Lance Dossor Prize

Time started: 01:28

Place: My room (Wattle Park)

Listening to: "Ondine" from Gaspard de la Nuit - Ravel

Weather: Cold
Mood: Dazed

I participated in a piano competition for the first time in over 6 years today.
I probably played the best I've ever played in front of people for a really long time.

I think I surprised a lot of people because I'm mostly catastrophic and a shaking dog on the stage and for the first time ever I actually had a lot of fun playing on the piano in front of Lucinda! It has been a long time since I've felt this way on stage.

I didn't win of course, I didn't expect to win but I never cared about winning. Today I played the best I could and that is a win for me.

I hope for my recital I will be at least 10 times better than I was today :).

Time finished: 01:35

My American Adventure

Time started: 00:54

Place: My room, (Wattle Park)

Weather: Cold

Mood: Reminiscent

I came back from the United States a couple of weeks ago.

I was there for a month to visit Levon and meet his family. I had the time of my life.

His parents were so friendly to me. I felt like I was part of the family straight away!

Their home was beautiful. They lived on top of a hill at Pismo beach that overlooks both the mountains and the beach.

The time that Levon and I had was fun and very revealing with the fact that we are both definitely in love and compatible.

We had serious talks about how to progress our relationship. There's no doubt the next few years will be hard still being apart but we can see the end of the long distance relationship now. We're going to make it work.

USA is a pretty awesome country (but I've only been in California and Washington). However, Australia wins hands down for being a better country to live in.

I'll go through what I did in the States.

His parents took me to some of their favourite places to dine. My first impression on American food was they were overwhelmingly huge! Take away...or should I say "food to go" was a constant term used in post-dining out experiences.

Went skydiving with Levon and his mother. There's really nothing to be afraid of with Skydiving. It was the most amazing thing ever and the view was absolutely stunning! I'd definitely do it again and highly recommend it with EVERYONE!

Levon and I flew up to Washington to meet his extended family and friends. Washington is amazingly beautiful and green. I met his family up in Lacey and his friends in Olympia and Tumwater. I fell in love with his cousin, Daniel's Border Collie x Australian Shepherd named Mika. I spoke Cantonese to his aunt Maggie and his grandmother. It was a riveting experience. We watched a baseball game in Tacoma and went up the Space Needle and Pikes Markets in Seattle. It was a very inviting and laid back place. Besides the dismall weather, it was a wonderful place to be.

San Francisco is a colourful city in every sense of the word. It has colourful buildings, colourful culture, and the language they used was also colourful.

Yosemite Valley was more beautiful than I could imagine. We had an awesome tour guide named Karen who was genuinely very friendly and excited to be our tour guide. She knew what she was doing and she really wanted us to have a good time. It was nice meeting the other campers too. There were two Kiwis, a British family, and a fellow Australian. I took about 700 photos in the valley. The views were breath-taking. The hikes were hard but we did ourselves proud at the end (even though we were unable to walk without wincing in pain for a couple of days after).

Monterey & Carmel was probably beautiful if it wasn't for the appalling weather and tour guide. The tour guide loved the sound of his own voice and spoke of nothing of interest. He even described toilets...or should I say "restrooms".

We headed back to Pismo Beach just to relax from all the touring we did. I met a lot of his parents' friends for 4th of July and witnessed spectacular fireworks and the patriotism of American residents.

The last leg of my journey involved going back down to the LA area. We first went to Disneyland for 14 hours trying to do as much as we can. It was undoubtedly fun even though I didn't really have an interest to go in the first place. All the rides, shops, costumes were very finely done with an uncanny, exceptional attention to detail.

I met up with my friend Catherine who was an exchange student a couple of years ago. It was good to catch up with her. She showed me around Huntington Beach and the South Coast Shopping mall. We chatted and reminisced about Australia.

The last day involved seeing the Hollywood sign, walking the star walk down Hollywood Boulevard, and killing time in a bowling alley before my flight.

Levon and I held each other for an hour crying at the airport...

I stopped by in Melbourne before heading home to spend time with Rebecca and her family. It was good to see William all grown up. The last time I saw him (besides before going to the US) was about a year ago when he was just a few days old! It was so nice to spend time with the Colliers and just do fun things with them like baking, watching movies, playing Munchkin and going out to nice places for food.

I'm pretty sad to be back. Back to reality. Back to depressing Adelaide, and university.

If possible, I'd turn back time and re-live my month in the USA to be with Levon in a heartbeat...it sucks suddenly being alone and without him again...

I have the future to look forward to though, and now I just have pleasant memories and a couple of thousand photos. One thing is for certain...he is in my future and we love each other. I guess that's all that matters.

Time finished: 01:17

Mood: Content

Hypocrisy

Time started: 00:09
Place: My room (Wattle Park)
Weather: Starting to get cold
Mood: Self-conscious

Have you ever realised how easy it is to pick on others' faults? The stuff we dislike about them? It is so easy to say horrible things about others but I wonder how many of us stop to think about the horrible things we say or do ourselves? Aren't we the same? It is so easy to see bad things in other people and we are blinded by the good things we believe to be in ourselves...
My faults are aplenty.
I'm struggling to see anything good about me right now, however. I've been reminded why I'm always so self-conscious.
I never want to practise in Elder Hall ever again. At least that's how I feel...

Time finished: 00:11

Heartbroken...

Time started: 22:28
Place: Living room (Darwin)
Listening to: The television
Weather: Okay, I guess...
Mood: You can read the title, right?

My own best friend didn't believe in me. It's all just empty words...the things that people say to be nice to you...

I try so hard and I'm never good enough in anyone's eyes...

Time finished: 22:29

Living up to Expectations

Time started: 11:45
Place: My room (Darwin)
Listening to: Monsoonal rain outside
Weather: Monsoonal rain
Mood: Useless

I'm home in Darwin. Christmas was alright. New Year sucked. I worked.

Sometimes I wish my parents could read....I know that's a horrible thing to say...but I feel so pressured to help them out all the time and they don't even appreciate it.
Today I'm stressed because mum got her package of her central locking remote for her car which I helped her order. She screams at me after opening the package saying "YOU GOT THE WRONG ONE! IT'S NOT THE SAME!" Of course it's the same, it just doesn't have the side coverings because you're supposed to use the old existing one. I told her this and even showed her the model number....it's exactly the same. And she calls me a "stupid, smelly cunt" in Chinese in the process as per usual. Pardon my language...
Later, she believes me for a while, but starts checking over it again with her half blindness. And screams at me again saying the numbers are not the same. I scream back to put her glasses on and stop assuming I'm stupid and useless.

