Time started: 11:45
Place: My room (Darwin)
Listening to: Monsoonal rain outside
Weather: Monsoonal rain
Mood: Useless
I'm home in Darwin. Christmas was alright. New Year sucked. I worked.
Sometimes I wish my parents could read....I know that's a horrible thing to say...but I feel so pressured to help them out all the time and they don't even appreciate it.
Today I'm stressed because mum got her package of her central locking remote for her car which I helped her order. She screams at me after opening the package saying "YOU GOT THE WRONG ONE! IT'S NOT THE SAME!" Of course it's the same, it just doesn't have the side coverings because you're supposed to use the old existing one. I told her this and even showed her the model number....it's exactly the same. And she calls me a "stupid, smelly cunt" in Chinese in the process as per usual. Pardon my language...
Later, she believes me for a while, but starts checking over it again with her half blindness. And screams at me again saying the numbers are not the same. I scream back to put her glasses on and stop assuming I'm stupid and useless.
Today she wanted me to help out my uncle to get him a washing machine because he's old and almost blind and deaf. The problem is, today is the last day I have to proof read Meiling's essay for college in the states. Mum's sister, my aunt, Meiling's mum, called her and cried about it worrying Meiling will fail so mum is also like "you have so much spare time! Teach Meiling English!" And so I told her I have to help Meiling today and she's like "You're so ungrateful, you just don't want to help your uncle!"
I'm thinking wtf....Meiling has to hand in her essay like a couple of hours from now! It's pissing outside! She expects me to drive my uncle around all of Darwin in this weather without her freaking out?!
And then my dad calls while I'm helping Meiling, and it's just to ask if I can help him buy model cars on ebay!
I spent 9 hours 2 days ago helping Meiling write her bloody essay and mum goes I'm not practicing piano....Then I practice piano and she's like I'm stopping her from watching tv....
And last night I go out with friends and I was home before midnight and she complains that I'm enjoying myself too much with my friends and I got home far too late and it was the first time I've even seen them all holidays! My lift home was Erin. She expects my friends to jeopardise their time for me to get home early for mum? If that was what she wanted she could've at least let me drive there! What does she expect?
Also, I can't do Honours at uni because mum can't wait for me that long....I really wanted to do Honours....but I have to come home and work and support her because she can't read and she's broke and needs me to look after her...it's fair enough, she does need me, she is sick and stuff...but I'm just bloody sick of her stressing me out like it's the end of the world every 5 minutes and screaming at me calling me a stupid, smelly cunt in Chinese...
She blames her behaviour on menopause. Well I know plenty of other women out there going through menopause...and they don't scream at their daughter every five minutes over nothing and calling them horrible things...
One day dad called, and she picked up, and she immediately screamed at him "I'M SLEEPING, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT! YOU'RE A NUISANCE!"
And she wonders why dad chucked a hissy fit at her....
And it was 2pm, it wasn't like an unreasonable time for him to call...
My dad's not much better. He only calls me when he wants me to help him purchase model cars on ebay or when he needs something...nice to see you too, dad...
He comes to our home, using up my time, my computer, my internet, my paypal account for me to help him order some vintage Matchbox model car that only ships to the US. What's worse is he is using Levon to get the model car shipped to his PO box before forwarding the parcel to my dad...Levon...my boyfriend...using him...
I get mad at dad and he accuses me of not wanting to help him...
I tell mum that I want to visit Levon some time this year and that his parents really want to meet me and I want to meet them and she goes "you enjoy life too much, you should focus on uni..."
And I'm like "Well if you want Levon in my future then you should let me visit him instead of making us see us once every two years!"
You know...life would just be a lot better if my parents knew how to read...either that or I had a couple of other siblings to share the weight on my shoulders...there's only so much stress I can handle.
I'm not perfect but I'm most certainly not a "stupid smelly cunt" as my mother would always call me when I don't quite make it up to her standards. I know I'm wrong a lot of the time but that never gave her the right to put me down like this. I happen to have feelings in case she didn't notice...I would happily help her out with everything if she didn't complain so much. It's not that much to ask...
