Lance Dossor Prize

Time started: 01:28

Place: My room (Wattle Park)

Listening to: "Ondine" from Gaspard de la Nuit - Ravel

Weather: Cold
Mood: Dazed

I participated in a piano competition for the first time in over 6 years today.
I probably played the best I've ever played in front of people for a really long time.

I think I surprised a lot of people because I'm mostly catastrophic and a shaking dog on the stage and for the first time ever I actually had a lot of fun playing on the piano in front of Lucinda! It has been a long time since I've felt this way on stage.

I didn't win of course, I didn't expect to win but I never cared about winning. Today I played the best I could and that is a win for me.

I hope for my recital I will be at least 10 times better than I was today :).

Time finished: 01:35

/fail.

Time started: 12:11

Place: My room (Wattle Park)

Weather: Fine

Mood: Lethargic

I've been sick and nauseous for a week. First time I've been sick with a cold or flu all year.

My phone has been "sick" for about a week too. Mum tried to call but she couldn't hear me at all from her end.
I've been having much difficulty receiving and sending text messages too. It's a pity...it's quite a good phone.

Oh well, I'll just keep it now as a spare. It still works really well as a modem.

I guess I now have an excuse to buy a new phone...which I did. So much for saving money this year...

I will soon be a new Crackberry owner.

I bought a Blackberry Bold 9780 unlocked and brand new on ebay for $260 including postage. This is the most I've ever spent on a phone and I sort of regret it because I'm not that rich. Pretty darn good considering Telstra's selling it for $750 and the rrp is like $999. I hope it's as good as the reviews have raved. I didn't want to join the bandwagon of having an iPhone 4. I like QWERTY keyboards anyway and this smartphone is designed to be a smartphone and not some well-marketed piece of crap. I've always been a Nokia user up til now but Nokia hasn't been making great phones lately. I'll give Blackberry a try. I've been messing with Levon's phone which is a Blackberry. I liked what I saw so far.

The review will come once I get it and use it :).

Time finished: 12:24

Bipolar

Time started: 18:19

Place: My room (Wattle Park, Adelaide)

Listening to: The clock ticking

Weather: Cold

Mood: Undecided

One minute I'm laughing, the next minute I'm crying.

One minute I'm excited, the next minute I'm unmotivated.

These ups and downs are wearing me out.

I need help of any form.

What do I want? What do I need? I don't know any more.

I'm split into two directions and neither is making me happy.

Someone just tell me what I'm supposed to do...

Whatever I say or do just never seems right.

I've never been so confused.

Time finished: 18:24

Being Overseas is so tiring...

Time started: 23:17
Place: My temporary room at my uncle's (Subang Jaya)
Listening to: The noise of the television downstairs.
Weather: Very warm.
Mood: Exhausted.

Being on vacation is meant to be a time for one to relax and recuperate but why do I feel so tired?
I think it's routine for people in Malaysia to wake up early, eat out, go shopping (or work all day and THEN go shopping), come home, go out to eat again, come home, go out to eat again, come home and watch movies until 2am then sleep for 3 hours and repeat. How do these people do it?! I'm exhausted! My migraines and signs of chronic fatigue are more evident here. I'm ready to drop dead. Don't get me wrong, I'm having a wonderful time with my family but I just don't have the energy to do this...and I've only been here for three days!

The food here is amazing though. So far since I arrived I've eaten Chinese Malay, Vietnamese, Cantonese, Szechuan, Indian and Japanese food. All of them are very authentic too and sublime to eat. I'm surprised with how bloated you'd actually feel with such small servings.

The family and I went out to this Japanese club at the city for dinner. The food and presentation was amazing...I had raw salmon and crab on top of sushi rice, chicken tempura sided with miso soup and some weird egg thing with random vegetables inside. It was soooo good. The restaurant was really cool. The walls were actual paper screens and there were bookshelves everywhere completely filled with manga. The waitresses were so friendly and had permanent smiles on their faces too (and no, they were Malay, not Japanese, but the chefs were all Japanese). We were the only ones (besides the waitresses) who weren't Japanese. It really felt like we were in Japan.

