Chocolate

Time started: 05:18

Place: My room (Wattle Park)
Weather: Cold but fine

Mood: Restless

There's always too much of a good thing...
I went to Cocolat with some friends tonight at about 10pm and probably had too much chocolate. Had iced mocha and Tiramisu.

Now I can't sleep.

Note to self for future reference: Never have chocolate past 9pm at night...

Time finished: 05:20

Separation Anxiety

Time started: 01:29
Place: My room (Wattle Park)
Listening to: Nothing
Weather: Warm
Mood: Yearning

I try not to cry...but I miss him so much.
I'm scared this isn't going to work...

God, please help me :(.

Time finished: 01:31

Toss and Turn

Time started: 02:54
Place: My room (Wattle Park)
Listening to: Silence
Mood: Restless

My daily routine is worrying about not having enough time.
Not having enough time to practise and learn all my pieces, to sleep, or do things that keep me sane.

It's ironic that I keep myself awake to give myself more time, yet the efficiency of my performance is decreased dramatically. Not surprising at the least.

So what is the balance? I'm struggling to find it. I'm feeling the unhealthy lethargic phase again. I took up Bikram yoga, and I love it. So far it's not helping though. I just end up feeling more tired...

Why am I tired? I've tried praying. I eat well. I'm thinking more rationally while I'm stressing about studies, I don't know...

I'm just so burned out.

I went to bed at 9pm because I was unable to keep myself awake any longer. I woke up at midnight and was not happy about that because I was hoping to have refreshing sleep til 6 or 7 to practise in the morning before my first piano lesson for this term. I tossed and turned in bed til 2am. It is now 3am and here I am updating this blog with another depressing, negative entry.

There are some positives in my life though. I've been hanging out with Matthew and Kenan a lot. We'd often be at Matt's place baking cakes, watching movies, acting in the most bizarre and immature way possible. They've given me many memories to look back upon for my university life. These memories will definitely override the stress and torment I've had studying the piano.

I can't wait til the end. I've worked so far for it. Life will be kind to me after all this hard work. It will pay off. I need this motivation to get me through. All this will be worth it in the end.

Time finished: 03:12
Mood: A little more fired up

An Emotional Ritual

Time started: 23:15
Place: My room (Wattle Park, Adelaide)
Listening to: Nothing
Weather: Cold and rainy
Mood: Lonely

I was meant to go to sleep two hours ago. I stayed up to watch a couple of movies instead.
Now I have come to the terms that I'm just not settling to go to sleep.
I have a 10am start tomorrow, and university doesn't finish til 9:30pm for me. Wednesdays suck...
Laying here missing you sucks more.
No matter how tired or busy I am, I can't stop missing you.
Feeling sad and alone has become an emotional ritual for me every night before I sleep...that can't be good for me...

Time finished: 23:14
Mood: Tired

What Really Makes the World Go Round?

Time started: 0419 (yeah...I'm having trouble sleeping)
Place: My room (Adelaide)
Listening to: Nothing...surprise...
Weather: Cold but calm at least
Mood: Uneasy but settling

I just thought I'd post this since a couple of people close to me have noticed I've been very down and not myself so I guess I should explain what's constantly on my mind right now.

You know...money matters in this world more than I'd like it to. It's depressing. The world goes through more complex systems and lifestyles as time progresses. Just thinking about it makes me so tired. Simplicity in life is non-existent these days. Not even children these days can live their lives simply like children should because of the ever changing fears of the society and political correctness. Is it really a surprise that the rate of depression is constantly growing? Is it not scary? Thinking about the standard life for the contemporary individuals just frustrates me because I see so little meaning in life. Well, not quite. There is meaning in life. There always has been and there always will be, but everything around completely blinds us from it whether it'd be money, media, competition, expectations, deadlines, rules and regulations...anything.

I feel very pressured and anxious in more ways than one. The Government is allowing my mum only a year to recuperate her health after her aneurysm because she recovered remarkably well. After that they want her to go back to work, completely ignoring the several Doctor recommendations simply because she still has arms and limbs to move around and work. If only they knew how serious her condition really was. The surgeon specifically told me if she has an aneurysm again which is very possible, she WILL die.
Do I want her to go back to work again? Most definitely not! I will not allow it!