Time finished: 12:12
Listening to: the clicking of the fan
Mood: Teary
Showing posts with label worry. Show all posts
Showing posts with label worry. Show all posts
Monday, January 10, 2011
Sunday, August 30, 2009
What Really Makes the World Go Round?
Time started: 0419 (yeah...I'm having trouble sleeping)
Place: My room (Adelaide)
Listening to: Nothing...surprise...
Weather: Cold but calm at least
Mood: Uneasy but settling
I just thought I'd post this since a couple of people close to me have noticed I've been very down and not myself so I guess I should explain what's constantly on my mind right now.
You know...money matters in this world more than I'd like it to. It's depressing. The world goes through more complex systems and lifestyles as time progresses. Just thinking about it makes me so tired. Simplicity in life is non-existent these days. Not even children these days can live their lives simply like children should because of the ever changing fears of the society and political correctness. Is it really a surprise that the rate of depression is constantly growing? Is it not scary? Thinking about the standard life for the contemporary individuals just frustrates me because I see so little meaning in life. Well, not quite. There is meaning in life. There always has been and there always will be, but everything around completely blinds us from it whether it'd be money, media, competition, expectations, deadlines, rules and regulations...anything.
I feel very pressured and anxious in more ways than one. The Government is allowing my mum only a year to recuperate her health after her aneurysm because she recovered remarkably well. After that they want her to go back to work, completely ignoring the several Doctor recommendations simply because she still has arms and limbs to move around and work. If only they knew how serious her condition really was. The surgeon specifically told me if she has an aneurysm again which is very possible, she WILL die.
Do I want her to go back to work again? Most definitely not! I will not allow it!
So I have come to terms with me having to study part time next year so I have room to work to help support her. I am originally really against that idea since I have already done two years of Biomedical Science beforehand and adding to the Music degree I am getting very tired of studying and just want to graduate and work full-time. However given the circumstances, I have no choice. My mother's health is the number one priority right now. I must do it. I'd be glad to do it. Besides...for all the years she's had to work off blood, sweat and tears for me, it's only fair.
My dad has something like a $30,000 debt from over-using his credit cards. My dad is a compulsive shopper and loves to spoil himself rotten. Not only that, he's getting kicked out of his apartment soon because he's no longer a suitable tennant since the village he lives in is really meant for the retired which he is not. My dad hasn't really been in a major part of my life but I figured he doesn't have anyone but me so I should help him out too. He may not be the father figure but he still loves me and of course, I love him too. He's simply still just a kid who just needs someone who loves him.
For the past couple of days I've been applying for jobs for Summer Vacation. I currently just got offered a temporary job for the Australian Electoral Commission to do some data entry online which is great because I can work at home and get paid decently. It's not enough to support my parents and me completely but it's a great start! I emailed the director asking him if there's any vacancies for me. He had to dig deep and fish out this small task for me during his intensively busy schedule which I really appreciate. I know him personally since I've worked for the AEC before during the federal election and he was impressed with my hard work.
I need to stop worrying because the more I worry, the sicker and more tired I get. I've been horribly slack the past few days from being so tired and it's stressing me out because I am very behind my piano practise for uni now. It's frustrating when I'm constantly getting fevers and just want to sleep every half hour I'm awake. It's probably a mental thing. I need to be stronger but everything is just putting me down right now and I'm really trying to pick myself up but I just don't know how. I don't have the confidence. I'm frightened. I over-think everything. Being sick should never be an excuse to stop me from doing what I need to do and I'm really tired of constantly using it as an excuse. I'm scared that it's depression. These past few days I can't stop crying, being irrationally snappy and have so much trouble getting out of bed but now as I write this entry I've just realised that I spend a ridiculous amount of time just worrying. It doesn't help when he's out of touch for a bit either. Not his fault. I just miss him a lot. Blargh.