After dinner we went to visit distant relatives of mine and they have like a mansion worth twenty million. As soon as you step in through the gates you see eight cars parked outside (yes, I did say eight) and they were all brand new and were brands like Mercedes Benz, Audi, Alfa Romeo, Ben Lee, Volkswagen, BMW, Peugeot, and Porsche. My jaw dropped immediately...these cars would've cost at least a million or two each (in Malaysia the tax on cars is ridiculous, something like 300%). Then I step into the house and the living room is at least the size of a standard house and is about 20m tall! They had a giant Christmas tree in the middle (only it was decorated with giant peonies and they called it the Chinese New Year Tree) and the owner had his own portrait painting 4x the human size hanging on the wall as if he was the sultan or something. He had 2 miniature toy sized poodles, 3 labradors (gold, chocolate and black) and a German shepherd (all imported from Australia). He had two swimming pools at the back, marble floors, bullet proof glass windows that give you a complete view of his yard outside (which looks like some kind of Botanic Gardens) with automatic curtains (and the curtains were ridiculously fancy too), two grandfather clocks, about 5 massaging chairs and don't even ask me how many couches there were and I haven't even seen what the house looked like upstairs. There are probably 50 rooms up there...I couldn't believe it. I felt like I stepped into Buckingham palace...he had a ballroom and two function rooms and another separate living room downstairs with a cinema sized plasma tv...where did all his money come from?! I felt so awkward there...they acted like normal, every day people. Well of course they are normal people....just incredibly rich normal people... :/ I didn't know I had billionaire distant relatives...it's amazing how one side of my family are humble, not very well off country folk, and the other side are filthy rich city folk...the world doesn't make any sense to me...

As lovely and amazing as that house was, I felt really uncomfortable so I was glad when it was time for us to get out of there...

Now that we're home, everyone's watching more movies. Isn't it time for bed?! It's almost midnight and they've started watching movies. The plan for tomorrow is waking up early, eating out, shopping, continue eating out, continue shopping, come home, eat out, come home and stay up late for more movies. How do these people do it?! I'm completely and utterly knackered!

Time finished: 00:39
Mood: Knackered!

First Day in Kuala Lumpur!

Time started: 20:40
Place: My temporary room at my Uncle's place (Subang Jaya, Kuala Lumpur)
Listening to: The ceiling fan blowing above me.
Weather: Fine
Mood: Exhausted.

After many delayed flights we finally made it to Kuala Lumpur at around 1:30am. We got home just past 3am and I didn't go to sleep until 4am in this strange room where I've never been.

I was quite annoyed to be woken up by dad at 8:30am. He was very excited to go out shopping.
Waking up extremely sleep deprived and deflated, I detested my father this very morning as I hesitantly made myself a mug of bland milo (seriously, it just tasted like hot water with a hint of the milo essence despite putting 3 heaped tablespoons of it and "Australian made" milk).

My aunt took us out for breakfast and I had fried kwey teow and "ice tea". The Malaysian form of ice tea in that particular venue appeared to be Tetley tea with lots of milk and sweeteners and whole chunks of ice that fill 3/4 of the glass. Wow...I was expecting something along the lines of Lipton lemon ice tea or something which was what I was hinting at. Oh well...I will not deny that the ice tea was certainly interesting tasting. It wasn't bad, actually. Just something I'm not used to. Just think of it as an English breakfast with lots of ice! The fried kwey teow was really nice! Something like this in Australia would probably cost at least $9 and after the exchange rate I paid like $1.30 for the meal. It also tastes 10 times better since it's authentic!