Today she wanted me to help out my uncle to get him a washing machine because he's old and almost blind and deaf. The problem is, today is the last day I have to proof read Meiling's essay for college in the states. Mum's sister, my aunt, Meiling's mum, called her and cried about it worrying Meiling will fail so mum is also like "you have so much spare time! Teach Meiling English!" And so I told her I have to help Meiling today and she's like "You're so ungrateful, you just don't want to help your uncle!"
I'm thinking wtf....Meiling has to hand in her essay like a couple of hours from now! It's pissing outside! She expects me to drive my uncle around all of Darwin in this weather without her freaking out?!

And then my dad calls while I'm helping Meiling, and it's just to ask if I can help him buy model cars on ebay!

I spent 9 hours 2 days ago helping Meiling write her bloody essay and mum goes I'm not practicing piano....Then I practice piano and she's like I'm stopping her from watching tv....
And last night I go out with friends and I was home before midnight and she complains that I'm enjoying myself too much with my friends and I got home far too late and it was the first time I've even seen them all holidays! My lift home was Erin. She expects my friends to jeopardise their time for me to get home early for mum? If that was what she wanted she could've at least let me drive there! What does she expect?

Also, I can't do Honours at uni because mum can't wait for me that long....I really wanted to do Honours....but I have to come home and work and support her because she can't read and she's broke and needs me to look after her...it's fair enough, she does need me, she is sick and stuff...but I'm just bloody sick of her stressing me out like it's the end of the world every 5 minutes and screaming at me calling me a stupid, smelly cunt in Chinese...

She blames her behaviour on menopause. Well I know plenty of other women out there going through menopause...and they don't scream at their daughter every five minutes over nothing and calling them horrible things...

One day dad called, and she picked up, and she immediately screamed at him "I'M SLEEPING, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT! YOU'RE A NUISANCE!"
And she wonders why dad chucked a hissy fit at her....
And it was 2pm, it wasn't like an unreasonable time for him to call...

My dad's not much better. He only calls me when he wants me to help him purchase model cars on ebay or when he needs something...nice to see you too, dad...

He comes to our home, using up my time, my computer, my internet, my paypal account for me to help him order some vintage Matchbox model car that only ships to the US. What's worse is he is using Levon to get the model car shipped to his PO box before forwarding the parcel to my dad...Levon...my boyfriend...using him...
I get mad at dad and he accuses me of not wanting to help him...

I tell mum that I want to visit Levon some time this year and that his parents really want to meet me and I want to meet them and she goes "you enjoy life too much, you should focus on uni..."
And I'm like "Well if you want Levon in my future then you should let me visit him instead of making us see us once every two years!"

You know...life would just be a lot better if my parents knew how to read...either that or I had a couple of other siblings to share the weight on my shoulders...there's only so much stress I can handle.

I'm not perfect but I'm most certainly not a "stupid smelly cunt" as my mother would always call me when I don't quite make it up to her standards. I know I'm wrong a lot of the time but that never gave her the right to put me down like this. I happen to have feelings in case she didn't notice...I would happily help her out with everything if she didn't complain so much. It's not that much to ask...

Time finished: 12:12
Listening to: the clicking of the fan
Mood: Teary

Where Has the Year Gone?

Time started: 00:34
Place: My room (Wattle Park)
Listening to: The clock ticking
Weather: Cold but fine
Mood: Stressed

Is it really the first of November already? Where has this year gone? What have I done?
I can't even play any of my pieces in my program for my technical exam yet...and I've had these pieces all year!

I don't know what is wrong with me. It's like my short term memory for learning doesn't exist.
I would practise for hours and hours every day and when I think I've nailed something by the end of the night (I can play a section with my eyes closed) I forget it the next day, and I'm learning from scratch again...it's really frustrating!

There are only 15 days til the date I was scheduled to do my exam but it seems that I will have to resort to yet again another medical supplementary exam...this is really not what I want...

I just don't understand why I can't do this...it's not like I'm not trying. Yes, there are days when I slack off, but doesn't everyone have those days? I practise my arse off almost every day...and I've had these pieces for the whole darn year...I've even taken up Bikram yoga to help me get back into better health but it doesn't seem to be working. I don't know what to do...this chronic fatigue syndrome is stopping me from doing so much...

I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed but I'm not exactly retarded either...I don't get why I can't learn like everyone else. Yes, I'm a little on the slow side but no progress? Really?! What the hell is wrong with me?!

Lucinda thinks I need to take a year of absence and do single studies for a year to regain my health....put my studies on halt again? Like doing 3rd year over 2 years isn't enough of a breeze for me?! I'm going to be 23 next year...23 without a degree. 24 going 25 by the time I graduate...taking a leave of absence is definitely not on my mind! I need to get out of university with a degree and make a living...I can't be a student forever. I need to start on my future NOW! As soon as I can if I want a better chance with being with Levon...

Speaking of Levon, he has been so busy lately. I hardly get to talk to him. It's like our relationship isn't the same anymore. I know it's something neither of us could help...we both have so much to do in our own lives but I hate how we're both so separate now and not just in terms of distance. I know I do talk to him almost every day but it's always the same every day...we say hi, we do cutesy emoticons and emote actions like *huggles* and *snuggles* and *kisses* and *smooches* and all those disgusting cheesy stuff that you'd expect from Care Bears or Barney. We exchange I love yous every day. It seems beautiful and perfect, right? I don't see it that way. It's like I don't know him. I don't know about his day. I don't know the things that make him happy or frustrates him. I don't know where our relationship is going...at the moment it just seems to be obliviously running around in circles, like a goldfish circling around the fishbowl...
Let's face it. Even though we've been together almost two years and still love each other to death we hardly know each other. We can't experience the joys and pains the same way most couples do. We don't have that opportunity to argue or grow together. To a small degree we can through conversation but it's just not the same. This scares me every day...we're blinded by distance and act purely on feelings alone.
I guess I long for something different in our relationship. It's just that every day it's the same and what's the point? It would just be nice if he'd tell me about his day or his random fleeting thoughts. When I tell him about mine he always reacts the same way like he's avoiding a discussion. It's just a *hugs* or a *pounce* like he's not listening...he often doesn't know what to say...I probably also long some kind of a plan for him. He's just taking things as they go and it's not really enough for me...I need to know what's going on. I need some kind of a direction from him...I don't care whatever the hell it is, it can be anything...I just need something...I can't just hang on for years waiting for something to happen...