So I have come to terms with me having to study part time next year so I have room to work to help support her. I am originally really against that idea since I have already done two years of Biomedical Science beforehand and adding to the Music degree I am getting very tired of studying and just want to graduate and work full-time. However given the circumstances, I have no choice. My mother's health is the number one priority right now. I must do it. I'd be glad to do it. Besides...for all the years she's had to work off blood, sweat and tears for me, it's only fair.

My dad has something like a $30,000 debt from over-using his credit cards. My dad is a compulsive shopper and loves to spoil himself rotten. Not only that, he's getting kicked out of his apartment soon because he's no longer a suitable tennant since the village he lives in is really meant for the retired which he is not. My dad hasn't really been in a major part of my life but I figured he doesn't have anyone but me so I should help him out too. He may not be the father figure but he still loves me and of course, I love him too. He's simply still just a kid who just needs someone who loves him.

For the past couple of days I've been applying for jobs for Summer Vacation. I currently just got offered a temporary job for the Australian Electoral Commission to do some data entry online which is great because I can work at home and get paid decently. It's not enough to support my parents and me completely but it's a great start! I emailed the director asking him if there's any vacancies for me. He had to dig deep and fish out this small task for me during his intensively busy schedule which I really appreciate. I know him personally since I've worked for the AEC before during the federal election and he was impressed with my hard work.

I need to stop worrying because the more I worry, the sicker and more tired I get. I've been horribly slack the past few days from being so tired and it's stressing me out because I am very behind my piano practise for uni now. It's frustrating when I'm constantly getting fevers and just want to sleep every half hour I'm awake. It's probably a mental thing. I need to be stronger but everything is just putting me down right now and I'm really trying to pick myself up but I just don't know how. I don't have the confidence. I'm frightened. I over-think everything. Being sick should never be an excuse to stop me from doing what I need to do and I'm really tired of constantly using it as an excuse. I'm scared that it's depression. These past few days I can't stop crying, being irrationally snappy and have so much trouble getting out of bed but now as I write this entry I've just realised that I spend a ridiculous amount of time just worrying. It doesn't help when he's out of touch for a bit either. Not his fault. I just miss him a lot. Blargh.

Time can be so easily spent on things you wish you never did but when you realise this...it's too late. That time you've wasted is gone. This concept can apply to life in so many ways. On one hand, time is short so you never want to waste it on doing something unproductive and never getting what you need to get done, done. On the other hand, since time is short, this also means life is short, so why use up all the short time to do something that worries you and stresses you out instead of enjoying yourself? *Sigh* see? The standard life is a constant battle between doing what you want to do, and doing what you need to do. Your wants and needs very rarely coincide. So what should one do? One could only worry...and be awake worrying...and write a worrying blog. Joy.

Well...on a happier note I've decided both mum and I work too hard and worry too much so I've booked flights for the both of us to go to Sydney in December. It's been a while since my mum's had a holiday just for the sake of a holiday. Malaysia didn't really count because she really only went back to reactivate her bank account and get some legal documentations of my grandmother's Will. Sydney will be fun since we both don't know much about it so we'll just explore, get lost, possibly drive each other insane =P. I'll get to see my best friend, Shan Shan too who I haven't seen for two years so it will be nice (even though she's going to be constantly working...*sigh*). She's going to try to visit me in Darwin in February though so that would be great (and in return I will be constantly working, probably...our syncronisation skills are awesome...)!

Contemplating depressing things in life can only make me value the good things in life more so I'm sorry if the moping gets annoying. My entry went into a positive turn, didn't it? And besides...I don't do well when I bottle it all up. I always feel like I get a bit of a revelation after I let it all out. I realise I think these things because of the one thing that matters the most: Love. I worry about money because I love my parents. I stress about uni because I want to have a career doing what I love: music. I'm always sick because...because...haha...I don't know...I love too much, maybe? Hahahaha. As if you could ever love "too much"! As horribly cliché as it sounds, I believe love is really what makes the world go round. At least in my world, anyway.

Wow, that was painfully bad. I think I'll stop writing bad now. Not only was it bad, I gave love and worry/stress parallel meanings! That is a big no no!

I obviously need good quality sleep. Sleep time!
(Wow...what an anti-climating ending. I fail.)