After breakfast, we took a taxi (teksi in Malay) to KLCC shopping centre (you know...where the twin towers are made famous by that Sean Connery and Catherine Zeta Jones movie "Entrapment"). My dad and the taxi driver were having a conversation in full flight the whole way. Too bad it was all in Malay...all I understood in the 20 minute conversation was "police station" (polis stesen...haha, figures!). We hopped off right outside the twin towers that towered over the both of us (no pun intended!). I couldn't help but giggle after picturing Sean Connery and Catherine Zeta Jones falling off at the link between the two towers, just like in the movie. As you step in you'll immediately feel out of place if you've always been a conservative spender like me! Tiffany & Co., Gucci, Prada, Georgio Armani...all these high class top notch brands that only the richest of the rich could afford...
Dad took me in to see all these watches with brands I've never heard of. There was one watch that costs RM84,500 (which is over $28k in Aussie dollars!)!!!! It just looked like an ugly and fat piece of metal with hands and numbers so pretentiously designed it would even shame the Avant-garde period! Ridiculous for a gadget to tell the time, if you ask me...ah well...Bill Gates would probably buy it...probably...
We soon left that shopping centre. I mean, it was out of our league anyway (you even have to pay to use the public toilets and to wipe your shoes on their door mats! Okay, I'm kidding about the door mat part but they might as well!). We then walked around two other shopping centres (one called The Pavillion and the other...uh...I can't remember, sorry!). Dad bought me a $50 watch. It was still a lot more than what I'd pay for a watch but I was grateful he wanted to buy me a nice gift :). I'm just glad it's not over $20k!
Soon we caught another taxi to go to Sunway Pyramid. This time we got a taxi driver that spoke Hakka so it was another 15 minutes of intense conversation between the driver and my dad. Thankfully I understood about 70% of the conversation since Hakka is one of the languages I speak. They were discussing the cost of living and my dad was just saying how expensive everything is in Darwin (he went on about overpriced Bok Choy for yonks which was a little amusing!) but how much he gets paid being a humble cleaner and how well he's looked after by the government. At the end of that topic I was a little confused as to whether he was for or against Australia's quality of life...
The Pyramid is strange because you'd that the building resembles a Pyramid (obvious reason why it's called Pyramid) with the Sphynx at the front...and then you'd see a bunch of red Chinese lanterns being hung everywhere outside because it's approaching Chinese New Year, and there's Starbucks and Bubba Gump Shrimp stores outside so.......the building just looks like it's having a severe identity crisis. Still, the building looks impressive as far as commercialism goes.

The shops here were more middle class citizen friendly. There were even some familiar stores that I'd see in Australia such as Diva, The Body Shop, Harvey Norman etc...
First we had lunch at a Vietnamese restaurant and the food was great! I had grilled lemongrass NZ beef with noodles (identity crisis again? Kiwi beef!). It tasted really good though and the service was fantastic.
Then we went browsing around a variety of shops and I bought myself two cook books (one was for microwaving food...I figured it'd help while I'm still studying at uni) and the other one was 200 low calorie recipes (I should probably watch my weight after all the weight I've gained!). Then after hours of walking around my feet were killing me (the shoes were a bit tight around my toes) and I could feel them forming blisters. We sat and had a drink then it was off to shop some more again! I managed to buy myself two dresses for Chinese New Year (it's tradition to wear new clothes to start the CNY). I found it miraculous that they fit me (I'm overweight) because although I'm not...I'm grotesquely obese in Malaysia!

Dad and I were worn out by the end of the day. I must say I'm impressed with the shopping environment here but so far with no patch of blue sky in sight all day and congested traffic it was a little worrying with how much of the toxicity of the air has entered into my blood stream from this one day alone. Ah well...worrying about it isn't going to make me any healthier.

I came home ready to sleep, but of course I had to get ready to go have dinner with the family. With only 4 hours of sleep and 8 hours of shopping I'd rather drop dead on the bed there and then.

We went to a local restaurant just around the corner. I tried frog for the first time. Frog as an Asian delicacy in a nutshell: It looks like chicken, and tastes like fish. The taste wasn't bad...but having grown up in Darwin with frogs everywhere you turn, I couldn't cut the image of a cute green tree frog hopping about with the smile-like appearance for the face...I couldn't eat another piece. I probably would've vomited...
The rest of the food was quite nice though, and I drank so much green tea! It is definitely nice to end the day with a good pot of green tea.
There was five of us eating with five dishes which complimentary peanuts and pickles for starters, water melon for dessert and a pot of green tea, it only cost RM77.70 in total! That's like $25 AUD! That would only be enough for one person in Australia dining in a fine cuisine Chinese restaurant with food that doesn't taste anywhere near as good!

I shouldn't be surprised. This is like my 19th time I've visited Malaysia and I'm aware of the high cost of eating out in Australia. Mind you, the average person here only earns like RM700 a MONTH! I earn $700 a week at SUBWAY so I guess it doesn't really matter. The difference is still remarkable though.

Anyway, I'm finally home so I'm ready to go to sleep. Dad wants another shopping marathon tomorrow so I got to rest up and be prepared! My poor feet...


Time finished: 21:38
Mood: Incredibly exhausted...

I Don't Ever Learn...

Time started: 23:52
Place: My room (Wattle Park, Adelaide)
Weather: Cold
Mood: Worried

I have a bad track record of losing my things...
Last night I was practising in the cello room at uni and I think I've left my wallet there.
I searched for it all day...
I can use the excuse that I was severely sleep deprived and it was past midnight but I know that it's only because I'm the biggest, careless, hopeless, clutsiest person ever...
I pray my wallet will turn up soon...that's wishful thinking though...