*Sigh* I don't know...I'm just not a go with a flow kind of person...
I'm not very assertive either so it's not fair on him if he has no idea what I want. I don't tell him. I guess that's the same with him. He doesn't tell me either. We're both just stuck in limbo pretending that we're happy...

Anyway...I better start being happy so I can focus on my exams and get them over and done with...life would be so much better after I get this damn degree...

Time finished: 01:06
Mood: Tired...

Toss and Turn

Time started: 02:54
Place: My room (Wattle Park)
Listening to: Silence
Mood: Restless

My daily routine is worrying about not having enough time.
Not having enough time to practise and learn all my pieces, to sleep, or do things that keep me sane.

It's ironic that I keep myself awake to give myself more time, yet the efficiency of my performance is decreased dramatically. Not surprising at the least.

So what is the balance? I'm struggling to find it. I'm feeling the unhealthy lethargic phase again. I took up Bikram yoga, and I love it. So far it's not helping though. I just end up feeling more tired...

Why am I tired? I've tried praying. I eat well. I'm thinking more rationally while I'm stressing about studies, I don't know...

I'm just so burned out.

I went to bed at 9pm because I was unable to keep myself awake any longer. I woke up at midnight and was not happy about that because I was hoping to have refreshing sleep til 6 or 7 to practise in the morning before my first piano lesson for this term. I tossed and turned in bed til 2am. It is now 3am and here I am updating this blog with another depressing, negative entry.

There are some positives in my life though. I've been hanging out with Matthew and Kenan a lot. We'd often be at Matt's place baking cakes, watching movies, acting in the most bizarre and immature way possible. They've given me many memories to look back upon for my university life. These memories will definitely override the stress and torment I've had studying the piano.

I can't wait til the end. I've worked so far for it. Life will be kind to me after all this hard work. It will pay off. I need this motivation to get me through. All this will be worth it in the end.

Time finished: 03:12
Mood: A little more fired up

I Don't Ever Learn...

Time started: 23:52
Place: My room (Wattle Park, Adelaide)
Weather: Cold
Mood: Worried

I have a bad track record of losing my things...
Last night I was practising in the cello room at uni and I think I've left my wallet there.
I searched for it all day...
I can use the excuse that I was severely sleep deprived and it was past midnight but I know that it's only because I'm the biggest, careless, hopeless, clutsiest person ever...
I pray my wallet will turn up soon...that's wishful thinking though...

When will I ever learn to look after my things?!

Time finished: 23:58
Mood: Depressed...

An Emotional Ritual

Time started: 23:15
Place: My room (Wattle Park, Adelaide)
Listening to: Nothing
Weather: Cold and rainy
Mood: Lonely

I was meant to go to sleep two hours ago. I stayed up to watch a couple of movies instead.
Now I have come to the terms that I'm just not settling to go to sleep.
I have a 10am start tomorrow, and university doesn't finish til 9:30pm for me. Wednesdays suck...
Laying here missing you sucks more.
No matter how tired or busy I am, I can't stop missing you.
Feeling sad and alone has become an emotional ritual for me every night before I sleep...that can't be good for me...

Time finished: 23:14
Mood: Tired

Oil and Water

Time started: 22:52
Place: My room (Wattle Park)
Listening to: The dog trudging somewhere around the house
Weather: Cold
Mood: Anxious

No matter how good my intentions were to wake up early to practise on the piano all day today, it just hasn't come to play.
In the morning, since it was a sunny day (which are very rare in Adelaide at this time of the year) I did my laundry. That probably took the whole morning.
In the afternoon, Irene asks me to help her with her Maths homework. I go upstairs and help her out but we get distracted by a deck of Uno cards...
I managed to do two hours of piano practise when Irene went to badminton, but I suddenly got tired and dreary and dinner had to be made.
So I made dinner which probably took over an hour (given that someone with a shocking immune system such as myself needs to have healthy meals). Then there's eating and doing the dishes...
Then Irene comes down again and asks for help with homework so I help her out again.
By the time this is done, it is 10:30pm...not really a good time to be bashing around the piano repetitively with other people in the house and neighbours around...

I am quite far behind learning my program. I won't say I will fail, but I am definitely not as prepared as I should be...the anxiety will continue to grow if life persists like this...

So...yeah...trying to practise 6 hours a day is possible, but it's very hard, especially if you want to stay a sane human being...
Piano practise and life is like oil and water. They just don't mix...

Time finished: 23:02
Listening to: Nothing
Mood: Drained

Life is a Rollercoaster

Time started: 19:10
Place: My room (Wattle Park, Adelaide)
Listening to: The rain outside, and the television campaigning the election tomorrow
Weather: Wet and dreary
Mood: Lethargic and unmotivated

"What goes up, must come down..." as the wise old Albert Einstein once said.

I've had my up of the holidays, seeing Levon again, spending time with family and friends, and having a positive start to the semester with productive and confident practise.

And now I'm at a low. Still sick with a 2 month cold, bones and muscles aching, failing to adapt to the cold, wet weather of Adelaide...I am feeling very unmotivated to practise. The past couple of days I've been really sluggish, spending most of my time in bed sleeping for hours on end...all of it is unrefreshing.

Tension among people continues. Those around me are experiencing some of their greatest woes, stress, grief...everything negative imagineable. You name it...
My mother called me quite recently telling me that my 100 year old grandfather fell down the stairs in Malaysia and is currently in a critical condition.
I want to go back to Malaysia. My aunt from the US whom I have not seen for 12 years is finally returning and taking Mei Ling with her back to the states. University is in the way...
All this is getting to me and I often find myself depressed while I'm alone. I occupy my thoughts with unhappiness and it paralyses me. It weighs me down, and I am unable to move.
I find solace in talking to my family and friends, but even they seem to be so far from reach.