Time finished: 0516
Listening: A single bird chirping haha.
Weather: All I know is...there is the one bird chirping outside. And it's cold.
Mood: Amused by my fail abilities to attempt thoughtful blogging.

Go to Sleep Now, Little Fool!

Time started: 01:59
Place: My room (Adelaide)
Listening to: "The Island:Come And See/The Landlord's Daughter/You'll Not Feel The Drowning" - The Decemberists (the title of this blog comes from a line in this song)
Weather: Not as cold as I anticipated it to be. Yay!
Mood: Artistic

I'm having strange sleeping patterns at the moment (I nap in 5 hour intervals) and right now I feel like I need to produce something, whether it'd be a drawing, or a blog.

I've decided a blog is an easier option. I'm lacking the energy to come up with anything artistic so I'll just go with half-hearted waffling instead.

I'm frustrated with my unproductiveness. These days all my body wants to do is lock up its joints and induce me to sleep all day...fitting 6 hours of piano practise a day is just not possible for me...
I'm trying very hard not to become depressed from this. Not being able to do what I'm supposed to do is really irritating and tiring...I do not want to head down the road of depression again. I'm sure I won't though. I know I'm emotionally a lot stronger than I used to be. I have a lot of help and support from those I love as well so I feel very blessed.

Random: My housemate just yelled "Are you denying that placentas have thoughts?!"...
Okay...sorry, just wanted to add that to show how strange my housemates are! Moving on!

Last Thursday I had to perform for Classical Forum. I have exceptional luck because two hours before my performance...I don't know how...but a huge gust of wind blew and managed to knock me over. I banged my right knee and sprained my left ankle. I've sprained my left ankle 12 times throughout my lifetime now. It's like it will never see better days ever again. Poor left ankle. I've abused you over the years! Forgive me! Argh! I'm talking to my ankle! Clearly I am losing my sanity. I'm not even sure if I've had it in the first place!
My performance was a disaster. I made wrong notes everywhere, and I very unprofessionally corrected my mistakes. The pieces had no flow. It was, quite frankly speaking, crap! Ahh well...I smiled and carried on. I got to the end and had fun anyway. I guess that's all that matters. The audience listened through it, at least!

I've spent the whole weekend being a bum pretty much. I think my sore legs have increased my fatigue with unrefreshing sleep, and lots of pain. I just put my legs up in hopes of them healing fast, which they are, thank goodness :).

Gosh, I am the biggest clutz in the world =P. At least I can laugh about it. That's probably why they're healing fast, because I'm not moping over the pain and letting them get me down. Okay...I am...BUT I LAUGH ABOUT IT AFTERWARDS! :(

Meh...this feels like a pointless and boring blog.
Um...I've listened to Mew's new album! It was an amazing music experience for me :). They're my favourite band and never fail to disappoint me. I don't want to write a review about their album now because I can't really express or justify how good I think it is and how much I love it with words.

Speaking of not being able to express loving something with words...I love you, LeLe. You help me and are there for me so much more than you'll ever know! Stop missing me so much! BE HAPPY! You'll hear so much from me you'll be SICK OF IT! >:0

Don't you just hate revealing your weaknesses?! I do =P. I think certain friends are going to use this to their advantage to tease me now =P. Ahaha...good ol' friends!

My teachers from different subjects are discussing my progress to each other. They're concerned about my low self-esteem. They tell me they worry about me. I'm touched they care about me. It makes me realise I should be careful with my attitude because people do care about me more than I realise and how I think and feel makes an impact on them even if it's only to a small degree. I really need to live by my own belief of being happy and making others happy because that is certainly true. If something bothers me, I won't hesitate to vent because from past experiences, I know it's unhealthy to bottle it up. However, I do not want to let my bothers bring me down anymore, or make it other people's problems. It's not fair...I feel like I'm making my problems Lucinda's problems too.

Well...I guess I've found a purpose to this blog entry now. I need to look after myself, sleep better, and stop worrying other people! RAR!
I am strong! I am strong! I am strong! Hell yeah I am! I CAN DUU EET!!!

Time finished: 2:47am
Listening to: "Sunsets" - Powderfinger
Mood: False confidence....meh!

Catchin' up!

