Living up to Expectations

Time started: 11:45
Place: My room (Darwin)
Listening to: Monsoonal rain outside
Weather: Monsoonal rain
Mood: Useless

I'm home in Darwin. Christmas was alright. New Year sucked. I worked.

Sometimes I wish my parents could read....I know that's a horrible thing to say...but I feel so pressured to help them out all the time and they don't even appreciate it.
Today I'm stressed because mum got her package of her central locking remote for her car which I helped her order. She screams at me after opening the package saying "YOU GOT THE WRONG ONE! IT'S NOT THE SAME!" Of course it's the same, it just doesn't have the side coverings because you're supposed to use the old existing one. I told her this and even showed her the model number....it's exactly the same. And she calls me a "stupid, smelly cunt" in Chinese in the process as per usual. Pardon my language...
Later, she believes me for a while, but starts checking over it again with her half blindness. And screams at me again saying the numbers are not the same. I scream back to put her glasses on and stop assuming I'm stupid and useless.

Today she wanted me to help out my uncle to get him a washing machine because he's old and almost blind and deaf. The problem is, today is the last day I have to proof read Meiling's essay for college in the states. Mum's sister, my aunt, Meiling's mum, called her and cried about it worrying Meiling will fail so mum is also like "you have so much spare time! Teach Meiling English!" And so I told her I have to help Meiling today and she's like "You're so ungrateful, you just don't want to help your uncle!"
I'm thinking wtf....Meiling has to hand in her essay like a couple of hours from now! It's pissing outside! She expects me to drive my uncle around all of Darwin in this weather without her freaking out?!

And then my dad calls while I'm helping Meiling, and it's just to ask if I can help him buy model cars on ebay!

I spent 9 hours 2 days ago helping Meiling write her bloody essay and mum goes I'm not practicing piano....Then I practice piano and she's like I'm stopping her from watching tv....
And last night I go out with friends and I was home before midnight and she complains that I'm enjoying myself too much with my friends and I got home far too late and it was the first time I've even seen them all holidays! My lift home was Erin. She expects my friends to jeopardise their time for me to get home early for mum? If that was what she wanted she could've at least let me drive there! What does she expect?

Also, I can't do Honours at uni because mum can't wait for me that long....I really wanted to do Honours....but I have to come home and work and support her because she can't read and she's broke and needs me to look after her...it's fair enough, she does need me, she is sick and stuff...but I'm just bloody sick of her stressing me out like it's the end of the world every 5 minutes and screaming at me calling me a stupid, smelly cunt in Chinese...

She blames her behaviour on menopause. Well I know plenty of other women out there going through menopause...and they don't scream at their daughter every five minutes over nothing and calling them horrible things...

One day dad called, and she picked up, and she immediately screamed at him "I'M SLEEPING, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT! YOU'RE A NUISANCE!"
And she wonders why dad chucked a hissy fit at her....
And it was 2pm, it wasn't like an unreasonable time for him to call...

My dad's not much better. He only calls me when he wants me to help him purchase model cars on ebay or when he needs something...nice to see you too, dad...

He comes to our home, using up my time, my computer, my internet, my paypal account for me to help him order some vintage Matchbox model car that only ships to the US. What's worse is he is using Levon to get the model car shipped to his PO box before forwarding the parcel to my dad...Levon...my boyfriend...using him...
I get mad at dad and he accuses me of not wanting to help him...

I tell mum that I want to visit Levon some time this year and that his parents really want to meet me and I want to meet them and she goes "you enjoy life too much, you should focus on uni..."
And I'm like "Well if you want Levon in my future then you should let me visit him instead of making us see us once every two years!"

You know...life would just be a lot better if my parents knew how to read...either that or I had a couple of other siblings to share the weight on my shoulders...there's only so much stress I can handle.

I'm not perfect but I'm most certainly not a "stupid smelly cunt" as my mother would always call me when I don't quite make it up to her standards. I know I'm wrong a lot of the time but that never gave her the right to put me down like this. I happen to have feelings in case she didn't notice...I would happily help her out with everything if she didn't complain so much. It's not that much to ask...