I need to get on with my life. This is ridiculous. Why is everything stopping me from doing what I need to do? It's in the norm for even some of the strongest and happiest of people to experience some downs in their life...

I'm looking forward to my next up in life, whenever that may be...

It's ironic how it's life that's always in the way of living life...

Time finished: 19:22
Listening to: Random conversations on TV
Mood: Zombiefied

Tick...tick...tick...tick...

Time started: 21:04
Place: My room (Wattle Park, Adelaide)
Listening to: Clock ticking...
Weather: Cold enough for me to whine.
Mood: Lonely

I haven't updated this blog for 4 months...
Here's a brief update:
I've moved out in April and I'm loving my new place. The family I live with is lovely too.
I had my 22nd birthday. I can't remember what I did to celebrate...nothing much.
Last semester was the hardest semester I've ever encountered in my tertiary educational life...but I got through it, barely.
Levon came to visit me for three weeks last month. They were the happiest and most natural three weeks of my life.

Well it's been a week since I said goodbye to him and since I've arrived back to Adelaide to continue with uni.
I'm alone in my room, missing Darwin, missing my parents, missing my friends, missing him...and I've realised that the ticking of the clock is the loneliest sound in the world. It is reminding me of all the spaces between. It is reminding me how long it has been...how much further away those times have been...and how much longer it will be...
I'm feeling a bit empty right now. Uni and uni friends are keeping me going, helping the time pass by, but I still can't help feeling really lonely and empty inside. I'm relying on the ticking of the clock to motivate me...
I have no problem picking my spirits up when I'm with my friends but when I come home to a room with an unmade bed, overloaded laundry basket, a piano with sheet music sprawled all over, and the deafening silence accompanied by the dead-pan, mechanical ticking of the clock...I can't help but feel I'm alone again and I start missing the most important people, places, and things in my life.

Tick...tick...tick...
I don't even want to think about how many more seconds it will be til I feel alive again...

Time finished: 21:22

Insane, Dazed Brain, and a Migraine.

Time started: 20:11
Place: My room (Adelaide)
Listening to: the ringing of my ears...
Weather: Nippy
Mood: Lacking self-respect.


Yes, yes, I know...I whine all the time. I'd say 90% of my entries are just whining...*sigh*
I've made some last resort decisions in the past week:

I am going to do my piano exam in February instead of November because my progress is just way too slow.
I am also going to study part-time starting from next year which will mean by the time I graduate (gosh, I just hope I get to graduate!) I would've been studying at uni for 8 years only to get this one measley degree...

I'm just so tired...
I'm tired of being sick. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of being depressed. I'm tired of having this mind-set of not being able to do anything...

I played Debussy's Toccata at tech & rep class today. Not because I was scheduled to, but because I love this piece and I thought I was ready. I crashed and burned 100 times worse than I thought I would.
I know I haven't finished learning the piece for very long but I have played it so many times without stopping or huge errors, and with expression and colour but what I did in class today was a total disaster! I don't know why, but as soon as I went up to adjust the piano stool I suddenly felt ill. I could feel every muscle in my body tense. My fingers felt paralysed and from the word go, I was in total panic! I didn't even feel nervous initially. It just hit me like a truck...My fingers fumbled as they tried to move, I had a mental block from the panic and stopped everywhere, and I didn't feel the music at all. I was playing so dead-pan just to try to play from beginning to end...
It felt like the longest five minutes of my life just trying to get through the piece in front of the class...

I felt really depressed after because I wasn't sick today yet I played bad enough to make people's ears bleed...
I wasn't sick today. I had no excuse. And so what if I was nervous? I've played the piano long enough to be able to play in front of an audience...
I felt really depressed because Lucinda wasn't mad at me. She pitied me. So did everyone else...I didn't care if I went through a lot this year. I didn't care that I'm not at the best of health...
I felt really depressed because Lucinda hasn't seen me in my good days and every time I tell her I am capable, she just thinks my thoughts are just deluded because I am sick and that it's okay to be handicapped...
"Don't be too hard on yourself...", "It wasn't that bad...", "You're doing fine...", "Take it easy..."
Take it easy? That's the only thing I've been doing since year 11! Take it easy...
Disability memorandums, doctor certificates, medical considerations, special requirements, whining, crying, complaining...that's all I've been doing to pass over the past 5 years just to pass and get better grades while everyone else is working hard and being diligent without any aid like I should be! It just doesn't seem fair...

Oh, but you're sick, Min. You're going through a lot of problems in life, Min. It's okay...
So what?! Everyone gets sick! Everyone has problems! Why should I be any different? I don't have a terminal illness...
*Sigh*

I just cried after class. I cried almost throughout my one hour bus ride home. I was so upset. I know there's no point in being so hard on myself but maybe that's just it...maybe I'm not hard on myself enough so I can't handle anything...

When I got home, I desperately tried to get some practise done but from being upset I developed a migraine.
It's one problem after another...
I just fell asleep at the piano for a couple of hours...when I woke up, I stood up and nearly toppled over and hit my head in the corner. Well this is just great...

I'm angry. I'm angry because no matter how hard I try to be positive, no matter how hard I try to get things done, no matter how hard I try to make situations easier it just never happens...
I'm angry because I always have to find alternatives to get through things...
I'm angry because the house is a mess...not tidied, not vaccuumed, undone dishes, unswept floor, it's a MESS!
I'm angry because I still have this migraine and I have an aural exam tomorrow...there's ringing in my ears...
I'm angry because I just complained about having a migraine and used it as an excuse to not study or do my assignments and spend my time making this stupid entry instead...
So am I really sick? Or am I just pathetic?

I am a disappointment to my mother. I'm sick, stupid, and incapable and do nothing but disappoint her...
I know she's proud of me...but she's only proud of me because despite my stupid and sickly nature, I still persist on going...and continuously hitting my head against a brick wall...
"Maybe you're just not good enough for uni..."

I miss Levon like hell...he is the one person who makes me feel like I'm good enough for something at times like these...

I just want this all to stop. I want to be happy and healthy again...
When I made dinner tonight I couldn't even remember that I was looking for the wooden spoon and when I did remember, and I found it, I just stared at it for a lengthened period of time without remembering to pick it up.
Stupid spoon...it made me so angry...
What the hell is wrong with me?!