Time started: 02:35
Listening to: "Leif Erikson" - Interpol
Weather: Cold
Mood: A little overwhelmed

Today (or rather, yesterday) has all been about catching up. In the morning I was awoken by the sound of the beeping and the vibrations of my mobile phone, screaming to me that I have been sent a text message. It was a pleasant surprise to see that the message was from Lee-Ann, a girl I did Human Physiology with last year. She was one of the very first people I've been acquainted with since I came to Adelaide and has made me feel very welcome here. Her text message was to arrange for us to meet up and have lunch. I agreed and it was on like Donkey Kong, excited to see a familiar face I haven't seen for a while.

On my way to uni, I took many snapshots of my surroundings as I walked through the Road of Honour, one of the scenic routes to uni from the train station. The new camera in my hands, allowing me to take pictures of phenomenal picture quality gave me a buzz. I haven't taken photos of my surroundings just for the sake of taking photos for so long, and my deviantArt gallery has been somewhat neglected for several months because of this. Taking photos has made me feel alive again.

I arrived at the meeting place at the time arranged. I sat by the tables and chairs outside the Unibooks store and just sat there, feeling content, and watching the students walk by as I fiddled with my camera, looking at the world through the lenses. Despite being a little wet, it was a beautiful day. Being autumn, the leaves were bursting in colour, the air was cold and crisp and birds were flocking together all around. I sat there and snapped away at the uni grounds, waiting for Lee-Ann. She arrived at the sight of my face being hidden behind my camera. For a moment she completely missed me. I guess she has never seen this side of me before, seeing as I was only a Biomedical Science student for six weeks to her last year. We decided to dine at "The Café" at the Medical School. Lee-Ann knew nothing about this cafe, and thanks to Adrian who showed me this café a couple of weeks ago, I was able to give her the luxury of discovering this wonderful little café. We both had chicken burger with chips which was nice and fresh, and as we sat there and ate we reminisced about the short six weeks I had of studying Biomedical Science at this uni and talked about ourselves and discovered more about each other. I have discovered that Lee-Ann is genuinely compassionate, friendly and caring. It was a nice feeling knowing someone like her. I remembered when I went through the crisis of dropping out of the course last year and going through depression once more, although Lee-Ann hardly knew me, she still gave me her support. She rang me up to see if I was okay and offered her help. To me, that is a truly amazing quality in a person, being able to open up and lend your hands to a new person so willingly. It was unfortunate that we lost contact for several months after I left and went home to Darwin again. I had a tough time making friends in Adelaide and Lee-Ann certainly offered her friendship. I am glad that I was able to form contacts with her again and have had lunch with her today.

The short hour soon flew by and it was time for her to go back to class. As we said our goodbyes I felt like I've accomplished something good for myself. I gained a bit more confidence in opening up to people that I have found so incredibly difficult to do in the past year.

After the meeting with Lee-Ann, I walked myself to the River Torrens, just off the grounds of the University of Adelaide. To my disappointment, the sky was still incredibly grey and cloudy but there were some openings of blue skies here and there. I snapped away at my surroundings. I took dozens of photos of the river, the trees, the birds, and buildings. I had so much fun spying on the birds from afar with my camera's impressive zoom. At that point I remembered why I love photography so much. I felt the freedom of pushing the button and capturing moments of nature's beauty. The camera is truly a wonderful thing. Although I am nowhere near a prodigy at developing photos of impressive art, I am slowly learning and discovering ways of putting in the spice of life in my photos. Slowly...
Hopefully one day I can snap photos so beautiful, many people around the world will love and enjoy them. So in this aspect of taking photos, I was catching up on my artistic hobby and my standards of which.

I must've snapped away at that one spot for over an hour, so I started heading back to the busier part of the city. I decided that I needed a decent camera bag to put my camera in. Having it hang around my neck all the time just wouldn't do. I got to look after this beautiful camera and make sure it lasts for life. I went to a camera store at Rundle Mall and found a bag big enough to fit my camera, my spare battery and memory card, the USB cord, AND my two mobile phones in. It was a good bag. It had an adjustable strap that I could put around my body and have the bag hanging at my hips for my convenience to carry around. It was great. It's silly to think that I could get good vibes from a camera bag, but I did. It gave me such good vibes, I walked out of the store smiling with my beloved new camera tucked snuggly in my new camera bag.