Time finished: 12:12
Listening to: the clicking of the fan
Mood: Teary

Separation Anxiety

Time started: 01:29
Place: My room (Wattle Park)
Listening to: Nothing
Weather: Warm
Mood: Yearning

I try not to cry...but I miss him so much.
I'm scared this isn't going to work...

God, please help me :(.

Time finished: 01:31

Where Has the Year Gone?

Time started: 00:34
Place: My room (Wattle Park)
Listening to: The clock ticking
Weather: Cold but fine
Mood: Stressed

Is it really the first of November already? Where has this year gone? What have I done?
I can't even play any of my pieces in my program for my technical exam yet...and I've had these pieces all year!

I don't know what is wrong with me. It's like my short term memory for learning doesn't exist.
I would practise for hours and hours every day and when I think I've nailed something by the end of the night (I can play a section with my eyes closed) I forget it the next day, and I'm learning from scratch again...it's really frustrating!

There are only 15 days til the date I was scheduled to do my exam but it seems that I will have to resort to yet again another medical supplementary exam...this is really not what I want...

I just don't understand why I can't do this...it's not like I'm not trying. Yes, there are days when I slack off, but doesn't everyone have those days? I practise my arse off almost every day...and I've had these pieces for the whole darn year...I've even taken up Bikram yoga to help me get back into better health but it doesn't seem to be working. I don't know what to do...this chronic fatigue syndrome is stopping me from doing so much...

I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed but I'm not exactly retarded either...I don't get why I can't learn like everyone else. Yes, I'm a little on the slow side but no progress? Really?! What the hell is wrong with me?!

Lucinda thinks I need to take a year of absence and do single studies for a year to regain my health....put my studies on halt again? Like doing 3rd year over 2 years isn't enough of a breeze for me?! I'm going to be 23 next year...23 without a degree. 24 going 25 by the time I graduate...taking a leave of absence is definitely not on my mind! I need to get out of university with a degree and make a living...I can't be a student forever. I need to start on my future NOW! As soon as I can if I want a better chance with being with Levon...

Speaking of Levon, he has been so busy lately. I hardly get to talk to him. It's like our relationship isn't the same anymore. I know it's something neither of us could help...we both have so much to do in our own lives but I hate how we're both so separate now and not just in terms of distance. I know I do talk to him almost every day but it's always the same every day...we say hi, we do cutesy emoticons and emote actions like *huggles* and *snuggles* and *kisses* and *smooches* and all those disgusting cheesy stuff that you'd expect from Care Bears or Barney. We exchange I love yous every day. It seems beautiful and perfect, right? I don't see it that way. It's like I don't know him. I don't know about his day. I don't know the things that make him happy or frustrates him. I don't know where our relationship is going...at the moment it just seems to be obliviously running around in circles, like a goldfish circling around the fishbowl...
Let's face it. Even though we've been together almost two years and still love each other to death we hardly know each other. We can't experience the joys and pains the same way most couples do. We don't have that opportunity to argue or grow together. To a small degree we can through conversation but it's just not the same. This scares me every day...we're blinded by distance and act purely on feelings alone.
I guess I long for something different in our relationship. It's just that every day it's the same and what's the point? It would just be nice if he'd tell me about his day or his random fleeting thoughts. When I tell him about mine he always reacts the same way like he's avoiding a discussion. It's just a *hugs* or a *pounce* like he's not listening...he often doesn't know what to say...I probably also long some kind of a plan for him. He's just taking things as they go and it's not really enough for me...I need to know what's going on. I need some kind of a direction from him...I don't care whatever the hell it is, it can be anything...I just need something...I can't just hang on for years waiting for something to happen...

*Sigh* I don't know...I'm just not a go with a flow kind of person...
I'm not very assertive either so it's not fair on him if he has no idea what I want. I don't tell him. I guess that's the same with him. He doesn't tell me either. We're both just stuck in limbo pretending that we're happy...

Anyway...I better start being happy so I can focus on my exams and get them over and done with...life would be so much better after I get this damn degree...

Time finished: 01:06
Mood: Tired...

Toss and Turn

Time started: 02:54
Place: My room (Wattle Park)
Listening to: Silence
Mood: Restless

My daily routine is worrying about not having enough time.
Not having enough time to practise and learn all my pieces, to sleep, or do things that keep me sane.