Time finished: 21:02
Listening to: Jarrad shouting "YOU F***ING FAGGOT!" at someone over the internet...
Mood: Sleepy...

Hexyuna!

Time started: 21:09
Place: My room (Adelaide)
Listening to: "Listen to the Math" - Tokyo Police Club
Weather: Quite pleasant
Mood: Calm

This is going to be short.

I finally finished learning Grieg's piano sonata, 2nd movement today. The first piece in my program to be learned. It's like week 8. It's about time I finished learning something. I still can't play it very well though. In fact it sounds horrible. Oh well...
Piano practise is tiring. Probably because I've been so stressed and depressed lately but the last couple of days I've just been calming myself down, staying home and resting, and meditating. I'm thinking more rationally and positively now so hopefully this can help me get through for the rest of the year.

I've been going concerts where Steven's compositions have been performed. I think they're brilliant. Words cannot express how proud I am of him. Who would've thought such great music could be created by a close friend of mine!

Mum's starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and dad's starting to talk to me more now.

Um. 6 months!

Happy Birthday, Russell. I still think you're an old geiser...

And to a dear friend of mine...she knows who she is. I really hope you feel better soon. I am very worried about you. I know you don't want me to be and you probably feel that I shouldn't be, but I am. I hope life will be good to you soon. You deserve every happiness in the world.
You've given me a lifetime of the most pleasant memories and I know there will be more to come, just as long as you keep being who you are so stay strong and love yourself as much as we love you.

Okay. So it wasn't that short...but it's a lot shorter than what my entries usually are...

Ciao, for now!

Time finished: 21:17pm
Listening to: "Nature of the Experiment" - Tokyo Police Club
Mood: Ready to sleep

What Really Makes the World Go Round?

Time started: 0419 (yeah...I'm having trouble sleeping)
Place: My room (Adelaide)
Listening to: Nothing...surprise...
Weather: Cold but calm at least
Mood: Uneasy but settling

I just thought I'd post this since a couple of people close to me have noticed I've been very down and not myself so I guess I should explain what's constantly on my mind right now.

You know...money matters in this world more than I'd like it to. It's depressing. The world goes through more complex systems and lifestyles as time progresses. Just thinking about it makes me so tired. Simplicity in life is non-existent these days. Not even children these days can live their lives simply like children should because of the ever changing fears of the society and political correctness. Is it really a surprise that the rate of depression is constantly growing? Is it not scary? Thinking about the standard life for the contemporary individuals just frustrates me because I see so little meaning in life. Well, not quite. There is meaning in life. There always has been and there always will be, but everything around completely blinds us from it whether it'd be money, media, competition, expectations, deadlines, rules and regulations...anything.

I feel very pressured and anxious in more ways than one. The Government is allowing my mum only a year to recuperate her health after her aneurysm because she recovered remarkably well. After that they want her to go back to work, completely ignoring the several Doctor recommendations simply because she still has arms and limbs to move around and work. If only they knew how serious her condition really was. The surgeon specifically told me if she has an aneurysm again which is very possible, she WILL die.
Do I want her to go back to work again? Most definitely not! I will not allow it!

So I have come to terms with me having to study part time next year so I have room to work to help support her. I am originally really against that idea since I have already done two years of Biomedical Science beforehand and adding to the Music degree I am getting very tired of studying and just want to graduate and work full-time. However given the circumstances, I have no choice. My mother's health is the number one priority right now. I must do it. I'd be glad to do it. Besides...for all the years she's had to work off blood, sweat and tears for me, it's only fair.

My dad has something like a $30,000 debt from over-using his credit cards. My dad is a compulsive shopper and loves to spoil himself rotten. Not only that, he's getting kicked out of his apartment soon because he's no longer a suitable tennant since the village he lives in is really meant for the retired which he is not. My dad hasn't really been in a major part of my life but I figured he doesn't have anyone but me so I should help him out too. He may not be the father figure but he still loves me and of course, I love him too. He's simply still just a kid who just needs someone who loves him.

For the past couple of days I've been applying for jobs for Summer Vacation. I currently just got offered a temporary job for the Australian Electoral Commission to do some data entry online which is great because I can work at home and get paid decently. It's not enough to support my parents and me completely but it's a great start! I emailed the director asking him if there's any vacancies for me. He had to dig deep and fish out this small task for me during his intensively busy schedule which I really appreciate. I know him personally since I've worked for the AEC before during the federal election and he was impressed with my hard work.

I need to stop worrying because the more I worry, the sicker and more tired I get. I've been horribly slack the past few days from being so tired and it's stressing me out because I am very behind my piano practise for uni now. It's frustrating when I'm constantly getting fevers and just want to sleep every half hour I'm awake. It's probably a mental thing. I need to be stronger but everything is just putting me down right now and I'm really trying to pick myself up but I just don't know how. I don't have the confidence. I'm frightened. I over-think everything. Being sick should never be an excuse to stop me from doing what I need to do and I'm really tired of constantly using it as an excuse. I'm scared that it's depression. These past few days I can't stop crying, being irrationally snappy and have so much trouble getting out of bed but now as I write this entry I've just realised that I spend a ridiculous amount of time just worrying. It doesn't help when he's out of touch for a bit either. Not his fault. I just miss him a lot. Blargh.

Time can be so easily spent on things you wish you never did but when you realise this...it's too late. That time you've wasted is gone. This concept can apply to life in so many ways. On one hand, time is short so you never want to waste it on doing something unproductive and never getting what you need to get done, done. On the other hand, since time is short, this also means life is short, so why use up all the short time to do something that worries you and stresses you out instead of enjoying yourself? *Sigh* see? The standard life is a constant battle between doing what you want to do, and doing what you need to do. Your wants and needs very rarely coincide. So what should one do? One could only worry...and be awake worrying...and write a worrying blog. Joy.

Well...on a happier note I've decided both mum and I work too hard and worry too much so I've booked flights for the both of us to go to Sydney in December. It's been a while since my mum's had a holiday just for the sake of a holiday. Malaysia didn't really count because she really only went back to reactivate her bank account and get some legal documentations of my grandmother's Will. Sydney will be fun since we both don't know much about it so we'll just explore, get lost, possibly drive each other insane =P. I'll get to see my best friend, Shan Shan too who I haven't seen for two years so it will be nice (even though she's going to be constantly working...*sigh*). She's going to try to visit me in Darwin in February though so that would be great (and in return I will be constantly working, probably...our syncronisation skills are awesome...)!