When will I ever learn to look after my things?!

Time finished: 23:58
Mood: Depressed...

*Smiles*

Time started: 21:26
Place: My room (Brahma Lodge, Adelaide)
Listening to: "Good to Sea" - Pinback
Weather: Humid and breezy
Mood: All smiles :)

I was struggling with life towards the end of last year. Financial and health problems went completely down the drain. I was on the verge of insanity.
Now things are changing. After working my arse off during the summer holidays with three jobs (doing almost double full time) I've saved up enough to get by and help my parents out. I've also found a new place to move out.

From now on I will be living in Wattle Park with a very nice family where I have the underground compartment of their mansion all to myself :). I will also be able to practise on the piano as much as I want without having to worry about pestering anybody around me. They just wanted to help me out after what I've gone through. When I went to their place last night for dinner I couldn't help but cry with tears of joy. I was overwhelmed with their friendliness and my very sudden change in luck. The landlady gave me a hug and said that she'd treat me like a daughter and I just cried some more. Not only is the place beautiful, but the neighbourhood is as well. I will get to do a lot of walking around and feeling at ease!

Now I can focus on getting back on track with life. I've been scraping through with uni, making all ends meet and going from high distinctions to barely passing. Now I can finally enjoy playing the piano like I used to and show that I actually do love music and I'm not just playing notes. Now I can go buy myself lunch when I'm out without having to worry about whether I'll have enough money to pay the rent. Now I don't have to spend the majority of my days trying to stay awake from lack of sleep and be on public transport to uni and back. And now I can reassure my mother that I am fine, and I also don't have to worry about her and her health since she is on her way to making a full recovery. The happiness and the peace of mind certainly helps.

My mother is down for three weeks because she has some medical check ups at the hospital and also to help me out a little with my moving out....oh yeah, and for a holiday of course. 90% of my packing is done so now we can just chillax in the last remaining days of what has been the place I've lived in Adelaide for nearly 4 years (that has caused me a lot of stress and grief but will miss it all the same).

To my two housemates who have lived with me the entire time, Jarrad and Ryan, I thank you both for your patience and gratitude of having me as a housemate. It was really an experience, both good and bad. I really will miss you guys even if you guys don't think so. Please keep in touch and if you won't, I will!

Another thing to look forward to (and it will be the highlight to my entire year): Levon is visiting me in July for three weeks. It's been over a year since I've seen him and the long wait of not having to miss each other (even if it's only for temporarily short period of time) will soon be over!

For those who are in similar situations to what I've been through before right now, and I am aware there are some of you out there...stick it out. Things will turn out soon. There are always people around you, friends, family, teachers, who are willing to help you as much as they can so don't give up hope! I know I've found my friends, family and teachers who I can depend on. They know who they are :). <3>

Time finished: 21:54
Listening to: "The Widow" - The Mars Volta
Mood: Lucky

What Really Makes the World Go Round?

Time started: 0419 (yeah...I'm having trouble sleeping)
Place: My room (Adelaide)
Listening to: Nothing...surprise...
Weather: Cold but calm at least
Mood: Uneasy but settling

I just thought I'd post this since a couple of people close to me have noticed I've been very down and not myself so I guess I should explain what's constantly on my mind right now.

You know...money matters in this world more than I'd like it to. It's depressing. The world goes through more complex systems and lifestyles as time progresses. Just thinking about it makes me so tired. Simplicity in life is non-existent these days. Not even children these days can live their lives simply like children should because of the ever changing fears of the society and political correctness. Is it really a surprise that the rate of depression is constantly growing? Is it not scary? Thinking about the standard life for the contemporary individuals just frustrates me because I see so little meaning in life. Well, not quite. There is meaning in life. There always has been and there always will be, but everything around completely blinds us from it whether it'd be money, media, competition, expectations, deadlines, rules and regulations...anything.

I feel very pressured and anxious in more ways than one. The Government is allowing my mum only a year to recuperate her health after her aneurysm because she recovered remarkably well. After that they want her to go back to work, completely ignoring the several Doctor recommendations simply because she still has arms and limbs to move around and work. If only they knew how serious her condition really was. The surgeon specifically told me if she has an aneurysm again which is very possible, she WILL die.
Do I want her to go back to work again? Most definitely not! I will not allow it!

