The Truth Hurts

Time started: 23:08

Place: My dining room (Wattle Park, Adelaide)

Listening to: "Something About Us" - Daft Punk

Weather: Cold

Mood: Pondering

A discussion with an old friend of mine lead me to think about lies that people tell. He claims that knowing the truth is much better than not knowing and forever wondering but the look on his face has an interesting way of proving his point.

People take up their entire lives searching for the truth with a million questions:

- Does he/she feel the same way?

- Does this make me look fat?

- Am I really bad at doing this?

- Is there a God?

- What is my purpose in life?

- Is he/she the one?

- What do people really think of me?

- When/how will I die?

We ask these questions because we're searching for the truth...and often the truth is not something we want to hear, so why do we search for these answers if we're happier not knowing? What preparations can we actually make by knowing the truth?

I told a friend of mine a truth that I knew he did not want to hear yet he persisted on knowing and talked me into it saying it'll do him more good than harm, that I have to be cruel to be kind. So I did, which only lead to more unnerving questions. His face told me a story of nothing but hurt and regret as a response to my answer.

We've all been there before...searching for a truth, and disappointed with what we'd find. Are we really happier not knowing or being lied to? Do people really move on from a truth that pains them to the core? There are two kinds of people in these situations:

- People who build a bridge and get over it, or

- People who don't, walk through the rapid stream and plummet down the waterfall.

The truth hurts and it can either make you or break you. I'm finding myself more cynical with more painful truths. What's the point if there's nothing in it for you or others? So, ignorance is bliss or knowledge is power? How should one live their life? More questions...

I guess the best way is to think, with every crisis comes an opportunity.

However I'm yet to know what that opportunity is...

Time finished: 23:24

Dad

Time started: 02:42am

Place: My room (Wattle Park, Adelaide)

Weather: Cold

Mood: Melancholic

I just had a conversation with my uncle Fook Tow. I only got to know him a little in January/February during my trip in Malaysia. We had a long conversation about the importance of life, family, and my dad.

Bringing up the subject of my dad is always hard. I have so many mixed feelings towards him. There are parts of me who resent him for all the years of neglectful attitude towards me and the responsibilities and duties of being my father. There are parts of me where I'm embarrassed by him because he can never swallow his pride and he is a hard person to be around and deal with. But there's an even greater part of me that wants to reach out to him and provide him with the love and respect he has never received his entire life. I know that love and respect has to be earned, but no-one has ever given my dad a chance. It's no wonder he is such a bitter and defensive person. Growing up in a big family full of half-cast siblings of a different mother, being the only uneducated one out of him and his ten siblings, having severe dyslexia and never understanding why he can never progress, marrying a woman who's never loved him, and never get to see his only daughter who never really has much to say to him. He lives alone in a rented apartment in a village full of pensioners where he is surrounded by nothing but his collection of model cars. It never really dawned on me just how unhappy he really is.

I will never get to know the feeling of growing up with parents who love each other and have an unbroken marriage. I will never know the feeling of having a father who would teach me how to do things or point me in certain directions in life. I can ponder, wonder, and imagine all I like, but while I'm doing that, I have a father who is hurting more than anyone can see from the surface and probably needs his daughter's love more than anything in the world. I know I don't give him many chances or opportunities. I do try, but I know I don't try hard enough. If a little respect and love is all he needs to build him some self-esteem and happiness then I will provide him that because it's so much more simpler and so much more easier to forgive than remembering unhappy memories of the past and seeing the negatives.

I will give my dad a call tomorrow.

Time finished: 03:17

Bipolar

Time started: 18:19

Place: My room (Wattle Park, Adelaide)

Listening to: The clock ticking

Weather: Cold

Mood: Undecided

One minute I'm laughing, the next minute I'm crying.

One minute I'm excited, the next minute I'm unmotivated.

These ups and downs are wearing me out.

I need help of any form.

What do I want? What do I need? I don't know any more.

I'm split into two directions and neither is making me happy.

Someone just tell me what I'm supposed to do...

Whatever I say or do just never seems right.

I've never been so confused.