Contemplating depressing things in life can only make me value the good things in life more so I'm sorry if the moping gets annoying. My entry went into a positive turn, didn't it? And besides...I don't do well when I bottle it all up. I always feel like I get a bit of a revelation after I let it all out. I realise I think these things because of the one thing that matters the most: Love. I worry about money because I love my parents. I stress about uni because I want to have a career doing what I love: music. I'm always sick because...because...haha...I don't know...I love too much, maybe? Hahahaha. As if you could ever love "too much"! As horribly cliché as it sounds, I believe love is really what makes the world go round. At least in my world, anyway.

Wow, that was painfully bad. I think I'll stop writing bad now. Not only was it bad, I gave love and worry/stress parallel meanings! That is a big no no!

I obviously need good quality sleep. Sleep time!
(Wow...what an anti-climating ending. I fail.)

Time finished: 0516
Listening: A single bird chirping haha.
Weather: All I know is...there is the one bird chirping outside. And it's cold.
Mood: Amused by my fail abilities to attempt thoughtful blogging.

Go to Sleep Now, Little Fool!

Time started: 01:59
Place: My room (Adelaide)
Listening to: "The Island:Come And See/The Landlord's Daughter/You'll Not Feel The Drowning" - The Decemberists (the title of this blog comes from a line in this song)
Weather: Not as cold as I anticipated it to be. Yay!
Mood: Artistic

I'm having strange sleeping patterns at the moment (I nap in 5 hour intervals) and right now I feel like I need to produce something, whether it'd be a drawing, or a blog.

I've decided a blog is an easier option. I'm lacking the energy to come up with anything artistic so I'll just go with half-hearted waffling instead.

I'm frustrated with my unproductiveness. These days all my body wants to do is lock up its joints and induce me to sleep all day...fitting 6 hours of piano practise a day is just not possible for me...
I'm trying very hard not to become depressed from this. Not being able to do what I'm supposed to do is really irritating and tiring...I do not want to head down the road of depression again. I'm sure I won't though. I know I'm emotionally a lot stronger than I used to be. I have a lot of help and support from those I love as well so I feel very blessed.

Random: My housemate just yelled "Are you denying that placentas have thoughts?!"...
Okay...sorry, just wanted to add that to show how strange my housemates are! Moving on!

Last Thursday I had to perform for Classical Forum. I have exceptional luck because two hours before my performance...I don't know how...but a huge gust of wind blew and managed to knock me over. I banged my right knee and sprained my left ankle. I've sprained my left ankle 12 times throughout my lifetime now. It's like it will never see better days ever again. Poor left ankle. I've abused you over the years! Forgive me! Argh! I'm talking to my ankle! Clearly I am losing my sanity. I'm not even sure if I've had it in the first place!
My performance was a disaster. I made wrong notes everywhere, and I very unprofessionally corrected my mistakes. The pieces had no flow. It was, quite frankly speaking, crap! Ahh well...I smiled and carried on. I got to the end and had fun anyway. I guess that's all that matters. The audience listened through it, at least!

I've spent the whole weekend being a bum pretty much. I think my sore legs have increased my fatigue with unrefreshing sleep, and lots of pain. I just put my legs up in hopes of them healing fast, which they are, thank goodness :).

Gosh, I am the biggest clutz in the world =P. At least I can laugh about it. That's probably why they're healing fast, because I'm not moping over the pain and letting them get me down. Okay...I am...BUT I LAUGH ABOUT IT AFTERWARDS! :(

Meh...this feels like a pointless and boring blog.
Um...I've listened to Mew's new album! It was an amazing music experience for me :). They're my favourite band and never fail to disappoint me. I don't want to write a review about their album now because I can't really express or justify how good I think it is and how much I love it with words.

Speaking of not being able to express loving something with words...I love you, LeLe. You help me and are there for me so much more than you'll ever know! Stop missing me so much! BE HAPPY! You'll hear so much from me you'll be SICK OF IT! >:0

Don't you just hate revealing your weaknesses?! I do =P. I think certain friends are going to use this to their advantage to tease me now =P. Ahaha...good ol' friends!

My teachers from different subjects are discussing my progress to each other. They're concerned about my low self-esteem. They tell me they worry about me. I'm touched they care about me. It makes me realise I should be careful with my attitude because people do care about me more than I realise and how I think and feel makes an impact on them even if it's only to a small degree. I really need to live by my own belief of being happy and making others happy because that is certainly true. If something bothers me, I won't hesitate to vent because from past experiences, I know it's unhealthy to bottle it up. However, I do not want to let my bothers bring me down anymore, or make it other people's problems. It's not fair...I feel like I'm making my problems Lucinda's problems too.

Well...I guess I've found a purpose to this blog entry now. I need to look after myself, sleep better, and stop worrying other people! RAR!
I am strong! I am strong! I am strong! Hell yeah I am! I CAN DUU EET!!!

Time finished: 2:47am
Listening to: "Sunsets" - Powderfinger
Mood: False confidence....meh!

Half-way through the Degree and waiting to go Home!

Time started: 13:40
Place: Still in my Adelaide room...dangit!
Listening to: "Best Day" - Carpark North
Weather: Freezing cold....ugh.
Mood: Euphoric

So I'm halfway through my degree! I can't believe how quickly time has flown by.
I think I'm doing well considering chronic fatigue syndrome. I'm getting decent grades. At times uni is overwhelming but I am learning to cope with it better and better :). I'm happy!
I think I've done well with my exams. The results aren't posted up yet but fingers-crossed, they will be soon. I felt like I knew what I was doing in the theory exam. I worked hard for my history essay on The Marriage of Figaro and the French Revolution for history. Pey Shin and I both had a ball playing Maurice Ravel's Mother Goose Suite for Chamber and the word of mouth is out that we did well. I didn't do as well as I wanted for my Classical Performance exam but I felt I did the best I could to give a good performance.