I soon decided I spent enough time out of the house so I took the train home. As soon as I got home, I just crashed and did some catching up on sleep. Over the holidays I have not slept well at all due to sickness so I have a big sleep debt to pay.

When I woke up from my pleasant afternoon slumber, I did a bit of catching up practise on the piano. I had difficulty accommodating time to practise over the holidays so I had to get cracking with my Bach's Prelude & Fugue no. 15. Unfortunately, I didn't learn many new bars and I still have a lot to catch up with. I am not looking forward to Lucinda's upcoming disappointment in my next lesson. I want so much to impress her but I have yet to do so.

In less than 12 hours I have to take my leave to Adrian's 21st birthday. I am stressed out to the max on what clothes to wear because according to him, the place we are dining for dinner has a very strict dress code. Being a poor, unfashionable university girl, I have no nice clothes to wear. One must leave home early and go shopping before attending the event. Gosh, I hate clothes shopping. I never know what to look for, neither do I do nice clothes any justice when I wear them. I don't think I make any piece of clothing look good with my odd and plump features. Oh well. It probably won't help with me staying up and giving myself big black, sleepy bags around my eyes when I wake up in the morning, either so I guess I'll go to bed now.

Time finished: 03:22
Listening to: "Ole Black 'n' Blue Eyes" - The Fratellis
Mood: Exhausted

Getting the results!

Time started: 02:12
Listening to: "Everything To Gain" - Fischerspooner
Weather: Cold and raining
Mood: Supportive

Today (well...yesterday, according to the clock) I had a good day at uni. In choir I talked to my classmate Josephine, a girl I was getting acquainted with at the end of last term. I also got to talk to another classmate I've never spoken to before, Joanna. They're both quite funny. A girl named Lucy also expressed concern during Aural class today because I didn't show up to Monday class because I was sick. It was a pleasant surprise, I thought it was very sweet of her. There are a lot of nice girls in my classes, actually. I just got to have the courage to talk to them. This guy in my history class also took notice of a dragon drawing I drew and stuck on at the front of my folder. I don't know his name but he seemed really enthusiastic about my drawing O_o;;. I was surprised that I wasn't startled or scared when he complimented me. I don't take compliments very well, especially from strangers...MALE strangers. No, I have not developed a crush because I'm new and a guy is nice to me xD. The guys in music are kinda weird, anyway. Weird, if not idiots...haha. Well, fun idiots anyway.

I think I'm slowly progressing in making friends at uni. I have yet to make any despite being here for a while already. I think it's because the uni is so big and there are just so many students and I can't help but feel intimidated by the greatly intense amount of people. I've never really had any problems with making friends before or elsewhere. In fact I've always found it quite easy, but here in Adelaide, it is very difficult for me. I noticed today that I was more familiar with my surroundings at uni and I was a little more confident in having a conversation with other people. I've made a few acquaintances, Josephine, Lucy, Joanna, Sarah, Anna, Taneka, Caitlyn, Paul, Warrick and Annabel. This makes me feel good :). I was beginning to think that I was just anti-social and snobby.

Anyway...in aural I got my test from last term back. I got 99.5%! Top of the class by 5.5%. Muahahaha! xD I'm such a show off...I'm really happy because I haven't had marks like this since 9th grade. I lost half a percent because I wrote vii6 instead of vii°6 at the Figured Bass section. Yeah...all because of a missing circle. The circle indicates a diminished chord. I didn't realise it was a diminished :(. I guess it's not as bad as me accidentally leaving it out and knowing I should have gotten 100% for the test, but in a sense that is bad too because it means that I actually didn't KNOW the answer. Hahaha. Mih, now I sound like a nerd. I should be OVER THE MOON about 99.5% which I am so yeah. Haha. I'm tired...shush.

Well right now I'm still up because I am offering my support to Jarrad and Ryan who are desperately trying to finish their essay by today which is due at 4pm. Tsk tsk...always leaving homework til the last minute (like I'm one to talk, haha). I guess I should sleep because I have class reasonably early today. It's not like I can help them much anyway. I know nothing about marketing.

My sleep patterns are so messed up...

Time finished: 02:34
Listening to: "Ballad of a Paralyzed Citizen (Medicine Remix)" - The Faint
Mood: Tired