Time finished: 18:24

Hypocrisy

Time started: 00:09
Place: My room (Wattle Park)
Weather: Starting to get cold
Mood: Self-conscious

Have you ever realised how easy it is to pick on others' faults? The stuff we dislike about them? It is so easy to say horrible things about others but I wonder how many of us stop to think about the horrible things we say or do ourselves? Aren't we the same? It is so easy to see bad things in other people and we are blinded by the good things we believe to be in ourselves...
My faults are aplenty.
I'm struggling to see anything good about me right now, however. I've been reminded why I'm always so self-conscious.
I never want to practise in Elder Hall ever again. At least that's how I feel...

Time finished: 00:11

My Life is Full of Plain Bad Timing

Time started: 22:54
Place: My room (Wattle Park)
Listening to: Crickets chirping
Weather: A little nippy
Mood: Heartbroken

I spoke to Levon today who had to bear me with bad news.
Something important came up for him in November, the same month he was going to come visit for my final recital, but now he can't go.
Life sucks...but at least our lives are a million times better than those affected by the massive earthquake in Japan. My whole world still exists, at least...
It would've been nice to see him more than once this year but I guess our tradition of seeing each other only once a year lives on...

Time finished: 22:57

Speculation on Alternate Realities

Time started: 00:34
Place: My room (Wattle Park, Adelaide)
Listening to: Cricket bugs.
Weather: Hot
Mood: Speculative

So I've been watching movies like De ja vu, Star Treck, The Oxford Murders, and reading random stuff about space and time and how there are random 6 hours that appear in space.

This makes me wonder...it is theoretically possible to time travel/exist in more than one place/time thus it is possible to have a co-existing reality. This brings up my theory of the universe having no/many absolute truths which I guess is similar to the Buddhist belief of no God/many Gods. I guess either way could be true because I believe that whatever people believe in, whether they're Atheist or Christian, to be true. Why do people spend so much time arguing to each other about who's religion is right and wrong? Everyone is so convinced they are right that it seems illogical for them to find that they're wrong. Can't we just for the sake of argument and exploring the truth just sit back and think for a second that maybe everyone is both right and wrong? It doesn't seem logical that people can exist in more than one place, or time travel, or that time is not linear, yet it is theoretically (with very specific calculations) possible!

Why do we experience De ja vu? Is it because in a reality we've already gone through the same path we are crossing now?

Why are there random 6 hours that appear out of nowhere in space? I reckon those 6 hours are for the choices we could have made and the alternate fate exists in an alternate reality, ie. the extra 6 hours in our galaxy.

Why are there theories about wormholes and time travelling and how it's theoretically possible to exist in more than one place? The evidence in quantum physics is sound. This proves that time is not linear. It's not even three dimensional. It's just endless and is in the light. It's just everything. There really is an eternity and God, this Diety, a force, an unexplainable energy, whatever people want to call it exists in eternity. This also allows me to speculate that there are unlimited ways each and every one of us have lived our lives. I don't know if our co-existences ever cross paths, but I guess in a sense it does which is why people get de ja vu. It could be moments that cannot be changed or simply just haven't changed. Whether or not we can individually change our destinies, I wouldn't know, but I think there are many destinies for one person. They just don't occur simultaneously in one reality.

I would love to call myself a Christian because I do believe in God, and I do believe in Jesus dying for our sins, the Bible and stuff like that but I am still too open minded to except the fact that it is the only way for people to live their lives spiritually. It's hypocritical, I know...but I just can't fault other people's beliefs and their way of finding spiritualism either so to this very day I am still a Buddhist. I don't believe God just damns people to hell. I'm not even sure if I see him as a humanoid diety. Is there really a heaven and hell? I think there is an afterlife but I don't know about Judgement day or singing Angels with a pearl gate, and flaming pool of fire with a horned Satan. I think we all make a path for our souls. I don't know...it's hard to explain. I just think people should stop hating each other and telling each other what to believe and find whether they're right or wrong. We should all just let things be and just be the best possible person we can be. Why is it "against God's will" to be a Buddhist trying to find out what the truth is and showing compassion for others and helping each other all we can? Why would that be Satan deceiving people? Not necessarily the Buddhist way, but Islam, Hinduism etc. All religions have something in common which is compassion. Everyone is different and have different lifestyles, why can't we just all accept this and just let people live the way it is suited for them instead of shoving hate down everyone's throats? If we stop complicating things in our minds and our soul, and just empty everything in our head, it would probably be a lot easier to discover our truths. Like one of the Buddhist sayings "The cup needs to be empty in order to be filled."