It's ironic that I keep myself awake to give myself more time, yet the efficiency of my performance is decreased dramatically. Not surprising at the least.

So what is the balance? I'm struggling to find it. I'm feeling the unhealthy lethargic phase again. I took up Bikram yoga, and I love it. So far it's not helping though. I just end up feeling more tired...

Why am I tired? I've tried praying. I eat well. I'm thinking more rationally while I'm stressing about studies, I don't know...

I'm just so burned out.

I went to bed at 9pm because I was unable to keep myself awake any longer. I woke up at midnight and was not happy about that because I was hoping to have refreshing sleep til 6 or 7 to practise in the morning before my first piano lesson for this term. I tossed and turned in bed til 2am. It is now 3am and here I am updating this blog with another depressing, negative entry.

There are some positives in my life though. I've been hanging out with Matthew and Kenan a lot. We'd often be at Matt's place baking cakes, watching movies, acting in the most bizarre and immature way possible. They've given me many memories to look back upon for my university life. These memories will definitely override the stress and torment I've had studying the piano.

I can't wait til the end. I've worked so far for it. Life will be kind to me after all this hard work. It will pay off. I need this motivation to get me through. All this will be worth it in the end.

Time finished: 03:12
Mood: A little more fired up

For Kenan

Time started: 04:45
Place: My room (Wattle Park, Adelaide)
Mood: Worried

For my beloved friend, Kenan whom I love dearly,

I am sad that you are going through so much crap right now. For someone as happy and strong-minded as you, it pains me to see you so go through all this and be affected by the negatives in life to the point of an emotional wreck.

For all the times you have been there for me in a heartbeat, it pains me that I am unable to do the same. All I can do is sit here in my room praying that you'll be all right and write you a silly little blog entry dedicated to you...

However, it goes without saying how much you mean to me. In the very short time we have gotten to know each other, I've discovered what a beautiful person you are. You have already become one of my best friends and an important person in my life. Your kindness, love, sentiment and compassion for others is astounding and knows no bounds and it amazes me how much you dedicate yourself for others. You've also given me so many memories to look back and laugh upon.

I can only hope that one day I and others will be able to do the same for you.
Life is short, and complicated. Life will always have turn of events that will bring you to tears. It isn't fair for you to be strong for others all the time, neither is it possible. The greatest pain is knowing when someone you love is hurting and not knowing what to do to help. I know that this kind of pain affects you everyday. It pains me to see you hurting too. Please, if you ever need a shoulder to cry on, someone to scream at, someone to show your instability side to because you can no longer hide it, I can be that friend you need. In fact, I want to be that friend you need because someone as special as you needs a little help from a friend, especially after all that you've done for me.

So Kenan, htfu! I don't care! Just kidding...you know I do. I care so much that it keeps me up at night.

God has been very kind to me allowing me the course of fate running into you and making you my friend. You really are a blessing. I love you, Kenan!

May our adventures of random food runs, mischief, and double scissors continue endlessly :).

Love always,
Min

Time finished: 05:05

I Don't Ever Learn...

Time started: 23:52
Place: My room (Wattle Park, Adelaide)
Weather: Cold
Mood: Worried

I have a bad track record of losing my things...
Last night I was practising in the cello room at uni and I think I've left my wallet there.
I searched for it all day...
I can use the excuse that I was severely sleep deprived and it was past midnight but I know that it's only because I'm the biggest, careless, hopeless, clutsiest person ever...
I pray my wallet will turn up soon...that's wishful thinking though...

When will I ever learn to look after my things?!

Time finished: 23:58
Mood: Depressed...

An Emotional Ritual

Time started: 23:15
Place: My room (Wattle Park, Adelaide)
Listening to: Nothing
Weather: Cold and rainy
Mood: Lonely

I was meant to go to sleep two hours ago. I stayed up to watch a couple of movies instead.
Now I have come to the terms that I'm just not settling to go to sleep.
I have a 10am start tomorrow, and university doesn't finish til 9:30pm for me. Wednesdays suck...
Laying here missing you sucks more.
No matter how tired or busy I am, I can't stop missing you.
Feeling sad and alone has become an emotional ritual for me every night before I sleep...that can't be good for me...

