Mood: Lethargic and unmotivated

"What goes up, must come down..." as the wise old Albert Einstein once said.

I've had my up of the holidays, seeing Levon again, spending time with family and friends, and having a positive start to the semester with productive and confident practise.

And now I'm at a low. Still sick with a 2 month cold, bones and muscles aching, failing to adapt to the cold, wet weather of Adelaide...I am feeling very unmotivated to practise. The past couple of days I've been really sluggish, spending most of my time in bed sleeping for hours on end...all of it is unrefreshing.

Tension among people continues. Those around me are experiencing some of their greatest woes, stress, grief...everything negative imagineable. You name it...
My mother called me quite recently telling me that my 100 year old grandfather fell down the stairs in Malaysia and is currently in a critical condition.
I want to go back to Malaysia. My aunt from the US whom I have not seen for 12 years is finally returning and taking Mei Ling with her back to the states. University is in the way...
All this is getting to me and I often find myself depressed while I'm alone. I occupy my thoughts with unhappiness and it paralyses me. It weighs me down, and I am unable to move.
I find solace in talking to my family and friends, but even they seem to be so far from reach.

I need to get on with my life. This is ridiculous. Why is everything stopping me from doing what I need to do? It's in the norm for even some of the strongest and happiest of people to experience some downs in their life...

I'm looking forward to my next up in life, whenever that may be...

It's ironic how it's life that's always in the way of living life...

Time finished: 19:22
Listening to: Random conversations on TV
Mood: Zombiefied