Time finished: 01:05
Mood: Tired

Being Overseas is so tiring...

Time started: 23:17
Place: My temporary room at my uncle's (Subang Jaya)
Listening to: The noise of the television downstairs.
Weather: Very warm.
Mood: Exhausted.

Being on vacation is meant to be a time for one to relax and recuperate but why do I feel so tired?
I think it's routine for people in Malaysia to wake up early, eat out, go shopping (or work all day and THEN go shopping), come home, go out to eat again, come home, go out to eat again, come home and watch movies until 2am then sleep for 3 hours and repeat. How do these people do it?! I'm exhausted! My migraines and signs of chronic fatigue are more evident here. I'm ready to drop dead. Don't get me wrong, I'm having a wonderful time with my family but I just don't have the energy to do this...and I've only been here for three days!

The food here is amazing though. So far since I arrived I've eaten Chinese Malay, Vietnamese, Cantonese, Szechuan, Indian and Japanese food. All of them are very authentic too and sublime to eat. I'm surprised with how bloated you'd actually feel with such small servings.

The family and I went out to this Japanese club at the city for dinner. The food and presentation was amazing...I had raw salmon and crab on top of sushi rice, chicken tempura sided with miso soup and some weird egg thing with random vegetables inside. It was soooo good. The restaurant was really cool. The walls were actual paper screens and there were bookshelves everywhere completely filled with manga. The waitresses were so friendly and had permanent smiles on their faces too (and no, they were Malay, not Japanese, but the chefs were all Japanese). We were the only ones (besides the waitresses) who weren't Japanese. It really felt like we were in Japan.

After dinner we went to visit distant relatives of mine and they have like a mansion worth twenty million. As soon as you step in through the gates you see eight cars parked outside (yes, I did say eight) and they were all brand new and were brands like Mercedes Benz, Audi, Alfa Romeo, Ben Lee, Volkswagen, BMW, Peugeot, and Porsche. My jaw dropped immediately...these cars would've cost at least a million or two each (in Malaysia the tax on cars is ridiculous, something like 300%). Then I step into the house and the living room is at least the size of a standard house and is about 20m tall! They had a giant Christmas tree in the middle (only it was decorated with giant peonies and they called it the Chinese New Year Tree) and the owner had his own portrait painting 4x the human size hanging on the wall as if he was the sultan or something. He had 2 miniature toy sized poodles, 3 labradors (gold, chocolate and black) and a German shepherd (all imported from Australia). He had two swimming pools at the back, marble floors, bullet proof glass windows that give you a complete view of his yard outside (which looks like some kind of Botanic Gardens) with automatic curtains (and the curtains were ridiculously fancy too), two grandfather clocks, about 5 massaging chairs and don't even ask me how many couches there were and I haven't even seen what the house looked like upstairs. There are probably 50 rooms up there...I couldn't believe it. I felt like I stepped into Buckingham palace...he had a ballroom and two function rooms and another separate living room downstairs with a cinema sized plasma tv...where did all his money come from?! I felt so awkward there...they acted like normal, every day people. Well of course they are normal people....just incredibly rich normal people... :/ I didn't know I had billionaire distant relatives...it's amazing how one side of my family are humble, not very well off country folk, and the other side are filthy rich city folk...the world doesn't make any sense to me...

As lovely and amazing as that house was, I felt really uncomfortable so I was glad when it was time for us to get out of there...

Now that we're home, everyone's watching more movies. Isn't it time for bed?! It's almost midnight and they've started watching movies. The plan for tomorrow is waking up early, eating out, shopping, continue eating out, continue shopping, come home, eat out, come home and stay up late for more movies. How do these people do it?! I'm completely and utterly knackered!

Time finished: 00:39
Mood: Knackered!

First Day in Kuala Lumpur!