I gave my teacher, Lucinda a call a couple of nights ago. We had a discussion on my progress and she's starting to believe in me as a fine musician now. I worked so hard to show her that I deserved to be here and she's finally starting to see the musician in me now. :)
I was over the moon when she told me that I actually got my best result yet for my piano exam. This is great news for me because that means I got at least a Distinction! :D
I'm more happy about being recognised as a musician who enjoys what I'm doing than my grades though. I feel more confident and feel like I'm doing the right thing now.

Speaking of more good news...mum had her check up yesterday. She's given the all clear, can possibly start work again soon...and WE CAN FINALLY GO HOME! Right now I'm just waiting for the hospital to call me to confirm when mum and I are going home. They are taking a very long time to organise it. It's a little frustrating because mum and I are DYING to go home...

I took mum around Adelaide the past week. Pey Shin and I took her to Hahndorf and she enjoyed the scenery there. I also took her out to lunch yesterday and Steven joined us. We ate at Pancake Kitchen and she loved the Cajun chicken xD. We probably stayed there for more than an hour just chatting away about nonsense. And Steven, may I add that your haircut looks fine?! DON'T BE SAD ABOUT YOUR SHORT HAIR!

After lunch, and mum's check up, I took mum to the Botanical gardens and despite the cold, she enjoyed that too. She loved the flowers and trees. It was good to get her out of the house after being cooped up at home and at the hospital for so long. I think I may have exhausted her from all that walking though :S. Whoops...SORRY, MUM!

Speaking of more happiness...I am on a high from love. Eheheheh *blushes*.
I met his parents today. I was not expecting that, and I was nervous! However, they are very lovely! I liked them a lot!! I can see where he got his cuteness, humour and charm from =P. I am hoping I left them a good impression while being myself. It was only a brief little chat though since I was kind of distracting them from dinner...oops. It was a good little chat though :D. I'm still on a little high from it, hours later xD.

Right now I'm busy uploading photos onto Facebook of my Singapore/Malaysia trip. It's about time. I should've uploaded them months ago! Looking back at these photos makes me miss my family. I hope I get to see them again soon. I have a wonderful family! It's getting bigger too with the new generation blooming :). *Clucks* Eheheheh...

Oh, oh! As I write...I just got a call from the hospital. MUM AND I ARE GOING HOME ON SATURDAY!!!! YAAAAAAAY!!! *Bounces up and down*

I don't know what this blog is really meant to be about. I just want to post something happy. I wanted to post something that makes me feel like I've accomplished good things. It's hard to imagine that only two years ago I was the most depressed, pessimistic, and unhappy girl and now I'm a happy clam :). It goes to show how much I've tried to change the way I approach and think of life and grow up :). I'm pleased :). I'm not saying I never have my low moments now...evidently I still do from my last entry...but at least I know how to pick myself up and make the best out of everything now :). Life is too short to thrive on your mistakes, misfortunes, or unhappiness. You could be spending the time spent on thriving on being happy and accomplishing good things in life no matter how big or small. It's never impossible :).

Time finished: 17:13 (I got distracted...)
Listening to: "Marching Bands of Manhattan" - Death Cab for Cutie
Weather: Still cold...
Mood: Chirpy

Valuables

Time started: 17:50pm
Listening to: "Thanks for Your Time" - Gotye
Weather: Perfect!
Mood: Napping/Holiday mode.

Now I won't get into much detail of my holiday in Malaysia but it just made me realise how much I love my family. They are truly an amazing group of people and I just feel so fortunate to be part of it all.
Some of my cousins started having kids of their own and they're all such angels! Yes...spending time with my nieces and nephews have gotten me very clucky -.-;;. Leave me alone!

The holiday started in Singapore, then I went to Johor Bahru, took the bus to Taiping (my family's home time) and I got to see Pey Shin there for a day as well. She took me to the zoo :). I spent the first few days of Chinese New Year in Taiping. Our family was acting as rowdy as ever during this crazy festive season! My family spoiled mum and I greatly with lots and LOTS of good Malaysian food. After Taiping we spent about a week in Kuala Lumpur and spent the remaining Chinese new year there until we went back to Johor, then Singapore, where we departed to go back to Australia.

I took over 1000 photos and about 20 videos on this trip. Unfortunately, the heartbreaking thing is on the attempt of uploading them onto my computer, about 10% of them became corrupt files. I couldn't recover them. My favourite photos were amongst the corrupt and I was completely devastated. Irreplaceable images of my nieces and nephews and I were lost. Oh well...I will always treasure the memories I obtained with them :). I love my family so much and I miss them terribly. Hopefully I will save enough money to go back next year. I really want to go back again next year because it will be my paternal grandfather's 100th birthday. He's my only remaining grandparent left.

I will upload the photos onto my Facebook when I could be bothered. At the moment I'm just getting by the heavier workload of university this year. I'm going to set myself a higher standard for this year. I know I can do well...I just need to be motivated (which these days seem really hard...). I'm glad I have awesome friends at uni though that never fail to make me smile and laugh. It just makes going to uni all so that much easier. I love my friends so much!

I've noticed that lately I've been really thinking a lot about my future. I am all the more certain that I love my mother more and more. I am willing to take good care of her for the rest of her life. I know that much. Everything I am currently doing now, is all for her. I know this now. I may have taken my mother for granted a lot over the years but I hope she realises that she's the most important person in my life. I hope I get to give and provide her everything she deserves and more.

I've also finally met someone (surprising, isn't it?). Another thing I'm certain about is that he's very special and I'm determined to make it work. Nothing was intended but I don't regret anything. I know I'm being true to myself and I'm happy. That's all that matters.

Yeah...my life seems to have a direction this year. Many, in fact. Hopefully they all take me to where I want to be :). Right now I'm more than accepting. Everything happens for a reason.

Time finished: 18:08
Listening to: "Firefight" - Jimmy Eat World
Mood: Sleepy.

*Almost sees the light at the end of the tunnel*

Time started: 05:02
Listening to: Morning birds chirping away
Mood: A little more refreshed
Weather: Nice and cool but warm enough :D

I woke up at 4am and it is now 5am!