So I have come to terms with me having to study part time next year so I have room to work to help support her. I am originally really against that idea since I have already done two years of Biomedical Science beforehand and adding to the Music degree I am getting very tired of studying and just want to graduate and work full-time. However given the circumstances, I have no choice. My mother's health is the number one priority right now. I must do it. I'd be glad to do it. Besides...for all the years she's had to work off blood, sweat and tears for me, it's only fair.

My dad has something like a $30,000 debt from over-using his credit cards. My dad is a compulsive shopper and loves to spoil himself rotten. Not only that, he's getting kicked out of his apartment soon because he's no longer a suitable tennant since the village he lives in is really meant for the retired which he is not. My dad hasn't really been in a major part of my life but I figured he doesn't have anyone but me so I should help him out too. He may not be the father figure but he still loves me and of course, I love him too. He's simply still just a kid who just needs someone who loves him.

For the past couple of days I've been applying for jobs for Summer Vacation. I currently just got offered a temporary job for the Australian Electoral Commission to do some data entry online which is great because I can work at home and get paid decently. It's not enough to support my parents and me completely but it's a great start! I emailed the director asking him if there's any vacancies for me. He had to dig deep and fish out this small task for me during his intensively busy schedule which I really appreciate. I know him personally since I've worked for the AEC before during the federal election and he was impressed with my hard work.

I need to stop worrying because the more I worry, the sicker and more tired I get. I've been horribly slack the past few days from being so tired and it's stressing me out because I am very behind my piano practise for uni now. It's frustrating when I'm constantly getting fevers and just want to sleep every half hour I'm awake. It's probably a mental thing. I need to be stronger but everything is just putting me down right now and I'm really trying to pick myself up but I just don't know how. I don't have the confidence. I'm frightened. I over-think everything. Being sick should never be an excuse to stop me from doing what I need to do and I'm really tired of constantly using it as an excuse. I'm scared that it's depression. These past few days I can't stop crying, being irrationally snappy and have so much trouble getting out of bed but now as I write this entry I've just realised that I spend a ridiculous amount of time just worrying. It doesn't help when he's out of touch for a bit either. Not his fault. I just miss him a lot. Blargh.

Time can be so easily spent on things you wish you never did but when you realise this...it's too late. That time you've wasted is gone. This concept can apply to life in so many ways. On one hand, time is short so you never want to waste it on doing something unproductive and never getting what you need to get done, done. On the other hand, since time is short, this also means life is short, so why use up all the short time to do something that worries you and stresses you out instead of enjoying yourself? *Sigh* see? The standard life is a constant battle between doing what you want to do, and doing what you need to do. Your wants and needs very rarely coincide. So what should one do? One could only worry...and be awake worrying...and write a worrying blog. Joy.

Well...on a happier note I've decided both mum and I work too hard and worry too much so I've booked flights for the both of us to go to Sydney in December. It's been a while since my mum's had a holiday just for the sake of a holiday. Malaysia didn't really count because she really only went back to reactivate her bank account and get some legal documentations of my grandmother's Will. Sydney will be fun since we both don't know much about it so we'll just explore, get lost, possibly drive each other insane =P. I'll get to see my best friend, Shan Shan too who I haven't seen for two years so it will be nice (even though she's going to be constantly working...*sigh*). She's going to try to visit me in Darwin in February though so that would be great (and in return I will be constantly working, probably...our syncronisation skills are awesome...)!

Contemplating depressing things in life can only make me value the good things in life more so I'm sorry if the moping gets annoying. My entry went into a positive turn, didn't it? And besides...I don't do well when I bottle it all up. I always feel like I get a bit of a revelation after I let it all out. I realise I think these things because of the one thing that matters the most: Love. I worry about money because I love my parents. I stress about uni because I want to have a career doing what I love: music. I'm always sick because...because...haha...I don't know...I love too much, maybe? Hahahaha. As if you could ever love "too much"! As horribly cliché as it sounds, I believe love is really what makes the world go round. At least in my world, anyway.

Wow, that was painfully bad. I think I'll stop writing bad now. Not only was it bad, I gave love and worry/stress parallel meanings! That is a big no no!

I obviously need good quality sleep. Sleep time!
(Wow...what an anti-climating ending. I fail.)

Time finished: 0516
Listening: A single bird chirping haha.
Weather: All I know is...there is the one bird chirping outside. And it's cold.
Mood: Amused by my fail abilities to attempt thoughtful blogging.