Time started: 20:40
Place: My temporary room at my Uncle's place (Subang Jaya, Kuala Lumpur)
Listening to: The ceiling fan blowing above me.
Weather: Fine
Mood: Exhausted.

After many delayed flights we finally made it to Kuala Lumpur at around 1:30am. We got home just past 3am and I didn't go to sleep until 4am in this strange room where I've never been.

I was quite annoyed to be woken up by dad at 8:30am. He was very excited to go out shopping.
Waking up extremely sleep deprived and deflated, I detested my father this very morning as I hesitantly made myself a mug of bland milo (seriously, it just tasted like hot water with a hint of the milo essence despite putting 3 heaped tablespoons of it and "Australian made" milk).

My aunt took us out for breakfast and I had fried kwey teow and "ice tea". The Malaysian form of ice tea in that particular venue appeared to be Tetley tea with lots of milk and sweeteners and whole chunks of ice that fill 3/4 of the glass. Wow...I was expecting something along the lines of Lipton lemon ice tea or something which was what I was hinting at. Oh well...I will not deny that the ice tea was certainly interesting tasting. It wasn't bad, actually. Just something I'm not used to. Just think of it as an English breakfast with lots of ice! The fried kwey teow was really nice! Something like this in Australia would probably cost at least $9 and after the exchange rate I paid like $1.30 for the meal. It also tastes 10 times better since it's authentic!

After breakfast, we took a taxi (teksi in Malay) to KLCC shopping centre (you know...where the twin towers are made famous by that Sean Connery and Catherine Zeta Jones movie "Entrapment"). My dad and the taxi driver were having a conversation in full flight the whole way. Too bad it was all in Malay...all I understood in the 20 minute conversation was "police station" (polis stesen...haha, figures!). We hopped off right outside the twin towers that towered over the both of us (no pun intended!). I couldn't help but giggle after picturing Sean Connery and Catherine Zeta Jones falling off at the link between the two towers, just like in the movie. As you step in you'll immediately feel out of place if you've always been a conservative spender like me! Tiffany & Co., Gucci, Prada, Georgio Armani...all these high class top notch brands that only the richest of the rich could afford...
Dad took me in to see all these watches with brands I've never heard of. There was one watch that costs RM84,500 (which is over $28k in Aussie dollars!)!!!! It just looked like an ugly and fat piece of metal with hands and numbers so pretentiously designed it would even shame the Avant-garde period! Ridiculous for a gadget to tell the time, if you ask me...ah well...Bill Gates would probably buy it...probably...
We soon left that shopping centre. I mean, it was out of our league anyway (you even have to pay to use the public toilets and to wipe your shoes on their door mats! Okay, I'm kidding about the door mat part but they might as well!). We then walked around two other shopping centres (one called The Pavillion and the other...uh...I can't remember, sorry!). Dad bought me a $50 watch. It was still a lot more than what I'd pay for a watch but I was grateful he wanted to buy me a nice gift :). I'm just glad it's not over $20k!
Soon we caught another taxi to go to Sunway Pyramid. This time we got a taxi driver that spoke Hakka so it was another 15 minutes of intense conversation between the driver and my dad. Thankfully I understood about 70% of the conversation since Hakka is one of the languages I speak. They were discussing the cost of living and my dad was just saying how expensive everything is in Darwin (he went on about overpriced Bok Choy for yonks which was a little amusing!) but how much he gets paid being a humble cleaner and how well he's looked after by the government. At the end of that topic I was a little confused as to whether he was for or against Australia's quality of life...
The Pyramid is strange because you'd that the building resembles a Pyramid (obvious reason why it's called Pyramid) with the Sphynx at the front...and then you'd see a bunch of red Chinese lanterns being hung everywhere outside because it's approaching Chinese New Year, and there's Starbucks and Bubba Gump Shrimp stores outside so.......the building just looks like it's having a severe identity crisis. Still, the building looks impressive as far as commercialism goes.