Time can be so easily spent on things you wish you never did but when you realise this...it's too late. That time you've wasted is gone. This concept can apply to life in so many ways. On one hand, time is short so you never want to waste it on doing something unproductive and never getting what you need to get done, done. On the other hand, since time is short, this also means life is short, so why use up all the short time to do something that worries you and stresses you out instead of enjoying yourself? *Sigh* see? The standard life is a constant battle between doing what you want to do, and doing what you need to do. Your wants and needs very rarely coincide. So what should one do? One could only worry...and be awake worrying...and write a worrying blog. Joy.
Well...on a happier note I've decided both mum and I work too hard and worry too much so I've booked flights for the both of us to go to Sydney in December. It's been a while since my mum's had a holiday just for the sake of a holiday. Malaysia didn't really count because she really only went back to reactivate her bank account and get some legal documentations of my grandmother's Will. Sydney will be fun since we both don't know much about it so we'll just explore, get lost, possibly drive each other insane =P. I'll get to see my best friend, Shan Shan too who I haven't seen for two years so it will be nice (even though she's going to be constantly working...*sigh*). She's going to try to visit me in Darwin in February though so that would be great (and in return I will be constantly working, probably...our syncronisation skills are awesome...)!
Contemplating depressing things in life can only make me value the good things in life more so I'm sorry if the moping gets annoying. My entry went into a positive turn, didn't it? And besides...I don't do well when I bottle it all up. I always feel like I get a bit of a revelation after I let it all out. I realise I think these things because of the one thing that matters the most: Love. I worry about money because I love my parents. I stress about uni because I want to have a career doing what I love: music. I'm always sick because...because...haha...I don't know...I love too much, maybe? Hahahaha. As if you could ever love "too much"! As horribly cliché as it sounds, I believe love is really what makes the world go round. At least in my world, anyway.
Wow, that was painfully bad. I think I'll stop writing bad now. Not only was it bad, I gave love and worry/stress parallel meanings! That is a big no no!
I obviously need good quality sleep. Sleep time!
(Wow...what an anti-climating ending. I fail.)
Time finished: 0516
Listening: A single bird chirping haha.
Weather: All I know is...there is the one bird chirping outside. And it's cold.
Mood: Amused by my fail abilities to attempt thoughtful blogging.
Place: My room (Adelaide)
Listening to: Nothing...surprise...
Weather: Cold but calm at least
Mood: Uneasy but settling
I just thought I'd post this since a couple of people close to me have noticed I've been very down and not myself so I guess I should explain what's constantly on my mind right now.
You know...money matters in this world more than I'd like it to. It's depressing. The world goes through more complex systems and lifestyles as time progresses. Just thinking about it makes me so tired. Simplicity in life is non-existent these days. Not even children these days can live their lives simply like children should because of the ever changing fears of the society and political correctness. Is it really a surprise that the rate of depression is constantly growing? Is it not scary? Thinking about the standard life for the contemporary individuals just frustrates me because I see so little meaning in life. Well, not quite. There is meaning in life. There always has been and there always will be, but everything around completely blinds us from it whether it'd be money, media, competition, expectations, deadlines, rules and regulations...anything.
I feel very pressured and anxious in more ways than one. The Government is allowing my mum only a year to recuperate her health after her aneurysm because she recovered remarkably well. After that they want her to go back to work, completely ignoring the several Doctor recommendations simply because she still has arms and limbs to move around and work. If only they knew how serious her condition really was. The surgeon specifically told me if she has an aneurysm again which is very possible, she WILL die.
Do I want her to go back to work again? Most definitely not! I will not allow it!
So I have come to terms with me having to study part time next year so I have room to work to help support her. I am originally really against that idea since I have already done two years of Biomedical Science beforehand and adding to the Music degree I am getting very tired of studying and just want to graduate and work full-time. However given the circumstances, I have no choice. My mother's health is the number one priority right now. I must do it. I'd be glad to do it. Besides...for all the years she's had to work off blood, sweat and tears for me, it's only fair.