Time finished: 23:14
Mood: Tired

Menomena

Time started: 03:56
Place: My room (Wattle Park, Adelaide)
Listening to: "Trigga Hiccups" - Menomena
Weather: Cold
Mood: Placid

I'm up at almost 4 o'clock listening to Menomena who I haven't really been listening to intently for a while (or even at all). I've always been in love with their songs "Wet & Rusting" and "My, My" but I never really paid much attention to their other songs.
After listening to both their albums in playing order, I've discovered how they put intricate details in their melody, harmony, and lyrics with the very simple arrangements of the drums, bass, piano, vocals, and the baritone saxaphone (quite a strange ensemble of instruments for an indie-rock band...). Though it may seem pretty boring and mundane at first listen, I've discovered their music can heighten the senses and produce some intensity stirred up inside a listener. Maybe I've just reached the level of the third plane of active listening that Aaron Copland famously models. I now understand not only the timbre and emotion that the music evokes, but I also understand the complete structure of it all and I can not learn to appreciate many forms of music.

*Shrugs*

Or it could just because I haven't listened to Menomena for a really long time so it all seems new again. But yeah, their music is great :).

Time finished: 04:02
Listening to: "West" - Menomena
Weather: Cold
Mood: Placid

Oil and Water

Time started: 22:52
Place: My room (Wattle Park)
Listening to: The dog trudging somewhere around the house
Weather: Cold
Mood: Anxious

No matter how good my intentions were to wake up early to practise on the piano all day today, it just hasn't come to play.
In the morning, since it was a sunny day (which are very rare in Adelaide at this time of the year) I did my laundry. That probably took the whole morning.
In the afternoon, Irene asks me to help her with her Maths homework. I go upstairs and help her out but we get distracted by a deck of Uno cards...
I managed to do two hours of piano practise when Irene went to badminton, but I suddenly got tired and dreary and dinner had to be made.
So I made dinner which probably took over an hour (given that someone with a shocking immune system such as myself needs to have healthy meals). Then there's eating and doing the dishes...
Then Irene comes down again and asks for help with homework so I help her out again.
By the time this is done, it is 10:30pm...not really a good time to be bashing around the piano repetitively with other people in the house and neighbours around...

I am quite far behind learning my program. I won't say I will fail, but I am definitely not as prepared as I should be...the anxiety will continue to grow if life persists like this...

So...yeah...trying to practise 6 hours a day is possible, but it's very hard, especially if you want to stay a sane human being...
Piano practise and life is like oil and water. They just don't mix...

Time finished: 23:02
Listening to: Nothing
Mood: Drained

Life is a Rollercoaster

Time started: 19:10
Place: My room (Wattle Park, Adelaide)
Listening to: The rain outside, and the television campaigning the election tomorrow
Weather: Wet and dreary
Mood: Lethargic and unmotivated

"What goes up, must come down..." as the wise old Albert Einstein once said.

I've had my up of the holidays, seeing Levon again, spending time with family and friends, and having a positive start to the semester with productive and confident practise.

And now I'm at a low. Still sick with a 2 month cold, bones and muscles aching, failing to adapt to the cold, wet weather of Adelaide...I am feeling very unmotivated to practise. The past couple of days I've been really sluggish, spending most of my time in bed sleeping for hours on end...all of it is unrefreshing.

Tension among people continues. Those around me are experiencing some of their greatest woes, stress, grief...everything negative imagineable. You name it...
My mother called me quite recently telling me that my 100 year old grandfather fell down the stairs in Malaysia and is currently in a critical condition.
I want to go back to Malaysia. My aunt from the US whom I have not seen for 12 years is finally returning and taking Mei Ling with her back to the states. University is in the way...
All this is getting to me and I often find myself depressed while I'm alone. I occupy my thoughts with unhappiness and it paralyses me. It weighs me down, and I am unable to move.
I find solace in talking to my family and friends, but even they seem to be so far from reach.

I need to get on with my life. This is ridiculous. Why is everything stopping me from doing what I need to do? It's in the norm for even some of the strongest and happiest of people to experience some downs in their life...

I'm looking forward to my next up in life, whenever that may be...

It's ironic how it's life that's always in the way of living life...

Time finished: 19:22
Listening to: Random conversations on TV
Mood: Zombiefied