The shops here were more middle class citizen friendly. There were even some familiar stores that I'd see in Australia such as Diva, The Body Shop, Harvey Norman etc...
First we had lunch at a Vietnamese restaurant and the food was great! I had grilled lemongrass NZ beef with noodles (identity crisis again? Kiwi beef!). It tasted really good though and the service was fantastic.
Then we went browsing around a variety of shops and I bought myself two cook books (one was for microwaving food...I figured it'd help while I'm still studying at uni) and the other one was 200 low calorie recipes (I should probably watch my weight after all the weight I've gained!). Then after hours of walking around my feet were killing me (the shoes were a bit tight around my toes) and I could feel them forming blisters. We sat and had a drink then it was off to shop some more again! I managed to buy myself two dresses for Chinese New Year (it's tradition to wear new clothes to start the CNY). I found it miraculous that they fit me (I'm overweight) because although I'm not...I'm grotesquely obese in Malaysia!

Dad and I were worn out by the end of the day. I must say I'm impressed with the shopping environment here but so far with no patch of blue sky in sight all day and congested traffic it was a little worrying with how much of the toxicity of the air has entered into my blood stream from this one day alone. Ah well...worrying about it isn't going to make me any healthier.

I came home ready to sleep, but of course I had to get ready to go have dinner with the family. With only 4 hours of sleep and 8 hours of shopping I'd rather drop dead on the bed there and then.

We went to a local restaurant just around the corner. I tried frog for the first time. Frog as an Asian delicacy in a nutshell: It looks like chicken, and tastes like fish. The taste wasn't bad...but having grown up in Darwin with frogs everywhere you turn, I couldn't cut the image of a cute green tree frog hopping about with the smile-like appearance for the face...I couldn't eat another piece. I probably would've vomited...
The rest of the food was quite nice though, and I drank so much green tea! It is definitely nice to end the day with a good pot of green tea.
There was five of us eating with five dishes which complimentary peanuts and pickles for starters, water melon for dessert and a pot of green tea, it only cost RM77.70 in total! That's like $25 AUD! That would only be enough for one person in Australia dining in a fine cuisine Chinese restaurant with food that doesn't taste anywhere near as good!

I shouldn't be surprised. This is like my 19th time I've visited Malaysia and I'm aware of the high cost of eating out in Australia. Mind you, the average person here only earns like RM700 a MONTH! I earn $700 a week at SUBWAY so I guess it doesn't really matter. The difference is still remarkable though.

Anyway, I'm finally home so I'm ready to go to sleep. Dad wants another shopping marathon tomorrow so I got to rest up and be prepared! My poor feet...


Time finished: 21:38
Mood: Incredibly exhausted...

Heartbroken...

Time started: 22:28
Place: Living room (Darwin)
Listening to: The television
Weather: Okay, I guess...
Mood: You can read the title, right?

My own best friend didn't believe in me. It's all just empty words...the things that people say to be nice to you...

I try so hard and I'm never good enough in anyone's eyes...

Time finished: 22:29

I need to start running...

Time started: 23:29
Place: Living room (Darwin)
Listening to: Advertisements on the television.
Weather: Fine and warm
Mood: Sluggish

I have a horrible track record with health.
I still have chronic fatigue syndrome and I constantly get cluster migraines.
My heart rate is also high which suggests that I am very unfit and my cholesterol has also gone off the roof for the first time. I've also been feeling depressed lately...I'm worried I will be clinically depressed again and anti-depressants never helped me.
I've noticed I've gained a significant amount of weight and I'm a little worried about my health not only for the short term, but for the long term as well.

There are many things I want to see and do and I've got a full life ahead of me so I need to change certain lifestyle habits of mine.

I would like to run again. I don't just mean a kilometre or two...I would like to eventually gradually be able to run a marathon. It's easier said than done and the fact that I've sprained my left ankle 14 times certainly will not help...

I'm tired of never completing my goals so I'm going to write this in my blog and set this to stone. I don't care if it takes me several years to achieve this but I'm determined to be able to reach this goal of mine.

I think I generally eat well so I don't really need to change too much about my eating habits. I certainly need to drink more water though.

I will not use horrible weather as an excuse to stop me anymore. If the weather's bad, I'll do something indoors to keep myself fit.

Anyway, I will start this exercise regime after I return from Malaysia on the 13th of February. That will be the day I will change my life for the better. Hopefully this one little exercise program can change my life in all aspects around.

Time finished: 23:38
Mood: Determined