For the past few days I've been battling with chronic fatigue. I must've slept 20 hours a day for the past week and it was horrible trying to cope with keeping up with piano practise, completing contrapuntal analysis & composition assignment (which was the biggest Bitch with a capital B), writing up my essay for Music History and attempting to study for my Chauralation and Composition exam. I was feeling quite overwhelmed with the work load piling in all at once and not having the energy to live through it. However I'm glad to announce that I'm half way through it.

Yesterday I completed my contrapuntal assignment. I know that it was badly done and I finished it off with a rush but I DON'T CARE! IT'S DONE!! Far out...that was the gayest assignment for the entire year! My colleagues have been bitchin' and moaning about it too because it was so hard and time consuming (as well as brain cell consuming...). I probably spent 14 hours in total on EACH question and there were four of them (well...three, but one of them was divided into two parts). That's 56 HOURS ON THIS LITTLE PIECE OF ASSIGNMENT CRAP THAT WASN'T EVEN WORTH THAT MUCH! Okay...actually it was worth 12.5% which to me is quite a lot...but still........

Anyway...I also completed my Chauralation exam yesterday. What it is is just a singing exam, a component from Music History. It involves singing in a group and individual examination of modal singing as well as sight reading or atonal singing. I chose atonal singing. Overall I got 59/60 for my exam! I'm really happy about it! I lost the one mark from the group singing because our entries weren't really together. We only had two proper rehearsals though and they were quite rushed. Carl (the examiner) said that I was the only one so far to get full marks for the atonal melody. Woo! Maybe I'm some kind of singing genius! Hahaha...well, I could only dream. Well yeah...I'm just really happy about doing well in the exam because it means I got 29.5% out of 30% for the course. Right now I'm well over the High Distinction cut off for music history and just require 78% for my final essay to keep my High Distinction which I'm quite confident on achieving. I'm reasonably good at essays and I got 94% for last semester's essay so yeah :D.

I'm holding onto my happiness on Music History because I'm not doing particularly well this semester overall. I had a white wash of HD's last semester but this semester is probably going to be filled with Credits and my only HD will be for History. Contrapuntal Analysis & Composition exam is my only big hurdle now because I fear that I might actually fail it. I'm behind this course by about 8 weeks and done very little work on it. It's just such a boring subject involving compositing music using all these rules and numbers. It just seems to defeat the purpose of composing music for me. I know that J.S. Bach applied a lot of these rules and wrote great music but contrapuntal music BLAH! It doesn't mean that I have to! It's not like I'm going to be thinking about the rules and numbers of the music while I'm playing Bach! How is that going to help me make the music sound nice? That is beyond my comprehension...

Anyway...yeah...I'm worried about this course because yesterday Pey Shin was looking through my assignment before handing it in and she's noticed that I was doing everything wrong and asked me to study with her today. She's really good at this subject and I hope she can help me pass. If she does, I'll shout her laksa when we're in Malaysia! :D
I just wish the exam wasn't compulsory to pass...otherwise I'd be fine.

My contrapuntal exam is tomorrow (Wednesday) I also have to hand up my final essay for Music History and after that all I need to worry about is the piano exam which is Thursday next week. As long as I'm resting well and feeling energised, I should be able to do fine for the exam. I'm hoping I could pull a Distinction but I don't want to put such high expectations on myself and I'm more likely to pull a Credit. As long as I improve (which I am) and enjoy what I'm doing (which I am) then I'm happy.

Well...I can almost taste the end of the academic year and with my health struggles I'm just glad it's almost over! Not long til I'm home back in Darwin...then off to Malaysia with my mum to see my family! I'm also looking forward to a fresh new start for next year too :).

I wish anyone else who's stressing out about exams and assignments at this time of the year the best of luck and hope they pull through physically and emotionally!

Time finished: 05:26
Mood: Motivated
Weather: Still the same

Writing an Essay is like Proving the Value of 'x'!

Time started: 01:11
Listening to: The whirring of my external hard drive.
Weather: Overcast and fairly warm.
Mood: Exhausted/Somewhat stressed/Somewhat apathetic/Restless.

A lot has happened between the time I posted my last post to the point I am writing this post now...but I'll get to the stuff that has happened another time...right now I want to write about this:

I had a revelation as I was proof reading my friend's essay tonight.

Essay writing is like proving the value of x in an algebraic equation. Symbolically, this is how an essay should be along the lines of:

Essay topic: What is the value of x?

Intro: x + y + z = 16
y = 2
z = 6
People ponder over the value of x all the time but knowing algebra does wonders. For this equation, with the rules of algebra, and the given values, the conclusion can be drawn that the value of x is 8.

Body: If y = 2 and z = 6 then we know that x + 2 + 6 = 16.
2 + 6 = 8 thus x + 8 = 16
x = 16 - 8
x = 8. EUREKA!!!

Conclusion: Knowing the values of y and z in this equation is essential. Without these values, going through algebraic process to solve x is not possible. The world would be a better place if we all just stated unknown values...and if assessment tasks and exams in education is optional only . X = 8, BIATCHES!



This is what my friend's essay is like:

Intro: x is solved like this...this and this...
But wait....the equation is x + y + z = 16!
y = 2. It is also the letter in the beginning of the words "yesterday", "you" and "yuck"!
z = 6. If you turned the letter 90 degrees, it would resemble a capital N! Not many people look at z in this kind of perspective!
x = 8 but it could be also be 4 + 4 since 4 + 4 = 8.

Body: 4 + 4 = 8. It's a scientifically proven fact, okay?!
Some people think x = 4 + 4.
x + 8 = 16 because the laws of algebra leads the equation to evolve to this state.
y = 2 suggests that x is 8.
z = 6 also suggests that x is 8.
OH! X = 16 - 8!
It seems to be that x = 8.
x could also be 4 + 4 since 4 + 4 = 16 - 8 is also true.
But it seems more likely that x = 8.

Conclusion:
x is a value unlike any other! Word.



Yep...I need a holiday.
I'm tired.
I do the strangest things when I'm tired...

2 ASSIGNMENTS DOWN, 2 MORE TO GO!
2 EXAMS DOWN, 3 MORE TO GO!

All within the next 12 days...fuuuuuun.

12 DAYS TIL UNI IS OVER FOR THIS YEAR!
14 DAYS TIL DARWIN!

WEEEEEEEE!

Time finished: 01:24am
Mood: GARGH! I JUST WANT IT ALL TO BE OVER!