My dad has something like a $30,000 debt from over-using his credit cards. My dad is a compulsive shopper and loves to spoil himself rotten. Not only that, he's getting kicked out of his apartment soon because he's no longer a suitable tennant since the village he lives in is really meant for the retired which he is not. My dad hasn't really been in a major part of my life but I figured he doesn't have anyone but me so I should help him out too. He may not be the father figure but he still loves me and of course, I love him too. He's simply still just a kid who just needs someone who loves him.
For the past couple of days I've been applying for jobs for Summer Vacation. I currently just got offered a temporary job for the Australian Electoral Commission to do some data entry online which is great because I can work at home and get paid decently. It's not enough to support my parents and me completely but it's a great start! I emailed the director asking him if there's any vacancies for me. He had to dig deep and fish out this small task for me during his intensively busy schedule which I really appreciate. I know him personally since I've worked for the AEC before during the federal election and he was impressed with my hard work.
I need to stop worrying because the more I worry, the sicker and more tired I get. I've been horribly slack the past few days from being so tired and it's stressing me out because I am very behind my piano practise for uni now. It's frustrating when I'm constantly getting fevers and just want to sleep every half hour I'm awake. It's probably a mental thing. I need to be stronger but everything is just putting me down right now and I'm really trying to pick myself up but I just don't know how. I don't have the confidence. I'm frightened. I over-think everything. Being sick should never be an excuse to stop me from doing what I need to do and I'm really tired of constantly using it as an excuse. I'm scared that it's depression. These past few days I can't stop crying, being irrationally snappy and have so much trouble getting out of bed but now as I write this entry I've just realised that I spend a ridiculous amount of time just worrying. It doesn't help when he's out of touch for a bit either. Not his fault. I just miss him a lot. Blargh.
Time can be so easily spent on things you wish you never did but when you realise this...it's too late. That time you've wasted is gone. This concept can apply to life in so many ways. On one hand, time is short so you never want to waste it on doing something unproductive and never getting what you need to get done, done. On the other hand, since time is short, this also means life is short, so why use up all the short time to do something that worries you and stresses you out instead of enjoying yourself? *Sigh* see? The standard life is a constant battle between doing what you want to do, and doing what you need to do. Your wants and needs very rarely coincide. So what should one do? One could only worry...and be awake worrying...and write a worrying blog. Joy.
Well...on a happier note I've decided both mum and I work too hard and worry too much so I've booked flights for the both of us to go to Sydney in December. It's been a while since my mum's had a holiday just for the sake of a holiday. Malaysia didn't really count because she really only went back to reactivate her bank account and get some legal documentations of my grandmother's Will. Sydney will be fun since we both don't know much about it so we'll just explore, get lost, possibly drive each other insane =P. I'll get to see my best friend, Shan Shan too who I haven't seen for two years so it will be nice (even though she's going to be constantly working...*sigh*). She's going to try to visit me in Darwin in February though so that would be great (and in return I will be constantly working, probably...our syncronisation skills are awesome...)!
Contemplating depressing things in life can only make me value the good things in life more so I'm sorry if the moping gets annoying. My entry went into a positive turn, didn't it? And besides...I don't do well when I bottle it all up. I always feel like I get a bit of a revelation after I let it all out. I realise I think these things because of the one thing that matters the most: Love. I worry about money because I love my parents. I stress about uni because I want to have a career doing what I love: music. I'm always sick because...because...haha...I don't know...I love too much, maybe? Hahahaha. As if you could ever love "too much"! As horribly cliché as it sounds, I believe love is really what makes the world go round. At least in my world, anyway.
Wow, that was painfully bad. I think I'll stop writing bad now. Not only was it bad, I gave love and worry/stress parallel meanings! That is a big no no!
I obviously need good quality sleep. Sleep time!
(Wow...what an anti-climating ending. I fail.)
Time finished: 0516
Listening: A single bird chirping haha.
Weather: All I know is...there is the one bird chirping outside. And it's cold.
Mood: Amused by my fail abilities to attempt thoughtful blogging.
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